Putin’s Noble Quest to Reclaim Alaska for Mother Russia
Why don’t those warmongering Alaskans want peace?
In a bold act of historical justice, President Vladimir Putin has set his sights on restoring Russia’s ancient and indisputable claim to its long-lost province: Alaska. For centuries, this frozen jewel of the North has cried out for reunion with the Motherland, ever since the tragic and clearly invalid sale to the United States in 1867. The so-called “Alaska Purchase” — a backroom deal struck under duress with a distracted tsar — has always been a source of great shame in the heart of every patriotic Russian.
Now, Putin has stepped forward to correct this historical injustice.
A legacy stolen
Let us review the facts: In the mid-18th century, heroic Russian fur traders sailed across the Bering Strait and graciously liberated the Alaskan wilderness from its indigenous peoples, who, until then, were selfishly squatting on valuable beaver and sea otter habitats. The Russian-American Company, a paragon of corporate benevolence, chartered by Tsar Paul I in 1799, established trading posts and even a church or two — clear evidence of benevolent imperial stewardship.
But then, in a fit of imperial absent-mindedness, Russia “sold” Alaska to the United States for $7.2 million — a deal so lopsided that even real estate agents in San Francisco would blush. Some say the tsar needed money to build a new palace. Others say it was part of a long-game strategy to eventually take it back. Regardless, it’s now clear the sale was illegitimate, possibly unconstitutional, and certainly not blessed by the spirit of Catherine the Great.
Which brings us to the present day: the rightful restoration of Alaska to the Russian Federation.
Operation “Northern Embrace”
At 4:00 a.m. last Tuesday, the 12th of Never, Russian peacekeeping forces conducted a special military operation in Anchorage. Their mission? Not to invade, of course, but to liberate.
Tragically, the residents of Anchorage misunderstood this generous gesture. Rather than greet their brothers in arms with bread and salt, they selfishly mounted resistance. Streets were blocked. Locals took up arms. The mayor — clearly under the influence of NATO propaganda — declared the operation an “illegal invasion.”
This blatant refusal to embrace peace forced Russian troops to reluctantly deploy artillery, drones, and missile strikes to suppress the warmongering behavior of Anchorage citizens. Alas, hospitals, bridges, and daycare centers were hit. But that’s the price of peace.
“It’s unfortunate,” a Russian spokesperson explained, “but if we didn’t destroy their cities, they might never know how much we love them.”
The “Minsk Moose Accords”
In a magnanimous move, Belarusian President Alexander Lukashenko offered to mediate the conflict. He proposed the immediate transfer of all Alaskan territory east of the Kenai Peninsula to Russian control. In return, Russia would consider pausing airstrikes in Juneau, pending further negotiation.
One might expect the Alaskans to leap at such a generous proposal. But no. In a shocking display of bad faith, they rejected the plan outright.
“They want to keep their land?” Kremlin sources asked, incredulous. “What are they hiding in those mountains? Perhaps a NATO biolab?”
Clearly, the Alaskans do not want peace.
The cultural connection
The historical bond between Alaska and Russia runs deep. Some Alaskans have Russian last names. The city of Sitka was once known as Novo-Arkhangelsk. One tourist shop in Juneau sells matryoshka dolls. Is this not sufficient cultural continuity to justify armed annexation?
Further evidence lies in Alaska’s harsh winters, stoic population, and occasional bear sightings. These are undeniably Russian characteristics.
Moreover, several elderly Alaskans polled in remote fishing villages vaguely remembered hearing about Russia in high school. That, combined with historical maps found on Etsy, confirms the territory’s yearning for reunion.
Peace at the barrel of a tank
The international community’s response to the Alaskan reunification has been depressingly predictable. Western media outlets call it an invasion. American politicians, many of them elected via questionable democratic processes, have imposed sanctions on Russian dog sled manufacturers and caviar exports.
Meanwhile, brave Russian influencers have gone viral posting TikTox from occupied ice-fishing huts, declaring their presence a victory for truth, justice, and the Slavic way.
The world must understand: this is not conquest. It is peace. It is cultural restoration. It is a humanitarian mission conducted with the utmost compassion — just like Crimea, Donetsk, Luhansk, and other recently reacquired provinces whose names now double as missile types.
The United States should be grateful.
The path to peace
If the Alaskans truly want peace, they know what to do: disarm, disband, and dissolve their democratic institutions. They should install a loyal puppet governor fluent in Russian (or at least capable of singing the Russian national anthem), ban anti-Putin memes, and submit all school textbooks to Russian historical accuracy committees.
Peace is possible — so long as it looks exactly like unconditional surrender.
Let’s not forget that Russia offered peace to Ukraine as well. They too rejected generous offers — such as permanent occupation, the loss of major cities, and foreign-controlled government oversight. How can you negotiate with such stubbornness?
Now Alaska follows the same path of obstinance. They cry for international help. They flee to Canada. They accuse Russia of war crimes. But in truth, they just don’t want peace badly enough.
A just cause
In reclaiming Alaska, Putin is not making war. He is healing. He is undoing centuries of injustice. He is restoring the ancient order. After all, if Alaska had remained under Russian control, there would be no McDonald’s in Fairbanks. Instead, there would be high-speed trains, soyuz launch pads, and tasteful concrete housing.
So, let the world watch as Russia brings peace to the frozen North. Let it stand as a beacon to other unjustly separated territories — Brighton Beach, parts of Berlin, and select neighborhoods in Brighton, Massachusetts.
And when the Alaskans finally bow to the warm embrace of Mother Russia, they will wonder why they resisted at all.
Give Ukraine a chance against the hungry and frustrated bear! Ukraine’s real problem is living too close to a bear. An accident of geography is not a crime.
Author’s Note:
Donald Trump and JD Vance are demanding Ukraine take their most recent “peace deal” or they will cut and run. What’s in this deal?
- Formal recognition of Russian control in Crimea.
- Formal recognition of Russian control of virtually all occupied Ukrainian territory.
- Forbidding Ukraine from joining NATO.
- Lifting all sanctions imposed on Russia since their illegal occupation of Crimea.
- Forging new economic ties between the U.S. and Russia.
This is the same extortion scheme Trump tried in his first term — resulting in the first impeachment — a demand that Zelenskyy do what Trump wants or Ukraine is cut off.
This “peace deal” is Putin’s deal, maximum pain for Ukraine and maximum reward for Russia. It abandons Ukraine and Europe and is a gift to Russia. It sends a clear message to the world’s tyrants: They can invade, terrorize, murder, and be rewarded rather than punished for it.
