On quitting; why it is and will be okay.
We all deal with adversity. To think life should be hassle-free and without struggle is a mistake. “Vivere Militare Est”; to live is to fight. But that doesn’t mean we have to volunteer and throw ourselves at needless hardship foolishly — you don’t get extra points for that. That was my main point in an article I wrote a few months ago.
There’s such a stigma when it comes to quitting — whether it’d be a job, relationship, workout routine, diet — we get this sense of guilt instilled into us by a society that convinces us that we’re lazy weaklings trying to escape a challenge and retracting into our “safe spaces”. It’s something that’s painted so negatively by our fellow humans that prize motivation, hustling, productivity, success, getting out of one’s comfort zone etc. and it almost feels like nobody wants to deal with you for doing so, and discards you as a result.
How many times have you felt like quitting something because you had a contracted feeling, but convinced yourself that you’d come too far to give up now?
How many times have you told yourself that you can’t just up and leave a “good thing”?
How many times have you let people convince you of something you weren’t feeling deep down?
How many times have you put off starting that thing that secretly excites you by saying that right now isn’t the right time? That you’re too busy, too talentless without specific tools, that money is needed in order to buy those tools?
How many times have you told yourself “I’ll do this one more time”, yet you keep resorting to the same sentence when things go amiss again and again, year after year?
My questions to you now are;
How has any of the above been working out for you? And if they haven’t, what are you waiting for?
Are you maybe waiting for things to miraculously go the way you want, when you want, without ever running into struggle, pain, the risk of losing money, or diminishing your relationship with your peers?
While doing my research to write this article, I was able to observe something quite intriguing; successful people are excellent quitters — they quit with flying colours. Now, this is quite interesting, because if you take note of what the rest of society is doing, the mentality is the opposite.
Through my writing, it’s clear to see that there’s a constant; when it comes to personal affairs, the majority is always wrong. Doing what everyone else is doing is bound to get you stuck. Successful people know this, and they make sure to hone the single skill that really makes all the difference;
It’s courage.
The Stoics knew when to call it quits too. And so does actress Taraji P. Henson. She wouldn’t be the amazing actress we all know and love if she listened to others.
See, quitting is fundamental to our existence, especially in today’s world where we’re more frequently just around the corner from the next, big, shiny thing.
As humans, we learn, grow and change regularly, so, therefore, it is absurd to believe that our desires, the way we are and priorities remain the same. All of these grow and change with us and with time. It takes absolute courage to sit still and utilise our energy to have an in-depth conversation with ourselves and feel that excitement we get when we meet someone new that just gets us.
Yet, instead, we keep putting on a mask and convince ourselves that we’re “pivoting”. While in reality, we’re becoming more and more alienated from different facets that eventually end up making us feel like we don’t even know ourselves anymore. I’ve said this over and over; our biggest problem is that we’re accustomed to people telling us what to do and even when we don’t, it still seems like we need someone’s permission.
Like you, I have quit countless things; sports, university, relationships, hobbies, jobs, habits, projects, routines, you name it. I felt miserable for being on what I considered to be a failing streak, and the comparative remarks some of my friends would make when we were hanging out, made me feel worse than worthless.
This is indeed how we land in crises in the first place. So how do we quit flawlessly like thought leaders alive today and from the past? How do we know that we’re in point of fact, pivoting, and therefore we should continue persevering or that we’re being stubborn pursuing something that really isn’t and won’t work out?
Like I said earlier, it’s courage. But it’s not that simple, to be courageous, a person needs to know him or herself well enough to quit at the right time. And that’s what I want to delve in deeper in this article.
Wait, so there’s a right time to quit?
Absolutely, and I really hope you aren’t hanging up your phone from calling your boss just now. There are some things to quit cold turkey, and there are some that require a gradual approach. But there’s a right time to quit both.
“But Ilsmarie, you just said I need to be coura..”
Yea, I just said that, but it’s a decision you have to make for yourself. I’m only writing what I was able to learn from reaching a really low point in my life. I’m not giving advice, nor am I giving instructions.
People that take advice or what was said and afterwards transform those into instructions, lack self-awareness; a vital component needed for courage.
In my previous article, The essence of being in a crisis, I discussed how we’re trained to remain functioning at the lowest level of awareness, and become reactive when things don’t go as expected. We are left perturbed once we realise that we’re still unsuccessful despite “working our asses off”. Isn’t that what successful people do? Why isn’t it working for the rest of us?
This slowly causes us to become alienated — which in essence means being in a crisis. Perhaps, what’s even more unhelpful, is the fact that when circumstances like these present themselves in our lives, we close ourselves off and ask purposeless questions like “Why is this happening to me?” or “Why me?”.
Do I even know myself well enough?
That is the question you should be asking yourself instead.
Human beings pertaining to the lesser per cent, hardly seem to land in crises. That’s because they have broken the cycle and are experts at being themselves. In other words, they are operating at different levels of (self) awareness and quit something the moment they get a whiff of it not adding to their bigger picture.
So if you’re in a crisis, the chances are that;
- You’ve probably ignored a variety of opportunities to quit something.
- You haven’t been creative in your approach.
What does this mean?
It means that you don’t know yourself well.
It means that you need to learn a couple of things, namely that life is a rollercoaster with a bunch of dips, turns, flips and climbs. To live optimally here on Earth, whether we like it or not, we have to accept our Fate. We all wish to have all of our desires met. Which soon enough we realise is not enough — what we really wish to have is ultimate power and control over everything.
People that think this way are prone to a lot of misery and suffering. They still possess the non-aiding belief system that was imbued into them as children and become impatient, upset or angry when they end up getting anything other than the instant gratification they were expecting.
So let’s be realistic here. If this is you, do you really think you can do a better job than whoever/whatever it is you believe put all of us here?
And don’t you think that since you’re already here, that you can instead focus on the things that you de facto posses the ability to control, such as changing your approach and living a better life as a result?
Why am I saying this?
We wish a lot of things; to not stand in a queue, to buy and win the lottery or come up with a multi-million dollar idea overnight so we can quit our jobs. To lead a happy life, have a smoking hot partner, obedient children, whom we take on holidays numerous times a year. To have multiple residences filled with a large variety of the latest and greatest belongings that “entertain” us and make us feel better about ourselves.
Here’s the thing about this mindset, it intensely focusses on the world around you in an ostensive way, rather than what you could be doing yourself. Wishing can be unrealistic and doesn’t require any commitment whatsoever. This is the lowest level of awareness and the level many of us, unfortunately, call home.
I don’t think this needs saying, but I’ll say it anyway; not because someone’s “rich” means that they are self-aware. They learned differently growing up, and that makes it their experience. Someone else’s experience can never be precisely the same for you. Some of these people are not exactly role models, because most of the time, it’s clear to see that they haven’t sorted themselves out.
Luckily we don’t have to stay where modern education left us; stranded in a world we cannot apply the skills we spent years learning. There is a way to learn and develop a healthier personality and become a better human for our own sake.
Adhering to Plato’s concept of the Allegory of the cave, I like to think that there are four different levels of awareness.
• Level 1 — Prisoners, a cave and shadows
• Level 2 — The Fire
• Level 3 — Sunlight
• Level 4 — Return to spread Wisdom
Note: A lot of people at this point would choose to say levels of consciousness. Despite often being used interchangeably, awareness and consciousness are not the same. They are similar in meaning, however, which makes things a bit complicated. It’s so complicated in fact that it has been discussed for millennia.
One evolves ego, and the other one doesn’t.
This is a topic for a different day. For now, I choose to stick with the term awareness.
I believe that from Level 2 onward, we become less entitled; we make goals rather than expect things to fall in our laps.
See, goals require action and propel us to do inventory of what we think is possible with our own skills and effort. In understanding how they work, we also understand that it does take time to get what we want and therefore, we need to be patient.
I hope you enjoyed the 101, now, let’s get to business.
Damn, that’s heavy stuff. But how do I become self-aware?
Like every skill in the world, one doesn’t become self-aware overnight. It takes time, requires introspection and will be daunting.
I already mentioned where the most significant percentage of the population operates — this is Level 1 — Prisoners, a cave and shadows. We are oblivious, naive and think that if we work hard enough, there’s a straight line to success. We get upset when this transactional approach doesn’t work and proceed to complaining because that is easier than asking ourselves useful questions which we point-blank refuse to do. We’re always distracted as a result of fleeing pain and the way we behave — only pursuing pleasure — strengthens the notion that we suffer from the so-called Shiny Object Syndrome. Three words; we are dogmatised. Therefore we say “yes” to everything because we’re afraid of missing out and we still possess the notion that more is better.
Around Level 2 — The Fire, we find ourselves understanding our limitations and shifting our beliefs. We discover that there’s a whole different world of areas we can focus on and grow. At this level, we’re still trying to adapt and find our footing. But things are slowly becoming clearer for us, so we’re slightly less open to certain opportunities and say “maybe” a lot. This “maybe” starts in a more personal setting where we’d instead do something that in the long-run would make us feel more fulfilled than short-term fulfilment.
We reach Level 3 — Sunlight when we can look back at our past and be completely detached from how it affected us (also subconsciously). There’s no trace of the belief system we once formed as children based on the way we were brought up to protect ourselves, nor do we possess one at the moment that hinders our transcendence and growth.
We more and more observe from a bird’s eye view and mastered the sense of empathy and courage. Which, in turn, allows us to cut off from being open to every possibility and saying “no” the majority of the time. This doesn’t mean that we become selfish, au contraire, we catch a glimpse of what happens behind the scenes of reality and acknowledge what it’s all about;
Oneness with each other, with the Universe.
It’s less about petty things like competition and comparison and more about sincerely helping others as it almost seems like we become conduits through which the Universe connects with others.
At this point, motivation is pretty much bullshit — our purpose pulls us to do what it is we enjoy doing. Having courage means bearing laser beam focus to reach our flow-state at will to do the earlier-mentioned.
And yes, because you say “no” more often, you can get more work done, quicker and better.
The rare and mystic Level 4 — Return to spread Wisdom is the level very few have reached, and very few were able to enlighten us about. Here one doesn’t have a glimpse of what happens behind the scenes of reality anymore, one almost has the ability to bend reality, and it must be maddening. Maddening because the level at which one over-analyses can lead to even more isolation and alienation from the rest of the world.
I believe that this is how it must feel like at least, to actually have what it is we truly desire; “Ultimate Freedom”.
Useful questions.
Last time, I’ve purposefully left out useful questions one should ask themselves. Here are a few;
Who am I?
What do I stand for?
What do I want?
How close am I to achieving it?
Would it matter to me a few years from now when I am departing this life?
What do I know?
What do I need to do?
Am I on the right path for what I want?
Why have I chosen the path I’m on in the first place?
Is it reflecting who I am?
Is it still in alignment with who I am today?
Am I at peace with myself?
Do I love and respect myself?
Am I entirely honest with myself?
Is there anything that at the moment I just have to let go of?
How can I help others?
Do the people in my life resonate with what I want?
Am I setting a good example?
Am I adding value to their lives when I’m around?
Am I motivated?
Does the thought of my dream amplify and serve me?
How has my life changed in the last five years?
Am I a better person than then?
Do I say “no” enough?
If so, to what?
When was the last time I listened to my intuition (not others or fear)?
When was I grateful for the last time?
Do I enjoy being by myself?
When was the last time I was alone and didn’t feel lonely?
What do I do or think about?
Am I good enough to the people that support and believe in me?
Am I learning enough?
Depending on how self-aware you are, you answer these questions differently. Remembering from my own experience, it was easier at first to ask myself some of these questions in negative form.
How to quit flawlessly.
Unfortunately, I cannot tell you when to quit something — nobody can. But I can tell you that if you spend enough time getting to know yourself, you’ll reckon that you have an enemy just like the world’s highest achievers were able to notice as well. This enemy is a silent, invisible, killer that is with you every single day, everywhere you go. Steven Pressfield coined it “Resistance” in his book “The War of Art”.
I like to see Resistance as the Universe’s way of testing us; it’s that thing that prevents us from doing what we have to. It’s mostly internal, but can be external as well. Regardless, it’s very potent and can manifest into procrastination, addiction, conflict, illnesses and other circumstances that level up the more we progress.
But just like every enemy teaches us something, Resistance can help us pinpoint our “purpose” — if you will — and serve as a North Star. Not that we’re born with a purpose or passion, or stumble upon it through life though. It’s cultivated over time by following a series of clues, really giving certain things a try and quitting others. Nevertheless, know that it’s usually the things that we want to be doing the most, that we’re afraid of being judged on by others.
So how do you know whether it’s Resistance or whether it’s just not working out?
It’s all about how aware you are. And Marie Forleo uses the following concoction;
She asks herself “Do you feel contracted or expansive?”.
What this does, is allow us to take an observatory role and watch our own body language to determine whether we’re plain scared and shouldn’t do something (contracted) or whether we’re still afraid, but should do it anyway (expansive).
The point is to understand current or past behaviours and utilise them to get out of the loop by distinguishing what’s coming from our intuition and what is not. Intuition requires practise, and we’ll be better at it over time if we treat it like any other skill.
Designing a quitting strategy.
It’s funny that despite being a population that praises getting out of one’s comfort zone, we don’t apply it where necessary because we simply lack courage.
We can live our entire lives struggling with one thing, because to most people, working hard for something they know they don’t want, is them being courageous. It takes grit, they say. Well, I find it senseless, especially if what you want is right there, but you decide to follow some extended process to get something that’s always been within arm’s reach without a glass in front of it or no catch at all. Dan Lok pretty much sums up what I mean in this video.
Brendon Burchard mentioned that he found it weird that winners are not only quitters but usually, say the following a lot when he interviews them;
“I’m better with the unknown, than the known that’s miserable”.
If something makes you miserable now, how do you think it’ll make you feel a couple of years down the line?
Things aren’t supposed to be great; we can’t be happy all the time. Maybe not five years from now, but let’s say twenty, you’re going to regret sticking with that thing for as long you did. Looking in retrospect, people don’t look back and say “oh, being stubborn was a good thing”. They usually say “why haven’t I done this sooner?”.
Here’s what you need to understand, when people talk about not ever quitting, they mean never quitting their vision, not ever giving up on themselves. But do you even know what you’re striving for? Is the reason valid? Or are you too attached to that thing to learn the lesson that it’s trying to teach you?
From my own experience, I figured out that not quitting at the right time can have drastic effects, especially on the mind. The following is a strategy I wish I came up with earlier;
Schedule a time for retrospection.
Take time every day, week, month, year — as often as you want, for a bit of retrospection. Here’s the time to reflect and analyse how the past period went. Think about all the things you’ve been working on.
Do you like what you’ve been doing? Are you good at it, or are your skills improving? Or are you struggling really hard just to be okay? Is it something you’re committed to improving? Do you have a contracted feeling about something?
Have a conversation with yourself on paper or in your head and don’t forget to consult all parties that are important to your decision-making.
Set a deadline and stick to it.
If there’s anything that we’re good at is setting conditions. So why not use it to our advantage? Set a scope and time limit. If the deadline is reached and the scope has not been reached, it’s time to consider something else. Make sure that as time is passing, you have genuinely given it a real shot and tried different approaches to make it work.
Change it up and conserve energy.
Successful people are aware of their most valuable resources; time, energy, peace of mind, and unload unnecessary information to make sure their head stays clear.
See, when we hit a wall, we believe that we have two options;
- Do more of what we’ve been doing.
- Do less of what we’ve been doing.
Essentially, the two come down to carrying on with the same approach. Whether it’s more or less, it’s still unchanging. You’re thinking within a very, very small box limited by norms, standards — in other words, your belief system.
But there’s a third option many of us don’t realise we have;
- Changing it up a bit and doing something differently.
Doing things the same way over and over has the effect of wearing us out, and it’s the reason why we land in a crisis in the first place. You can’t expect extraordinary results by doing what everyone is doing. A lot of people fail to realise this.
In my mother tongue, we have a saying “buriku no ta trompeká dos be riba e mesun pieda”; translated it means “an ass doesn’t bump the same stone twice”.
When all else fails… and it probably will…
Optimism is the answer. Even when things go undesired.
Quitting has nothing to do with strength or weakness, it has to do with the fact that you’ve reached the end of one of the many different possibilities you have at your disposal and can choose from.
It’s about being brave and having courage. We’re afraid to move on from what’s comfortable and certain because we want a seamless transition. We like to jump from branch to branch safely. This meaning that we wait to “find” our passion to discard something. But certainty is the enemy of growth. It doesn’t take strength or some special skill. Successful people are self-aware and are courageous enough to take a leap of faith for what they know they can do — for what they believe they want to master.
Even if we were to talk in weak and strong terms, quitting and starting something anew somewhere else takes more strength than continuing. It literally means uprooting and taking your experience elsewhere. It’s having so much focus, that no matter the circumstance, distraction etc. you still get to where you want to go.
You don’t need to know the next step to quit something. If you gave it a proper shot, were creative and took a few different approaches, and it still makes you miserable or doesn’t feel right enough for you, it’s probably time to move on.
Don’t glorify failures and mistakes, but know that they’re taking you one step closer to where you really need to be.
Think of it this way; just like your parents, at some point had to find comfort in the thought that they have taught you well enough, you have to parent yourself and trust that the skills and knowledge you have will eventually help you come out better on the other side. There is absolutely no way of knowing if you don’t try, in fact you fail 100% if you don’t take the chance.
Here’s a spoiler; it will work out some way or another.
“Sometimes you need life to save you from what you want, to give you what you need.” - Tim Ferriss
We all know what makes us come alive, but it’s hard to admit. We choose to wear masks and follow different paths in life because we’re afraid of how others perceive us.
This mentality is toxic to our own existence and progression. If we were slightly more self-aware, we’d realise that none of this should really matter.
Even when we have people that support us, they can’t help but doubt something until they see that we’ve gone ahead and done it. In fact, nobody believes. So the belief, the work, the encouragement needs to come from within.
If we continue pushing as hard as we can, we’ll slowly start seeing that our productivity starts suffering, together with our mental health and the rest of our body.
This is a crisis and a lot of people resort to running and immediately asking for a sign. If you were to ask them;
“What type of sign do you want?”
“The one where you’re diagnosed with an incurable disease so you can finally quit your job to do what you postponed ages ago?”
I’m sure they would be gobsmacked and unable to reply. The crisis is the sign! Your body and circumstances around you are in dire need of a refresh or simple pull of the plug.
To quit or to persevere? Both require courage. But one requires more courage than the other as taking a leap of faith because something isn’t right enough for you (anymore) takes more grit.
You’re the one who has to go to sleep with the thought of your actions in your head. Do what feels right, be okay with that decision and accept that that’s the best you can do at this specific moment in life.
So I invite you to disrupt the norm, show all those non-quitters how to quit with flying colours, show all of them that are pretending to be out of their comfort zones, what genuinely being out of one’s comfort zone is — comfortably uncomfortable.
Thanks for reading, have a nice day! 🖖
