5 keys: which one will open the door of the prison perfectionism and imposter syndrome created?
It took me over a decade to notice it. The painful realisation that I lived in a prison, without me noticing it. A prison where the walls were colourful, the air was filled with hope and opportunity, but nevertheless, the doors were locked, the keys thrown away.
I needed the prison as much the prison needed me.
It was comforting, familiar. It did get me to places. But it cost me a lot more than what I gained from it. I lost the opportunity to :
- embrace the moment
- finding joy
- enjoying a carefree youth
- taking risks
- experimenting, exploring, understanding who I am
because I stayed in those walls.
My prison walls were made of strong, heavy bricks of fear, anxiety, shame, unresolved trauma and doubt. They grew into behaviours which fed perfectionism, people pleasing, disconnect and strictness.
Disconnect especially from emotions, my body and others. It was also misleading, as it appeared that I had everything under control.
Once I noticed and identified what my prison was, what it was for, I started working on how to get out. The thing is, as soon as you see it for what it is, you cannot un-see it. I also didn’t realise that it’s not as simple as you just find a key, get out, job done.
It’s going to be a life long quest.
I’m a little bit further ahead now thanks to some great therapists and methods I tried. All throughout this journey, I worked as a therapist and my practice changed immensely. As I grow as a person, I am becoming a better professional — more on this in another piece.
So how do you know what key to try when you realise you live in a prison like this? Where do you even start?
You might want to ask yourself some big, open questions. If you peel back the layers of perfectionism or feeling like an imposter, what do you find underneath? What do you believe in/value? What’s close to your heart?
But you can also start small. I found that once you start to challenge all these behaviours that keep you in the prison, the walls will start to fight back. Constrict you further and cause much more havoc.
I want to offer you a selection of potential keys to experiment with. It’s by no means a “solution”, but it’s a start.
- [Re]connect
Probably the most important key to experiment with. It might open more than one doors. Both perfectionism and imposter syndrome confines you in your head. And this might leave one of your greatest companion out of the equation: the body.
We only talk about the body when it’s in trouble — health issues or weight issues. We don’t see real bodies anymore, and if we do live in a real one, we are generally unhappy with how it looks or functions.
Making friends with your body, reconnecting with sensations will certainly open up new avenues.
Experiment with practices such as yoga, qui gong.
2. Be with experiences as they are (accept)
It’s easy to judge our experiences. The rules and filters will affect what you take away from each moment. You might even lie to yourself, we all do at some point.
So what if you open a clean slate, and endeavour to see things as they are? No filter.
3. Pay attention (mindfulness)
This next step come in tandem with the above two. Mindfulness is a buzzword, but I promise you it can be simple.
You don’t have to force yourself to sit down and meditate if that’s not your path. Go outside, and start to look around you. Sit close to the grass and observe the blades. Watch how the bees fly around.
Listen to the birds. Walk. Breathe.
There, you are practicing mindfulness.
4. Take risks, open up, own up to vulnerabilities
What would happen if you started to challenge and change some of your small behaviours. With regards to how you present yourself personally or professionally. What are the rules in your prison and what rules do you want to have instead?
Embracing spontaneity, planning less, going to places (mentally or physically) where you haven’t been before. Working less, perfecting work less.
Delegating control, trying something new, admit if you don’t know something. Ask (potentially stupid) questions. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. The general rule of thumb at the start — if something feels too comfortable, you’re likely in your prison again.
5. Play, find joy
Underrated area. Wanting to be perfect can kill the capacity for joy. But it’s not too late to re-connect with your inner child.
What brings you joy? Is it possible to get back to basics, and learn from a child? How do they find joy? What is it that you can implement from what you’ve seen?
I hope you can open the door of your prison, and find out what lies past those familiar walls.
Don’t forget, you’re not alone. All of this is doable, one step at a time. You just need to start.
Before you go, I would like to offer you this poem below.
Keys to the Doors
by Robin Robertson
for Eilidh
I loved your age of wonder: your third and fourth
and fifth years spent astonished, widening your eyes
at each new trick of the world — and me standing there,
solemnly explaining how it was done. The moon and stars,
rainbows, photographs, gravity, the birds in the air,
the difference between blood and water.
In true life? you would say, looking up
and I would nod, like some broken-hearted sage,
knowing there would be no answers soon
to all the big questions that were left, to cruelty and fear,
to age and grief and death, and no words either.
And you, like me, will sit and shake your head.
In true life? Yes, my sweet, strong daughter, I’m afraid
there is all this as well, and this is it: true life.”
