An Incomplete List Of Broken Lenten Promises
A List, Unranked, One Week In
Wednesday, March 1 to Tuesday, March 7
Barry Sapienza, 45, of Rochester, NY gave up cheese. Last Saturday, he waited until his wife went to meet friends for Zumba and ordered loaded nachos and potato skins from Applebee’s takeout for the college basketball game he watched by himself in the living room. He ate the potato skins on the drive home. After finishing the nachos, he buried the takeout containers at the bottom of the trash bag.
Savannah Richards, 56, of Charleston, SC gave up her affair with the lawyer across the street. They planned to wait until Sunday, as Sunday is a feast day and thus there is a reprieve from the fasting. However, Mr. Richards was out of town on business on Friday and due back Saturday evening. Friday night, after breaking her Lenten promise, Savannah and the lawyer watched Amazon Prime and drank whiskey sours. She felt sick from eating the entire jar of maraschino cherries.
Ted Pierce, 11, of Spokane, WA gave up hitting Steve, his nine-year-old brother. Wednesday morning, Steve finished the Froot Loops and that was the end of Ted’s promise to God.
Missy Perez, 29, of Humble, TX gave up swearing. On Friday morning, she saw that her tires had been slashed. She suspected the culprit was either some neighborhood kids or her ex, whom she lately suspected of driving past her mother’s house, where Missy had been staying since leaving him back down the highway in Houston. Either way, she noted, aloud, that they could all go fuck themselves.
Diane Devereaux, 78, of Atlanta, GA gave up evening television. Wednesday night, she missed seeing Vanna White’s reassuring smile. She didn’t miss it on Thursday.
Frank Nguyen, 31, of Columbia, MO gave up giving things up for Lent. Ten months ago, he admitted to himself that he was agnostic and thus no longer Catholic. He felt free, even if he never told his parents. His mother surely would have cried and lamented in Vietnamese while his father would have shaken his head, as if to say, “You had to tell her?” Instead, Thursday, on the spot during a family dinner, he said he’d given up hot sauces of all kinds. This seemed to satisfy everyone, as his love of brutal craft pepper sauces were the stuff of legend and bewilderment in the extended family. He decided to give up hot sauces for Lent after all, as self-denial, even without a god to care, is a healthy instinct.
Susan Smith, 43, of Fort Lauderdale, FL didn’t give anything up, instead deciding to do something. A week before Lent, she promised to visit her mother’s grave regularly and start praying again and even plant some new flora around the tombstone. She and her siblings had more or less stopped going, as life has a way of shaking off the things that are not most immediate. The day after making her Lenten resolution, her daughter got a bad flu and her bonus at work, after it finally came through, was much lower than expected. She subsequently has forgotten that it’s Lent.
Shane Burke, 34, of Long Branch, NJ has given up his dreams of comedy. On Ash Wednesday, he burned the pilot he wrote about bouncers on the Jersey Shore. This was a symbolic act, as the Final Draft file is still on his MacBook. From the ashes, he blessed himself, which doesn’t really count, but he also didn’t really go to Mass, so it didn’t matter all that much to him. He went to work at the real estate office where he’s an accountant. He worked through the day and, before going home, Googled open mics in Red Bank, NJ.
Fletcher Clevinger, 52, of Colorado Springs, CO has given up road rage. This actually lasted until Tuesday, when he flipped off a student driver who nearly sideswiped him on his way home from the office.
Elodie Madison, 23, of Columbus, OH has simply promised never again when she woke up on Ash Wednesday in New Orleans. But there was a cool DJ thing back in Columbus that Saturday.
Dane A. Wisher is based in Brooklyn.
