Failing The Praxis Does Not Define Your Teaching Skills

As a twenty-three year old, struggling to get into a university was not exactly on my list of “to-do’s”.

I have been pursuing a career in early childhood education since ninth grade, thinking that at this point I would have my own classroom and be adjusting to my first year of teaching.

Many of my fellow graduates have found their way through teaching, nursing, raising families they have began to create or moving out to live on their own, yet here I am wondering when it will be possible for me to get back into school.

You may be wondering what exactly it is that is preventing me from getting into school, obtaining a degree and becoming a teacher.

It’s an unfortunate reality that I have suffered the consequences from since third grade and that reality is that I have a severe intellectual learning disability that hinders my abilities to be successful in math.

Take algebra for example. Unlike most people, I was not in college level math classes once I started at my local community college. In order for me to get to that point, I had to take six remedial pre-algebra classes to get myself up to the level required in order to take college math. That really holds you up in the grand scheme of things.

As an education major, you are required to pass a standardized test called the Praxis which tests your abilities in reading comprehension, writing and my favorite subject (not), math. Until you are successful in all three areas, you can not acquire a degree or get accepted into an education program at a college.

For me, reading and writing were a breeze. But as expected, I have struggled for the past few years getting through the math.

A few weeks back, I took the math portion for the fourth time. Luckily, once you pass one subject, you are not required to test again if you fail another, so there was no need to re-test either of the other two subjects.

I went into the testing center for the first time full of a confidence I had never experienced, as I had spent every day for the past three months studying for hours on end each and every day.

About an hour into the test, I clicked the dwindling timer and panicked realizing that I only had a half hour left to finish twenty some questions. My face got hot, I began to sweat and it felt like I was starting to go into a panic that is not easy for me to get out of.

While I spent a solid minute that I really couldn’t afford to lose doing all that I could to calm down and regain my composure, I finished the test to the best of my ability.

Even with my two minutes of panic, I still believed that I had done well enough to pass, even if just by a point or two.

The Praxis allows you to see how you did once you are finished and I decided that I would check and not wait for my scores to be posted since I truly thought I had it.

I clicked the continue button, heart racing as fast as it could and a big, black, bold 130 (150 is passing) stared me right in the face.

My heart dropped.

I held back tears for a few seconds and then I couldn’t hold them in any longer.

I had failed. Again.

And for the fourth time I was going to have to go out to the test proctor to sign out holding back all of the emotions I was feeling as they asked how I did.

For anyone that has ever worked so hard for something that decides your future, or anything for that matter, thinking that you have it and suddenly having that ripped from underneath you, you know exactly what I mean when I say I could have knelt to the ground on my hands and knees and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore asking God why He was allowing this to happen.

I had prayed hard, asking for the strength and knowledge needed to make this the last time I ever needed to take this test again, but it was not enough.

There is no way of getting around the Praxis as an education major. You can buy the books as resources to study, you can work one on one with a tutor and you can take every practice Praxis possible. But unfortunately nothing is ever like the test which makes it nearly impossible for someone like me to even become close to getting a passing grade.

The amount of self-doubt that I have developed these past few years while trying to pass this test is unimaginable. I don’t necessarily think that in order for me to teach a classroom of three year olds it should be required that I am a wiz at geometry, statistics and algebra, but unfortunately, that is the only way. And because of the failure I have experience while trying to reach my dream, it has become hard to keep pushing when all that has done is get me nowhere.

But I won’t let it stop me. I will continue to have doubts, I will possibly fail another time or two, but eventually I WILL pass no matter how long it takes.

For any of my readers who may be in the same boat I am in whether it be from trying to pass the Praxis, or any test, times will be rough, but you can do it.

My self-doubt is my fuel to just keep going and I will not stop until I see that 150 or higher on the computer screen and I am walking out of the test center smiling instead of crying.