My Difficulties in Starting Over After Toxic History
I found someone who could handle my insecurities about my past.
I believe we have all heard time and time again that trust is one of the more foundational parts of any kind of relationship. Friendships, roommates, romantic partners: these all rely on trust.
I have been in more than one toxic relationships in my 22 year lifetime. With an age where I feel I shouldn’t have had as many experiences, I have dealt with more than I would have liked to in exploring myself in romantic relationships.
My first relationship was in college and was extremely convenient. We saw each other every day and practically lived with each other in the dorms. After 18 months, we broke up. I had lost something that formed a solid part of my identity and was torn. We started fighting nearly every day and our relationship quickly turned toxic. Neither one of us could trust the other with people of the opposite gender.
So, I tried starting over. My standards were low and my trust in all men was virtually shattered. I started paying attention to guys who did the bare minimum. And it still ended up biting me back.
Not only did I survive one toxic relationship from verbal fighting and our mutual refusal to communicate about our feelings and problems revolving around our lack of trust in one another, but I also found that I could lose trust in someone in a physical sense too.
Someone I had considered to be a friend, someone I confided in regarding the problems in my previous relationship (with explicit details) betrayed my trust in an arguably worse way. I had been sexually assaulted by someone I considered a friend.
Once again, I lost all trust in men, and eventually stopped entertaining the idea of dating after a while. I took space and time for myself and learned more when I chose to reflect on my reactions and mistakes that I had made in the past.
I learned that I was letting people walk all over me. I learned that I had to stand up for myself and communicate freely about my thoughts in my relationships. However, getting over that hump was where I struggled the most in the beginning of my current relationship now.
Therapy helped a lot in building these “foundational” skills that I bring forth in my relationships now. Talking and sharing my story has helped me connect with a whole group of people that I would have never predicted encountering in my life.
I also learned that there are important people that I will meet in my lifetime to learn from. The two toxic relationships in my past do not define the rest of my dating experience. However, they do make for significant red flags that I will be able to identify much more easily, but do not define my experience in dating with every man I encounter.
I found myself questioning everything about my current boyfriend’s intentions, especially early on in our relationship. I used the lessons I learned from my past successfully and have developed a solid foundation of trust that makes me feel the most comfortable I have ever felt in a relationship. We communicate freely about our feelings and problems that exist both inside and outside the two of us. We agree with each other on different levels that anyone from my past.
I found someone that feels like home, is safe and secure in his own life and treats me like a queen. I never would have thought this was possible if you found me and told me eighteen months ago that things will get better, and the grass on the other side can be greener.
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