You’ve Never Experienced Joe Rogan Like This Before
The year is 2063. The last weekday of November. Payday. Dave waited nervously for Amazon to deposit his meager wages into his bank account. His last pay cut was substantial. As the robots in the warehouse had improved, the less essential the meat workers like him had become. He also got his universal basic income, but it’s late again this week. The last time the government was late paying it, they rioted on Trafalgar Square.
Dave hated the wait for his wages to hit his bank account, as it made him so anxious. This was because fiat currency devalued so quickly that the time it took him to exchange the British pounds he was paid with into cryptocurrency literally cost him money. It was a constant source of frustration for him that Amazon insisted on paying him in his country’s failing currency. With the value of the Satoshi through the roof now, Dave had to be tactical with his choice of crypto. Obviously, most of his wages he converted straight into Dogecoin. As the most stable coin, it’s what most people in the world used for their everyday purchases. But for his rainy day savings, Dave liked something a little riskier, and for that, he always went for his favourite coin — Joe Rogan BitClout. The reason it was so volatile was that no one was really sure how much longer he’d live, although he was the world authority on cryotherapy and synthetic hormone replacement, he couldn’t last forever. Dave didn’t care though, he was Joe Rogan’s number one fan, and if you held enough of his BitClout like Dave did, you went into a lottery to win exclusive merchandise. His new live standup show was airing soon, and Dave couldn’t wait.
One Saturday a few weeks later, Dave was in a taxipod on his way to his friend Arnold’s house. His mind was wandering to a documentary he saw on TikTok about when cars actually had to be piloted by people, and how weird that seemed to him.
He arrived at the house, and Arnold let him in. He’d invited Dave over to watch Joe Rogan’s live standup show. It was airing exclusively tonight on Twitter Virtual Spaces. This wasn’t too surprising since Twitter had cornered the VR market and integrated it into Spaces. They’d had the monopoly on it since they won the format battle with Clubhouse back when Dave was a kid. President Dorsey had seen to that when he was elected in 2040. They always watched the big events at Arnold’s house because he had a top-of-the-line VR setup. Arnold had been left a decent inheritance by his father, who had made a lot of money on one of those old platforms from the early days of the internet. YouTube. He filmed himself opening boxes or something. It was enough for Arnold to buy a nice house and kit it out, but he still had to work with Dave at Amazon to pay his bills.
With the show about to start, they connected to the VR through their Neuralinks. It always felt strange just how real it seemed in VR, even to those who’d grown up with it.
“THANK YOU, GOOD NIGHT!” roared Joe Rogan two hours later, as Dave and Arnold continued to laugh hysterically and sections of the crowd chanted for an encore. As he walked off stage, they continued to beg for more. As he was about to exit stage left, he paused, turned around, and walked back to the center of the stage.
“NO ENCORE TONIGHT FOLKS, SORRY! BUT TONIGHT, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I’M GOING TO INVITE ONE OF YOU BACKSTAGE TO THE GREEN ROOM TO PARTY, AND AS A SHOW OF APPRECIATION TO MY MOST LOYAL FANS, I’M GOING TO CHOOSE ONLY FROM THOSE OF YOU THAT HOLD MY BITCLOUT COIN!” Arnold nudged Dave and laughed, he was always making fun of him for buying Joe Rogan’s coin. Just as Dave was about to face Arnold and roll his eyes, he heard his name boom out from the stage, and his jaw dropped.
“COME ON DOWN DAVE! ARE YOU THERE?! I KNOW YOU’RE IN HERE SOMEWHERE!” With the crowd cheering Dave stood up and drifted down the stairs toward the stage, awestruck. When he got there, Joe Rogan, awaiting with a smile, shook his hand and gestured him backstage.
As he entered the green room, Dave was confused to see that it was empty, there was no party, no guests. Just then, Joe Rogan spoke up from behind him.
“Dave, if you’re looking for the party there isn’t one. I’ve brought you back here because you’ve been chosen.” Dave was confused. He knew he’d been chosen, that’s why he was here.
“You see, I’m not Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan’s dead, Dave. And now it’s your turn.”
