5 Lessons My Boyfriend Gave Me to Face the Post-Grad Life
A single line kept going through my head: “What’s the point?”
Graduation day is one of the most rewarding days of our life. We celebrate the end of our academic path, we are officially “on the market,” with a newly- handed diplomas and a bunch of lines filled in our resumes.
And yet, the day after the celebrations, we suddenly realize we didn’t have the chance to learn the most important thing: how to manage real life. This was the worst truth that hit me so hard when I started looking for a job, and that’s why one day, I began to sense a constant, strange feeling crawling through my body.
Have you ever happened to wake up in the morning and realize that you’ve lost your enthusiasm for everything?
I’m quite sure that this hasn’t happened to me only. Lack of motivation was like a strange feeling for me: it was like a virus, hiding inside my body until it manifested all at once.
My “virus” manifested right after my graduation — the period before it was like a hurricane of deadlines and tasks to complete at the same time. Besides, my tutor wasn’t very supportive, and she barely corrected some of my drafts. I thought I wouldn’t make it at least once a week. I submitted my thesis the last day of the deadline, I made it in the nick of time, and my confidence was so high that moment.
I felt invincible.
I thought that this confidence boost would be useful to bring out the best in me even after the post-grad period. I hoped it would help me cope with all the challenges that come with adult life: job hunting, interviews, recruiters, and learning more, improving myself, and acquiring more skills.
I had plenty of time available after graduation, but I didn’t feel like picking up any of my hobbies I’ve put aside when writing my master’s thesis; things like baking, drawing, reading, and writing lay in a corner, waiting for better times.
A single line kept going through my head, like a neon sign of an old motel at the end of the street: What’s the point?
What’s the point of struggling in doing something when it’ s clear that I’m not good at it? What sense does it make when millions of people perform better than me? What’s the point of diving into something new when I know little or nothing about it?
These were the thoughts that troubled me every day. The more I tried to pick up one of my hobbies or begin a new training session (always finding negativity in every little task I was able to complete), the more the fear of facing that neon sign in my head was hard to ignore. I left everything for a while, not feeling able to carry out anything: I was in the middle of a negative spiral from which I was incapable of getting out.
I know that it’s fine to get stuck once in a while, especially if your self-confidence has never been the highest. What I learned from this experience is that if you want to get through this, what you have to do is look around and find just one friend, acquaintance, or human being who is the exact opposite of you. You know, those people who are always excited to try and learn new things, inspired and unstoppable, with a contagious desire to live life to the fullest. I have this guy next to me 24/7, and I’ve never thought for a moment of having a chat with him to crack my situation.
I’ve known Ludo for six years now, and he has been my partner for five. Since I know him, I’ve always seen him grappling with a lot of different activities and hobbies: he lives by the sea; therefore, he sometimes goes fishing with his friends or father. He loves music; he mixed house-techno samples and songs before we met. He’s a nerd, a gamer, he studied to assemble his computer by himself and knows every single part of it, he never stops trying new platforms and new games online.
And I’m not done.
A couple of years ago he took his father’s old camera, and from there he discovered that he was very good at taking photos. He started to do portrait and fashion photography in Milan, he opened his Ig account (curious? Take a look here) and met a lot of guys with the same interest in photography. Ludo is a dynamo, and he never gives up and never wastes time. Why haven’t I talked to him about my issue before?
So, I decided to ask him to give me 5 tips to overcome a period of poor motivation, to regain self-confidence and why not, to switch off the “What’s the point” neon sign stuck in my head.
Don’t be afraid to imitate at the beginning of your path. At first, it can be quite tough starting something new. With a new project on our hands, being confused is more frequent than having a bunch of good ideas.
“Watching videos on Youtube helps spin the gears and get inspiration,” he said. Don’t be afraid to emulate, imitating someone’s work helps you to find your style. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes: “It’s better to have a photo with bad composition and the wrong exposure than a camera turned off in a drawer.”
Perfectionism is an impulse to do better, not an obstacle to do less
Nobody is perfect, but many demand it for themselves. The secret to not being overwhelmed by perfectionism is to see it as something that pushes you to do better and not as an obstacle to your improvement. In the end, what is perfection if not a merely subjective concept? Take small steps and get used to seeing what you have done better than the last time, and not what you could’ve done.
Learn new skills and apply them immediately, you’ll improve at them quickly
Sometimes a hobby or a new activity needs learning specific skills: whether it is a graphics program or a new cooking technique, if you feel that what you’re learning is boring, then something doesn’t go well in your process. Try to understand the value of gaining a new skill and what you could do to master it.
Then, apply what you’re learning right after, be concrete in what you’re doing without just studying on manuals. It’s like when you’re learning a new language: if you are sticking to only reading words on a notebook without using them while talking or writing, you will forget everything pretty soon.
Comparing yourself with the “big names” doesn’t make sense.
As I said before, it’s useful to emulate the work of big names, but it doesn’t make sense if you’re comparing your work with their work. You won’t be able to take pics like Peter Lindberg or cook like Gordon Ramsey if you took a camera in your hands just a few hours ago, or you’ve just learning how to turn the oven on. Instead, look for an amateur community, associate with people who are likely to improve your work.
It is essential (and more productive) in your growing process to talk with people who are at your level and can provide you with the right feedback and insights. Plus, great friendships may be just around the corner!
Difficulties are something that happens in every process.
If you feel like giving up on everything, take a break. It’s more useful to stop making a list of everything that is not working in your learning process and work on it. Difficulties are the basis of our improvement, it’s reasonable to stumble upon them sometimes, but it is necessary to overcome them. I’m not the first, and I won’t be the last to deal with a lack of motivation or with the perception of not being good enough at something. It is essential to understand that we are not the problem; it is the attitude towards it that makes the difference between a work that was left aside and well-done work.
So, “what’s the point?”
I would lie to you if I told you that I was able to overcome that line in my head completely, this is a process from which I know I will come out stronger than ever. However, I am aware that the presence of positive people in your life is essential, and it helps us do what makes us happy, whether taking a photo or baking a chocolate cake.
What’s important to remember is that you must do whenever it makes you feel happy, without the fear of not being up to it or not being perfect. Give value to your free time, give value to you, even if with imperfect work, do something, and thrive.
Do it for you; you deserve it.
And once again, thanks Ludo.
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