Humor | Satire | Fiction

How to Get Any Job You Want–No Experience Necessary

You shouldn’t have to work for what you want.

Photo: Leon/Unsplash

“Tell me why you’re the best fit for this position.”

It’s a question you’re guaranteed to face when you interview for a job.

This is your chance. Time to sparkle like you’re Katy Perry in that Firework video. It’s your big shot at your dream job, if you nail this, your life will be smooth sailing from here on out.

You’ll get to sweat it out in a cubicle, climb the corporate ladder, crush arbitrarily goals, and reach staggering corporate heights of 80–100 hour work weeks. Who wouldn’t want that?

Lucky for you, I’m here to teach you how to ace your interview and land your dream job. Are you ready, my apprentice?

Make your resume sparkle

Resumes are a work of fiction. Like any great work of fiction, they need high stakes to keep your reader interested.

Beef up your experiences by injecting them with some drama.

No real-world experience? No problem. You can include everyday activities and pass them off as skills. For example:

  1. Master of the technological arts: I am the go-to person in my family for all Zoom-related problems. I can re-establish a connection in seconds.
  2. Verbal communication samurai: I broke up with my significant other face-to-face and not over text or DM like most people. I clearly explained why things were not working out between us, and now everybody’s happy.
  3. Time management wizard: I plan and schedule my social media posts for maximum impact. I know all the best times of day to post so I get a ton of engagement.

You get the idea, right? All you have to do is stretch the truth enough to make it look like your experiences and skill match the qualifications.

Be passionate about this

Your potential employer will want to see that you have that magical quality called passion. But you cannot be passionate about whatever you want–no.

If you want to impress the interviewer, say these exact words:

“I’m incredibly passionate about helping people.”

Why is a passion for helping others so important? Two reasons. First, it shows you’re not a self-centered jerk. Second, you can cram your passion for “helping people” into a lot of categories like sales, marketing, outbound calls, or management, just to name a few.

Make sure to throw in a few buzzwords like “teamwork” and “synergy” to tickle their corporate ears. Tell them how you’re sometimes so busy helping people you forget to eat lunch.

All companies want is someone who will say “yes” to whatever they ask you to do. Also, someone who won’t point out how utterly ridiculous the new initiative is. Show them you’re a “yes” man/woman and you’re in.

The secret move to get the job

Okay, you’ve sufficiently impressed your interviewer. You’ve got them eating from your hand. Time to deliver the KO punch.

While you’re talking about how passionate you are about helping others, make sure you recite–exactly–the company’s mission statement. You’ll need to do a little work beforehand to memorize this, but don’t worry because most mission statements are short. Use this secret move to your advantage.

Pro tip: To make a lasting impression, tear up a little as you recite the company’s mission statement. Can’t cry? A catch in your throat will suffice.

Don’t overdo it here–you’re going for subtle. But if you can convince your interviewer this job means everything much to you, without seeming needy, you’ll get it.

Wrap up

Okay, you have made it through the interview. Now what?

Later on, the same day, send the interviewer a thank-you email to show them you’re grateful for the opportunity to talk with them. Then, handwrite a thank you card and mail it to them so you stay top of mind. Finally, sit at your email with your phone and wait.

Here is the most important post-interview piece. If you haven’t heard back in 24 hours, call them and ask what’s taking so long, and if there are any updates. Keep calling until you get an answer. Potential employers love when you practice follow-up obsessively. It shows them you go after what you want.

Congratulations! It’s only a matter of time until you land in your brand-new dream job.

The information in this article is fictional, satirical, and humorous. Please do not take it as real advice–most of it is immoral and wrong. Having a problem getting a job? Search the internet for advice. Void where prohibited.

Say “Yes” to life • Husband and dad 2x • I only share advice I’ve lived • Say hello: kyle@kylechastain.com

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