Commitment-phobic or not?

Alt tab
Alt tab
Nov 7 · 2 min read

“..And suddenly out of nowhere I feel like a rock came crashing right into my face…the words still resounding in my head “will you be mine forever?”

This blog was long overdue because it is a chat that I have constantly been having with myself. It needed to find a blank space to spill out. This is it.

Have I labelled myself as ‘commitment-phobic’ merely for want of a better terminology or is it really true?

I met someone. I connected. Our thoughts and idiosyncrasies align. Our madness blends. Words seem to flow seamlessly. The comfort eases me. I have a great time. I speak. I listen (not hear). I feel the dopamine rise and create havoc. The restlessness and urges seem to rush like a volcano.

“And suddenly out of nowhere I feel like a rock came crashing right into my face. The words still resounding in my head “will you be mine forever?” In a moment of truth everything comes crashing to hit ground zero.

This always happens to me.

How can I? I choose to be mine and am perfecting the art of loving myself first. It’s not easy to do that especially with all my darkness and seemingly unforgivable faults. How then can I belong to someone else? I have nurtured myself to be a superstar in my own eyes, seeking hard to have clarity on who I really am and what I want to be. How then can I entrap myself in a relationship that may dull my sparkle or may send me off track on my quest of knowing ME and who I am meant to be?

Self-identity is the core of my existence. Anyone who compliments it in any way and blends right in must stay. Anyone who wants to draw from my radiance and brighten their own auras, are welcome. But most want to own, possess or even dim my shine. That cannot happen.

I am a creature of love, care and deep emotion for MY people. I have scanned and identified those that deserve my time and emotion and I am fiercely loyal to my tribe. I have committed in my head but the words never seem to find a way out of my mouth. I cannot belong to some ‘ONE’.

Isn’t commitment about being there when needed. So am I then commitment-phobic?

Do you perceive you have similar phobias? Tell me.

The Playce

stories from a buzzing co-working space in the mad city of Mumbai

Alt tab

Written by

Alt tab

My mind flirts with me everyday disallowing me to be loyal to a single thought, interest or conversation. Come sway with me. — @themalailama

The Playce

stories from a buzzing co-working space in the mad city of Mumbai

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade