A Non-Comprehensive List of Things My 30s Gave Me Without My Permission

(Some of them are okay)

1. Complete intolerance for ill-fitting bed sheets
2. A weird, sharp pain in the knee of the leg I use to shift gears while driving, at precisely the angle needed to shift gears
3. The constant, nagging thought, “This is such a waste,” while wrapping Christmas presents, countered by Oh MY GOD I can’t wait to see their faces
4. Wicked fucking heartburn
5. Goddamn dandruff
6. A begrudging but fiercely loyal addiction to coffee and an intolerance for those who cannot abide by this necessity in my mornings
7. A third as many fucks as my 20s (both kinds, le sigh)
8. Two pant sizes
9. A deeper love for my own body and the diverse bodies of others than I ever could have imagined feeling
10. Give me some fucking cake
11. The need for 9 hours of sleep every night or I regress into an angry toddler (literally all activities must be scheduled around this need)
12. The understanding that guilt is the primary currency in the economy of my family, and I can opt out anytime
13. More alone time than I want
14. Less alone time than I want
15. The submission to preferring comfort over coolness
16. People who know what ADHD looks like and who told me at 32 that I had it real bad
17. The quiet relief of knowing Ihave ADHD and that there’s an external reason for why I’m like this
18. A metabolism that clutches tight to every cookie but acts like it didn’t even see those fucking carrots
19. Even less tolerance for patriarchy, non-living wages, and bad TV movies
20. WANTING ALL THE DRESSES
21. No desire to wear all the dresses
22. The creeping suspicion — and sad resignation to the fact — that I really won’t figure out money without learning how to budget
23. A desire to nest so hard that I have to actively avoid Target and IKEA
24. That thing where every time I see a kid or a baby I fall in love and everything feels okay again, especially if they’re wearing a funny hat or singing

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