Avoid the Same Mistakes I Made in My Long-Distance Relationship
You can get through this, together
There are already so many factors that can make or break a relationship. Add on the extra time difference, distance apart, and things not working out the way we want, ultimately piling up on the already present complication and frustration from not being able to physically meet our partners.
In this article, I’d like to share my experience of being in an LDR for 6 months and some tips so that if you are going through an LDR, you will be able to make a smoother transition, and encounter lesser setbacks while enjoying the journey along the way.
Back Story
Before my partner and I approached this LDR, we were constantly by each other’s side. We live about 10 minutes away from each other, so we went to school and training sessions together, were in the same classes, ate meals together, etc. Until, the time of our internship approached, and he was posted to Thailand, while I was posted to Japan.
Distance sure does make the relationship grow fonder, but at the same time, the longing to physically touch and see your other half would grow too. The most important lesson that I’ve learned would be to learn to accept and treasure this time apart.
1. Accepting the differences
There were many things that took time for us to get used to.
- First off, there was the distance, which we never encountered before, and was now a barrier.
- Second, comes the time differences. Japan is 2 hours ahead of Thailand. It may not seem like a lot, but it piles up!
- Next, there are different work cultures that come from working in different types of establishments. I was interning at an SME, while my partner was working for a startup. I had fixed working hours from 9am — 6pm. But for my partner posted to a startup, going to work is like entering a battlefield. No fixed hours, OT as and when needed, lots of uncertainty, etc.
This meant that I had a lot of free time after work, and plus the time difference means more time to kill before my partner gets off work.
With not much to do apart from chores, preparing meals, working out, etc, there’s too much time for my insecurities to overpower my rational thinking. This resulted in lots of doubts and brought up certain trust issues during the span of the LDR.
2. Things won’t always go as planned
“Oh, we’ll call every weekend at this time. Or let’s catch up on this date at this time.”
It doesn't always work out. Expect the unexpected, and have contingency plans ready too. I could meet the dates and times we set, but due to my partner’s varied work schedule, there were many times we had to postpone.
This definitely got me annoyed due to its frequency of occurrence, but…
I had to learn to be patient, understanding and see things from his perspective.
This is where your contingency plans come into play. It helps to take your mind off of the idea of not being able to meet your partner online by occupying you with something else.
It could be like heading out to a new food place, exploring a new town, deciding to go on a run, etc. Anything to get your mind off the fact that your partner is unable to make the date you’ve agreed on. This curbs unwanted doubts and quarrels from coming up subsequently.
3. Don’t keep checking up on your partner
In the beginning, when we were still new to this LDR concept, I was expecting a call every night after my partner was done with work. I was still unsure of how his daily work schedule was like and thought that there should be more than enough time for a call a day.
This slowly felt like a burden to my partner as he felt that it was very tiring to keep up with. At times, he would end work at around 10–11pm BKT, which was like 12–1am JST. This was unsustainable for me too as all the late nights start taking its toll on me, and we just weren't enjoying this experience anymore.
We took a step back and talked things out. Also because my partner is not one to text often, it made it difficult to know his status, which also gave rise to lots of insecurities and self-doubts along the way. Eventually, I learned that if he values our relationship and time together, he should and will make the effort to call/text no matter how busy.
4. You & your partner are a 2-man team
This took a while for me to digest, but this saying has definitely enlightened me and changed my thinking.
“When both of you are fighting, remember that it is you two VS the problem, and not you VS him.”
Being in a team means balancing each other out, having each other’s backs, complementing each other’s flaws. When you face setbacks, tackle them headstrong together, sweeping the problems under the rug.
There are many occasions where we will quarrel when our insecurities take over, but make sure to listen to each other’s view first, before coming to a conclusion.
Suggestions if you’re going through an LDR:
1. Emphasize on personal development during this time apart:
We all need our own personal space and time to grow, to become better for each other. Use this time to upgrade yourself, be it learning a new skill, expanding your cooking repertoire, attempt something on your own, meet new people, explore the city/country, etc.
Give the both of you some time apart, and check in on each other occasionally to see how both of you are doing. Share your milestones and be proud and overjoyed over what your partner has achieved too.
When you eventually meet face to face, both of you will feel so much better, both mentally and physically. The time both of you took to develop and grow into a better version of yourselves, will help your relationship tremendously.
2. Take everything you see on social media with a pinch of salt:
Everything you see on social media might not be an actual reflection of what goes on in the other person’s life. This was a problem that came up very often in my LDR. I would often see my partner on a friend’s Insta story, which caused many doubtful and negative thoughts.
“Wow, didn’t he say he was busy? No time to even drop me a text or call but he’s hanging out with XXX ?”
“He looks like he’s having so much fun at work. Too busy to even check in on how I’m doing?”
This created many unwanted problems, which weren’t even close to how they were depicted on social media after confronting my partner.
Lesson: Not everything you see online is true. It could’ve been staged.
If you feel uncomfortable with what you see, let your partner know, and come to a mutual agreement on what's best for both of you.
3. Open & Transparent communication:
When there’s an issue, TALK, don’t text. There are too many opportunities to misinterpret the other person’s thoughts, tone, and message through text. When you are angry, whatever you read, may seem to be portrayed in a frustrated tone.
This fuels the argument even further when you are not thinking rationally with a calm mind.
We like to talk things out the next day after calming down, rather than on the day of the problem itself. It will only make us angry and annoyed when we keep thinking back on the problem that just happened hours ago.
4. Channel all your thoughts and feelings on another outlet:
Write them down, keep a log/journal, go for a run, etc. This gives you an outlet to relieve or vent your thoughts.
If you have anything troubling you, this is a good way to not bottle everything up inside you. It makes you feel better and relieves the negativity coming from all the unwanted feelings.
This calms you down, so the next time you two talk about your problems, it won’t trigger as large of an impact and emotion on you, preventing a heated discussion.
5. Find a schedule that works for both of you if possible
Look for a common time during the week where both of you are highly likely at home and have time to spare. Take this time to plan dates, Skype sessions, etc. that serve as a time for both of you to interact without any distractions.
This way, both of you have something to look forward to during the week and will feel more motivated to get through it. Rather than meeting to speak every day, your weekly meetings will be more anticipated.
There will be more things for both of you to share with one another, and less of an excuse to argue as the time is you have in that one meeting is precious! You want to end the week off on a good note, rather than argue and keep things sour, affecting your mood when you enter a new work week.
Final Thoughts
Entering into an LDR from a regular relationship is a difficult transition that takes time. You and your partner may take different amounts of time to get used to the change, so don’t rush each other and go at a pace both of you are comfortable in.
Open communication is a MUST, and always talk things out when any party faces difficulties coping with these new arrangements. There will be instances where your self-doubt will eat you up, but always remember to trust your partner.
When you feel like giving up, always remember why you even hung on or decided to start in the first place! Both of you can also discuss some things that you wouldn't like either party to do, and stay away from those, to reduce the misunderstandings that may potentially arise.
Always know that when you’re having a bad day, your partner’s got your back although not physically, but mentally or even spiritually. All the best to everyone out there who are going through LDRs, or those who will soon embark on them.
You can get through this together! Press on and after this phase, both of you will emerge with a stronger bond, which is a very rewarding & worthwhile experience!
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