Things We Shouldn’t Use To Pleasure Ourselves.
Toasters, definitely.
“If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.” George Carlin
Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I wouldn’t call myself an expert or even a passing enthusiast. I mean, I get why people want to “up their game,” but you won’t find me standing on my bed at midnight, hands clasped over my head, thinking I’ve accomplished something extraordinary. I’ve never been extraordinary at anything, let alone pleasuring myself — or anyone else.
I’m what you’d call “adequately ordinary.”
My reason for writing this is to point out the rather outlandish masturbatory techniques going on out there. I say “outlandish” because some people have found pleasure in strange, possibly destructive, ways. More importantly, they don’t seem to have a problem admitting them in online forums, starting with “I shouldn’t be admitting this, but…”
It’s going to be an eye-opener — maybe too much of an eye-opener — but that’s the internet and, as Patrick Murray said, “The trouble with the internet is it’s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.”
It’s the ‘but” that worries me the most. I know what’s coming next. It’s going to be an eye-opener — maybe too much of an eye-opener — but that’s the internet and, as Patrick Murray said, “The trouble with the internet is it’s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.”
Obviously, that’s not the case, since the bulk of mankind — and womankind — have no trouble doing both. In fact, eight percent of the population admit they’d stop having sex to answer a text. If that sex is with yourself, I’d say stopping to answer a text is likely — if not inevitable ( it could be someone wanted to go out on a date, or hoping you’ll at least turn your lights off or get some blinds. Nobody wants to see you shag yourself).
But let’s get back to outlandish masturbatory techniques. During my research, I came across numerous admissions, some no-brainers like using a Squiggly Wiggly Pen, or common vegetables. One woman’s mother admitted to masturbating with a carrot. “I’ve had therapy,” the daughter said.
She’s off carrots entirely, but these examples will hardly raise eyebrows, since we’ve all probably taken a stab at shagging produce.
“It called to me,” he said. “It was so robust and meaty.”
No, where it gets weird is in the processed foods. Like the guy who found a full salami in his parents’ fridge. “It called to me,” he said. “It was so robust and meaty.” He figured he could do something totally unholy with the salami (which he did), then thought seriously about putting it back afterwards. Christmas was just around the corner after all, and the relatives like salami.
In the end, (sorry, I didn’t mean to do that), he tossed it out the window, where it lay undisturbed, confusing domestic and wild animals alike. It takes a lot to confuse animals, especially hungry ones, but something about that salami disturbed them greatly.
The following spring, the parents found the salami, and castigated the dog for robbing the fridge. What was the dog going to say? “It wasn’t me, for chrissakes! Talk to your son. And throw out the pepperoni!”
“She burned herself,” the guy wrote, “and asked me (a guy with no medical training) what she should do. I told her to take her horny ass to the hospital.”
Okay, maybe that’s too graphic. Let’s look instead at curling irons, which some women use in a pinch. One woman called her boyfriend in a panic. She’d tried shagging her curling wand while it was still plugged in. “She burned herself,” the guy wrote, “and asked me (a guy with no medical training) what she should do. I told her to take her horny ass to the hospital.”
Emergency rooms are full of people sustaining injuries from hot curling wands and, believe it or not, vacuum cleaners. Some electric brooms are fine, but pleasuring yourself with a shop vac, as one intern pointed out, “is like trying to give yourself a hysterectomy.” Not cool, in other words. Not cool.
Same goes for toasters. Do I really have to explain the problem?
Then there’s the case of the guy who visited his girlfriend at a bar where she served shots in test tubes while wearing a g-string (not a strip club, but not MacDonald’s, either). Later in the evening, they snuck behind a staircase, where they used one of the test tubes as a dildo.
“That was the best action of anything I’ve ever played with,” the girlfriend confessed, and the guy went online later saying, “10/10. Would roger her with science equipment again!”
By “most,” I mean the ones interns call frequent ER utilizers, a nice way of saying their vaginas sustain more injuries than UFC fighters.
Just to clarify, test tubes are made of borosilicate glass (fused quartz) which can withstand several hundred degree temperatures (Celsius). That doesn’t mean the glass isn’t fragile. If you’re going to use it like a salami log, it’s going to break, and you’re going to end up in hospital, with some intern wondering why you couldn’t use a curling wand like most women.
By “most,” I mean the ones interns call frequent ER utilizers, a nice way of saying their vaginas sustain more injuries than UFC fighters. This is all in the pursuit or an orgasm these women call “bonkers good.”
It seems we can’t get “bonkers good” doing Tickle Me Elmo, or holding the Super Mario console between our legs when Mario hits a wall.
“Do you also make the Mario noises?” someone asked.
The old standards just ain’t doing it anymore. Why use the bedpost or the mini M&Ms container, when you can upgrade to a Wii remote? “I have a game named Avatar Earth,” one person wrote, “and found a spot where it would endlessly vibrate. Lubed Condom + Wii + Remote + Avatar, the last airbender game = the strangest sex toy I’ver ever used.”
“As a father of an 8-year-old girl,” he said, “I find this thread terrifying.”
This received numerous responses, including one man who shouldn’t be reading online sex forums in the first place. “As a father of an 8-year-old girl,” he said, “I find this thread terrifying.”
And so he should. It’s one thing to be creative, another to realize you’ve spent more time with your Ps3 controller than an actual woman. Before you get a real woman, your thumbs are going to look like lobster claws.
We’re dealing with a problem here, and it’s clear technology is turning us into, I don’t know, sexual cyborgs? One click of the mouse, and we’ve got porn, one click of our Gameboy console and we can vibrate ourselves silly. At the rate we’re going, it’s possible younger generations won’t even bother with human sex until they’re well into their early forties.
As the father above said, masturbation in today’s world is a terrifying thought, and it’s only going to get worse. Who knows what’s going on in homes across America? There might be full Orgasmatrons dotting the suburban landscape, turning a whole generation into “machine heads.”
If a salami log can do it, what’s the point in banning porn or cheerleading — or sex education? It’s going to happen whether we like it or not.
Even if we could restrict the technology, we can’t restrict imagination. Something’s going to turn someone on, and obviously it doesn’t take much. If a salami log can do it, what’s the point in banning porn or cheerleading — or sex education? It’s going to happen whether we like it or not.
As porn star, Ron Jeremy once said, “You cannot blame porn. When I was young, I used to masturbate to Gilligan’s Island.”
Ginger was pretty hot. I always thought it was a shame nobody was doing her on the island. Same with Mary Ann. Not that I did anything weird about it. I just wished I was on that island. Okay, maybe I did a bit more than that…
But I sure as hell didn’t go grabbing a salami out of the fridge.
Ginger deserved better. So did Mary Ann.
I think I’ve said too much…yeah, I definitely have.
Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.
