Do You Ever Feel Your Mortality Is A Ticking Time Bomb?
When you picture yourself ten years from now, where do you see yourself being?
Married to the love of your life raising a family?
Working on getting your college degree?
Starting your dream career?
Is it ever incomprehensible for you to see that far into the future? Is it difficult to even believe that one day you will hit all these major life milestones?
Something I highly dislike about myself, is that it is almost unfathomable to even see myself surviving the next ten years, much less attain the things I have always wanted out of life.
It’s sounds absolutely crazy and maybe even a little morbid, but I have unfortunately been like this for as long as I can remember.
It’s quite hard to put into words exactly what it is that my mind is thinking. But to be blunt, I have always had this dismal fear that I will not live to see the day that I have a career, husband and a family.
Currently, I am working towards getting a degree in teaching, I am in a long-term, serious relationship, and when the timing is right, my boyfriend and I have plans to get married and have a family. I don’t have any life-threatening diseases and I lead an overall healthy lifestyle. So just as I do, you might be wondering what the hell it is that I’m so worried about if all the signs are pointing in that direction? To be quite honest, I couldn’t tell you.
When I think about these things actually happening, it’s like a barrier is up, obstructing my view of my future. It’s like I can’t actually see myself having a classroom. I can’t see myself walking down the aisle. I can’t see myself caring for and raising a bunch of little humans that I created.
It’s scary.
It’s scary wondering why it is I can’t seem to picture what I work so hard towards every day to achieve.
It’s scary wondering if maybe I somehow have some crazy, psychic abilities where I can somehow sense I won’t live a long life. (It doesn’t help that I am a highly superstitious person).
It’s just flat out scary.
I have read forum after forum of people who have similar experiences with these thoughts as I do, and all signs point to anxiety.
I have suffered from anxiety and hypochondria almost my whole life, so in the grand scheme of things, it makes a whole lot of sense.
Hypochondria has me constantly thinking that something is wrong with me and that my mortality is a ticking time bomb.
But at the same time, I have had these bizarre and uneasy feelings since I was little, which is around the time my anxiety and hypochondria began and I am still here!
The unknown can be tricky and uneasy, but it can, and should, also be exciting. While I do have these crazy thoughts, I don’t allow them to prevent me from getting out of bed in the morning and living my life as I always have. I don’t allow myself to give up on continuing with working towards getting to where I will have my own classroom, husband and family. Because if I live to be 100 years old and I look back and see that my fears prevented me from living my best life, did I really live that great of a life?
It was very hard to open up about this abnormal part of my life, but I have wanted to for a long time now, and it felt right. I have held these feelings and fears in for many, many years and it was so nice to be comfortable enough to be able to get them all out without fear of judgement and criticism.
Part of my reasoning as to why I wanted to write on this topic, is to see if there is anyone else out there who has these kind of thoughts. It would be good to know that I am not alone, so please don’t be afraid to reach out if you or someone you know has similar instances with this.
