The Moron Matrix
The greatest trick Trump ever pulled was making a whole crew of malevolent halfwits seem desirable by comparison
Back in the naïve, practically halcyon days of July, I had the truly mind-bending experience of feeling respect for Ted Cruz. Watching him tell the attendees of the Republican National Convention to vote their conscience seemed like watching an act of heroism after days of seeing white men chant “Lock her up” while holding up mistranslated signs of support for Donald Trump in Spanish.
I had even begrudgingly acknowledged before that speech that Ted Cruz, despite evidence to the contrary, was not a total moron, even if I found him to be a repugnant human being. Luckily, he rectified my temporary admiration by phone-banking for Trump like a craven little pageboy — and pretty much like the rest of his party and its purportedly principled electorate.
Still, during these first absurd months of the Trump presidency, I find myself longing for the relative normality of a W. or even a dick like Cheney. This topsy-turvy feeling has left me a bit disoriented, so I realized I needed some sort of metric to sort the truly terrible from the maybe okay of the Republican Party. And so, inspired by New York Magazine’s Approval Matrix, I have created my own citizen’s Moron Matrix that includes the current crop of Republican men dominating the political landscape and the news cycle.
(Note: I have not included women on this matrix because after the campaign, I’m a bit tired of watching women being measured and torn down, even though there is certainly a place in hell for Kellyanne Conway and Betsy DeVos, for starters. I also realize I have excluded many who should be on the Moron Matrix.)
Take whatever quibbles you may have with my matrix and create your own for when you find yourself confused by your longing for the comparatively benevolent orange tint of a John Boehner. At any rate, it could become adapted into a really depressing drinking game.
Amy Boyle is based in Brooklyn.
