I Always Thought I Was Special
Now There Are Some Doubts
Some days I feel like I know everything. I feel right about the path, sure about the reasonable choices that I made about my career, experienced enough to know where am I going, old enough to decide what I want, proud of my brain and skills, opposed to the mainstream consumption system, supportive of big dreams and artistic longings, breathing with my whole chest and traveling by myself as often as possible.
However, lately there are many more days when I feel like I do know nothing. I don’t know which yoghurt to buy, which clothes to wear, what to have for breakfast, where to go and how to be happy. I don’t know why I can’t be better in some things, how everybody here are being their best and brightest, if I should spend more time on maintaining friendships with the distance, why sometimes I feel so anxious about my future, what priorities guide my choices, how much time can I spend reading. I don’t know if all jobs are always terrible, if luck is something that really exists and what people mean when they tell me to just flow and wait for the signs. I don’t know what my needs look like, I just know that they are not being met.
I feel as if the world ignored me completely and yet I am here, frenetically moving my arms and kicking my legs, I am here, I am here, I am here.
I always thought that I was special. I somehow had this deep conviction that I would be able to catch my dreams and live my best life. I was hard-working, I was coming from nowhere and I had everywhere to go. Or so it seemed.
Lately I’ve been really confused because maybe, just maybe, I am not special at all. Maybe I also need to settle down for less than what I initially aspired for. Maybe my dreams will also remain unfullfiled forever. Maybe I just need to accept a normal kind of life, without explosions of joy and excitement, high adrenaline and endless absorption. Maybe I am just an average person, without a job I would love and a career that I dreamed of when I was a teenager.
It’s crazy how we grow up and learn how to settle for less. We keep going up the stairs of being an independent, adult, strong, reasonable person. With every step we loose a little bit of our illusions and naivety. The feeling that nothing is impossible and that we are something special indeed, just because we are, slowly evaporates as the time passes and we climb on the ladder of adulthood higher and higher.
Of course I have the capacity to think deeply and realise that I am actually healthy, young, and in love. Aren’t these the three things that we all would like to have?
I am grateful for that and I have been already through many great things, I have been also miserable, but I have never been as lost as now. I feel like I am living a life I didn’t choose, going to an office, listening to ridiculous discussions and arguments, coming home tired and uninspired. This is what I sweared to myself I was not going to do. Ever. But than you need to pay your rent and buy some carrots and cheese for dinner, and what choice is there left?
I don’t know what should I do professionally. If I can’t be an actress, who should I be? If I can’t act, what should I do? My life seems so strange: business school, rebellion against it, art, freelance, freedom, travel, stillness, nothing, not one nor the other.
I feel very vague, as if I was suffering from lack of substance. Where is my essence hiding these days? I feel like I have no idea who I really am. I feel like I could do everything and nothing. Like I am unable to grow because I don’t know how. I don’t know the direction so I am stuck here on this crossing, looking at the whole world running so fast and not being able to move even a tiny little bit forward.
And then I read Murakami with all this chaos and I stumble upon this:
If you have to choose between something that has form and something that doesn’t, go for the one without form. That’s my rule.
Haruki, you are my hero, but what kind of advice is this?
Any other thoughts for a 26-years old with a midlife crisis?