I Destroyed Her, And I Feel Horrible About It

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash
“Even though I’m smiling, I’m hiding so much pain.”

I saw her tweet that the other day. The girl who’s heart I broke 4 months ago.

I still watch her stories on Instagram. I still read her tweets. I still watch from afar.

We went pretty strong for 2 years. If you can believe it, 90% of that time was spent apart. She worked on the West Coast for a bit before going back to the Philippines, then she worked in Dubai for 6 months.

Then back to the Philippines.

Then I visited her home where her and her Mother hosted me for 1 month. That was 9 months ago.

Then this girl and I traveled through Southeast Asia together for two months. I have hours upon hours of footage from our trip, and most times I can’t even glance at the folder on my computer without feeling nostalgic.

It’s not the type of nostalgia where I wish for the past again.

It’s the type of nostalgia where I wish she’d be happy again.

I tell you one thing.. if I could go back and make it so she never met me, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

Deep Down, I Knew I Didn’t Want It For A While

I had doubts for a while.

I wasn’t sure about those doubts, though, because I can hardly keep my mind set about anything. I can barely choose what I’m going to eat for breakfast.

So I tried to be “mature” and stick to my guns. I tried to give it time because that’s what mature people do.

I think an attempt at maturity was to blame for me dragging it out so long, but I was also scared of hurting her.

Does that make sense?

I was actually so scared to hurt her that I kept deferring my decision for later. Like repeatedly kicking a can down the road.

The intellectuals of Medium will probably respond to this article telling me this was actually some psychological defense mechanism where I was trying to protect my own ego instead of try to keep her from being hurt..

Maybe they’re right.

Maybe I also didn’t want to hurt her because I knew everybody would think badly of me.

But why does this happen?

Why Is It Always The Break-Up-er’s Fault?

Why do the people that initiate the break-up always get cast in a negative light? Like it’s a bad thing?

What if a break-up will save someone years of heartache later on?

What, do you want to break up now or keep the facade, get married, then get divorced later?

That’s extreme, but there’s a point there.

And I get it, when you enter into a serious relationship with someone, there’s sort of unspoken promises you make to them.

That you’ll take care of them. That you’re serious. That this is going to last.

But then when it doesn’t you feel like an employee quitting their job.

Which… shouldn’t be a problem either. Employee’s don’t owe employers anything..

But it’s still sort of frowned upon.

I Still Care

This girl introduced me to the Philippines. My parents loved her. My siblings loved her.

She was about as perfect as you could get. Selfless. Slow to anger. She stood up for me when my page started going viral and getting criticism.

In fact, I think she’s the reason my page went viral.

And through it all, I’d do fucking anything she asked. If she asked me to send her $1,000 tomorrow, I’d do it.

She is the quintessential example of Filipino hospitality, kindness, and overall amazingness, and I still don’t want to be with her.

For whatever reason, it’s just not there for me anymore.

So I let it go.

I haven’t regretted it.

I only regret letting her down and stringing her along for so long through it all.

Stuck somewhere between caring a whole hell of a lot and not caring enough.

Ironic, isn’t it?

And yet these are my feelings.

It’s certainly fair to criticize my decisions to string this relationship out so long..

But it’s not exactly fair to call me completely terrible.

I’ve learned my lesson, though..

It’s best to crush the can instead of continuing to kick it down the road.