#GirlTalk: A Q&A About Breasts, From Me “Now” To Very Young Me
(She’s not ready yet.) This will be here when you’re ready, Young Obinna.
Today my 34-year old self hurts. I feel barriers all around me and I don’t want to. It’s like I can’t get close to what this thing is. I try and something pushes me back or keeps me from opening up. Why don’t I feel safe? Why do I feel intimidated? Why did I sink today into the heaviness to let myself respond instinctively to self-protect? Why couldn’t I talk? Why were the images and the reality of things so difficult today?
I wish this weren’t so vague but I don’t know how to articulate my emotions just yet, or would like to wait them out. I just feel an emotional limitation.
In other news today, I submitted images for something else I’m working on, but I am not comfortable sharing, especially given, again, some other limitations. I think that, again, it’s a seed so as it grows — God willing it will — I can start to open up more.
These things have nothing to do with this article, except they do. As an adult — an adult girl, a woman, a girl/woman, even a girl sometimes, which some women I know hate (not me). Anyway, I just never know how to refer to myself and use so many different terms sometimes. Still, I walk around this world carrying my younger self with me.
The girl who was scared shitless as her little niblets morphed into buds into just-the-right-size boobs or breasts, just the right size. Along with the accompanying trauma. And she didn’t know what to do with her period, pubic hair, armpit hair. Or unhealthy ways to cope she’s still working through. She was alone but made it through. This was a tough phase of puberty, just awful really. A.W.F.U.L.
And today I think that going through these things from a book I got about a decade ago, I still have and read because my girl self still needs to be loved and told that The Scariness is real but you will make it through. The book is called GirlStuff: A Survival Guide To Growing Up.
Of course, what does suck is that the black girl is turned profile on the cover while the other girls are front-facing which — whether or not the white authors intended — speaks to my marginalization. But that’s another article for another day. This is actually empowering to take ownership of the body that once took ownership of me.
So I’d like to just ask a few questions that would be helpful to my 10-year old to the 14-year old self. She could have used this then, but in writing this now I still reach back to carry my pre-teen/teen self forward into now, carrying her with me.
And I think my mom could have used this too, for her child and adult self too. And this will give you both the strength to own your bodies and stop lurking (in this instance)men from overstepping their boundaries with our bodies.
Are you ready Young Obinna? (She said no.)
-Okay, it will be here when you’re ready. I know your thoughts so don’t freak out when you DO read.
Q: What is happening to my chest? Why is it growing? They are peeking through my white turtleneck.
A: Yes, good, I know that. No one is there to help you so I will help you. They are breasts which I know you know. Don’t worry, your sister will send you bras even though your mom will accidentally not know what to do. But you’ll come full circle to show her too, the things she may have missed.
What is happening is scary but it’s actually a sign of puberty called breast budding. You are basically like a flower about to bloom. It’s an awful analogy but basically, do you see what I mean? They’re called buds because they’re not done growing — stay tuned for a year or two more. I know, I know.
Q: Oh my God. They’re peeking through! I need a bra — help me. What do I do?
A: Well you know how when you’d visit your grandmother’s house in Columbus, who wasn’t nice to your mom (our mom), but remember when she gave you camisoles, well some girls wear these.
Your mom won’t know I think, but your sister Chika will send you some bras from Victoria’s Secret. I know, NICE ONES. Lucky your big sister saved you.
Q: Oh no, when I was running track some of the white girls were laughing at me and asked me if I was wearing a bra when I got back to the stands. No, I’m not. This is so embarrassing!
A: Go ahead, cry. It hurts, doesn’t it? That’s okay. I’ll give you a moment. Yeah, kids are assholes, don’t worry. Okay, well now start wearing the bras your sister gave you. An oversized t-shirt won’t hide your developing buds, so sorry.
Your breasts don’t disappear no matter how much you try to hide them. You’re 12 now (unfortunately, I know). It’s been two years since his whole THING started — you just need support. A sports bra will be a good bra to wear when running around the track.
Q: And what about the abuse I suffered from my father? I don’t want to go into detail.
A: That’s okay. You say as much as you want. This is a step forward. You have a safe space. Yes, they did involve your breasts so the shame you carry from growing up and showing signs of your body developing, it would make sense why you would wear big t-shirts to hide your breasts or didn’t want to wear a bra.
Luckily you’ll find the support you need later on with a group called ASCA. It’s psychological so it’s okay to still be working through it decades later. It is called trauma and you are in recovery.
Still, you are very strong indeed. This also lets you stand for others you know who experienced the same thing, recreate the right boundaries, and eventually develop empathy for your father’s story.
Q: So what is the purpose of my breasts? My grandmother’s breasts are very BIG. My mom’s are pretty normal. My sister too. I wonder what mine will grow to, like Mario blocks.
A: Yes like Mario blocks. I haven’t heard that analogy but that sounds like something you might say. Well, it is kind of weird but it’s for if you have a baby, you can feed them. The breasts make milk.
The size of your breasts doesn’t matter as far as how much milk you would make. Not all women breastfeed either. But this is what they are for. We’re mammals. Very strange I know. Yet not strange if you think about it.
Q: How do I know what size bra to get?
A: Yeah, you never went through this formally when you were a pre-teen. You will by the time you’re 26 though at a nice bra shop. This is what you can do. I’ll give you the advice from this book, two choices.
First, you can measure at home yourself. You’ll need a tape measurer. Take this and measure around your chest underneath your breasts. Add five inches to the number you get and round up to the next even number (if it’s an odd number).
This will be the first part of your bra size. The range is from 28 to the mid-40s. You will be a cool 34. Then try on bras at the store with different cup sizes to see which ones fit the best. If you need help ask as salesperson, or you can also go to a bra shop.
The second option is to go to a bra shop or the bra/lingerie area of a department store to be fitted. A nice bra shop like Victoria’s Secret should be able to fit you too.
This is a lot, but it’s a lot of what you learn with time. The things you’ll wish you knew when you were a pre-teen/teen but that will be okay to know as a late bloomer too. It’s okay to be a late bloomer. You’re still okay.
I think that this is it for today. We’ll move onto the next section of GirlStuff for next time. When you’re ready this is for you to take with you as you get older and ew, I know, grow up.
I will see you soon Young Obinna.
❤
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