Stop F*cking Inviting Us to Speak on Your Women’s Day Panels
It screams “you’re really good at that — for a woman.”
My favorite scene from the show Fleabag is set in a bar. The protagonist sits alongside the recent winner of the “Women in Business” Award for a massive multinational corporation. When congratulated, the winner states:
“It’s infantilising bollocks. It’s ghettoising. It’s a subsection of success. It’s the fucking children’s table of awards.”
Through the pandemic, women have left the workforce at a rate 4x higher than men. Newspaper headlines sounded the alarm of a ‘generation’ of women’s empowerment lost in months. But did we lose anything — or did we never have it in the first place?
If we built the next tallest tower in the world, only to have it fall a month later due to a predictable earthquake, would we — this enterprising society — really get to claim that achievement?
After all, it was only eight years ago that Sheryl Sandberg controversially published Lean In, urging women to demand their partners truly do their fair share of the domestic labor. And yet, over the past five years, the New York Times has covered article after article detailing the intricate informal and formal systems that gently nudge women out of positions of power.
I still remember my mother forwarding me this article in 2019, which left an impact so powerful it planted the seed of doubt that ended my relationship at the time. “American women of working age are the most educated ever,” it said. And at the same time: “The returns to working long, inflexible hours have greatly increased […] It’s so powerful, researchers say, that it has canceled the effect of women’s educational gains.”
Basically, you have to work 60+ hour work-weeks to get ahead and in couples with equal education, more often than not, the women will take a step back after childbirth. It’s simply not feasible for most families to have two parents working around the clock. That postgrad degree doesn’t matter when it comes down to brass tacks; things have stayed the same for women.
Now let’s get back to the panels — and why they’re offensive when all of this backdrop is hanging over us like a woollen poncho in the rain. Oh, and let’s not forget the stench of yet another political sexual assault fiasco unfolding in New York.
Let me be clear: we still want to be invited to speak on your panels and at your events. Keep doing that — but stop expecting us to solely discuss the subtle swordplay of nonverbal communication and sexual innuendo that drives up our turnover rate.
And while you’re at it, consider putting in the hours to research the topic of gender discrimination in your industry before asking us questions you could have Googled. The least one should be able to expect after putting precious time and effort into preparing for a public-speaking engagement is to be asked questions that genuinely show off the unique knowledge you so graciously invited us to share.
Do not expect women — especially when they are a minority in your industry or workplace — to always put in the emotional labor (and extra time!!) to educate you about these challenges. And do not use us as a way to show your audience you are a feminist. Most of us already have plenty of unpaid labor on our plates as it is (and already spend all day on Zoom). A panel for Women’s Day — or Women’s Month — is not a radical act; it’s a cop-out.
So what can — and should — you do?
1. Pay us for our labor.
Think of it as a way to bridge the gender pay gap. On average, women make 81 cents on the dollar compared to men; for Black and Latinx women, this falls to 75 cents. Over the course of a career, that can be nearly a million dollars lost on average per woman. So when we go out of our way to help, keep in mind that we’re probably already doing it for less. Honorariums can help.
2. Invite us to be your expert — not your woman expert.
There are panels and conferences running every day of every month of every year. Yet I know many women who have to take a machete to their calendars in March because of the sudden onslaught of invitations that arrive throughout February. Don’t make us say no to your event. Just don’t have it be about women AND in March.
3. Have quiet private conversations.
Rather than asking us to publicly pour salt in our wounds, take the time to talk to us about it in private, if there is a relationship of trust. If you want to be really innovative, do it on a day that’s not for commemorating women. Use what you learn to speak with fellow executives, then involve us in an action plan. If this work falls outside of our job descriptions: pay.us.for.it.
4. Work toward a world where Women’s Day sounds as ridiculous as Men’s Day.
Yes, there is an International Men’s Day on November 19th, but it doesn’t get the same fanfare. If you want to see men speaking on men-only panels about issues that only affect men, you can probably find at least one example at almost every conference; no need for a special day. I am a huge believer that men are hurt by the heteronormative patriarchy and that all genders and sexes can benefit from dismantling it. But there’s no panel on ‘Challenges for Men in Tech’ because men still make up 76% of the labor force there. Let’s work toward a world so equal that these days are equally a ‘nice to have’ rather than an ‘uplifting’ moment. This means uplifting women at all levels, at all times, not just on special days. After all, if you only show affection to your partner on Valentine’s Day — a day when you have to be loving — do you really care about them? These panels feel the same.
I write this as someone who is early in her career to be speaking on panels for Women’s Day, but who has watched numerous friends and mentors get called on March after March, only to be passed over for real opportunities through the year. And as a white woman, I also recognize my own experience is certainly exacerbated in the case of women of color who have to battle joint biases to enter traditionally white male fields.
So what if this year you innovate? Invite women to speak on panels about complex subjects, and bring us into the conversation throughout the year, whether we are discussing gender or not. Popping conversations about gender into a convenient, March 8th-shaped box, is not going to solve inequality, or even give women a leg up. It might even put us at a disadvantage, taking time away from other, more pressing projects (and in many cases from children sitting on Zoom at home).
So please oh please — stop f*cking inviting us to speak on your Women’s Day panels.
P.S. If you haven’t watched Fleabag, do yourself a favor. It’s a beautifully dark and hilarious ode to modern feminism. Amazon Prime, two seasons, 20-minute episodes — go.
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