Dear Today, just no.
[on depression]
I want to climb back in the bed. To crawl deep underneath my covers and never come out. When I speak, it hurts. When I think it, hurts. Breathing..hurts.
I have little energy. What I do have, I spend on apathy and anger. Not caring & caring too much — what a dangerous combination. I am angry at myself. For not being stronger than this. I want my mind to be able to think different thoughts, I want my body to be energized, I want to make a different choice. But today, just no.
I can’t stop crying. I’ve cried so much I’ve exhausted my tear duct’s ability to create. A feeling of severe hopelessness has overtaken me and I see no way out of this. I want to take a jog, meditate, write in my gratitude journal (because clearly I am ungrateful), find the rose colored glasses. But today, just no.
My past has found it’s way inside my covers now. Talk about sleeping with the enemy. Laying next to me — repeating only the parts of it I want to forget. Reminding me of every failure, mistake, and thing I could’ve done differently. I want to be stronger than it, to shut its mouth with the reminder that “today is a gift that’s why it’s called the present” or any of the other inspirational Pinterest quotes in my phone. But today, just no.
The happy chemical isn’t working today.
I am considering leaving here…permanently. Escaping this pain with a bottle of pills or jumping off a building. Even the thought of that makes me cry. How could I be so selfish? What about my kid? My husband? My family? All the people who would miss me? All the goals I didn’t achieve? The hole I would leave? I actually want to live…..just not today. Today, just no.
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Disclaimer: I write about things I have gone through and/or know deeply about to bring awareness and start dialogue. I am not feeling this today, but some days I do …some days, we all do. Talking about it is the only way to true healing — shaming is deadly. Dedicating this (;) to everyone who understands.
