A Day in the Life of a Recluse
We all gathered at the library to sit alone and curse our loneliness..
Got up early in the morning. Before sunrise, to be precise. Though I have no cab to catch or a pile of files on my desk at office, getting up early and finishing the morning routine before sunrise clearly kick starts the day for me. I occupy a small room at the upstairs of our building. I prefer to keep the door latched. The windows remain closed and the room is scarcely ventilated.
It is drizzling outside. I looked out through the window. There is a children's park on the other side of the road. Tiny droplets of water on the window panes blurred my vision. Looking down, I can see the wet road glowing under the fluorescent light of the streetlamps. As the milk van passed, gliding through stagnant water, waves crashed into the pavement. It must have rained heavily last night.
I prefer to spend the weekdays at the library. I have nothing to do on weekends; and I spend them at the library too. I ride a motorcycle. I ride to the library every morning.There is a reading room at the library where we can sit for hours and read books.
I sit in the reading room. There are a few familiar faces. I see them everyday. We greet each other; We smile. That's it. End of story. I haven't bothered to even ask their name . Nor have they tried to initiate a conversation with me. It has been a year and I haven't thought about giving it a try. Or rather, I haven't been in a position to think about such a change.I am helpless - I can't change.This passivity is too hard to resist.
With no one to talk and share my feeling with, I felt left out in the middle of a huge class, in a big city. And I am pretty much sure that every other person here feels the same way. What an irony this is. We all gather at the library to sit alone and curse our loneliness!
Books were my reliable source of intellectual wealth. Rarely have I come across people with an intellectual conscience who could reciprocate ideas, and not events or people. Had I not tried to stay away from the rest, I feared, that I would become one like them. I never wanted to be surrounded by mediocrities. I kept a distance from the rest and submerged myself in books and thoughts.
But still, in an attempt to stay away from the mediocrity, I have become one.As Nietzsche wrote,
"He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee."
It has been two years. It is not fun anymore. The absurd can no longer be embraced. The abyss of uncertainty is too deep that it intimidates anyone who looks into it. The four walls of my room has started to intimidate me. The four walls of the library is the only change I get. And that is not an option anymore. Yet, there is nothing much I can do about it.
I wonder if there is an escape from this situation - an escape to the good old days of love and happiness. I miss the casual chit chat with random guys at college, the debating association, social works, interacting sessions at the soft skill class, and everything else. Hopefully, in about a year things might change. The real challenge is to hold on until then.
I am not far from attaining mindfulness, but I still can't reach it no matter how hard I try. It has remained this close all the time. Will it remain the same for ever? Why am I excluded from happiness??If at some point I realize that it's forever gonna be the same, will I be able to handle it?
May be,up ahead, my life has to hit a crossroad at some point. Walking past the crossroad, choosing the road with the bloomed daffodils on either sides, time won’t take much long to wither off the past that has remained unfaithful to me.
The irony of life is worth commenting - Today, this passivity is the beast to whom i surrender . Tomorrow, the beast is not even in distant memory. The absurd is worth embracing. As Absurdists says it, ‘One must imagine Sisyphus happy’.
