Read This When You Forget You Love Her
There she went behind the wall, out of my life forever.
She might as well have been 8,000 miles away thanks to the airport security borders.
For the rest of her life she’ll be living on the other side of the planet in the Philippines, unless we figure something out.
Unless we feel we should keep this going in some way.
And I want to.
I told her I’d see her again in 8 months. But who knows if I can.
I’m just afraid I’ll forget how much I love her. I forgot how much I loved her after just one month of being away last time.
“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”
- Kahlil Gibran
And it’s not easy to write that. It’s not easy to say that I’m actually a really confused, stupid 24-year-old who gets distracted from the obvious best choice for my future after so little time away.
I guess I’m just paying attention to all the wrong things.
Distance kills love. I’m sure of it.
And some might survive long distance, sure, but I believe the relationship always takes some hit in the end.
No amount of Facetime calls or handwritten letters can beat physically being in front of someone.
That’s what I’m afraid of.
I’m afraid I’ll be weakened by a glance in the club somewhere. I’m afraid our calls will get boring because we’re constantly having conversations from a square pane.
It doesn’t help we’re citizens of different countries, either.
So there you have it, I’m afraid.
I’m afraid of my own weaknesses and immaturity to make the right decision and do everything I can to solidify a future with this girl.
How can I do something to remember you? After careful deliberation, I figured I’d write about how I feel right now, while I still remember.
“When it’s gone, you’ll know what a gift love was. You’ll suffer like this. So go back and fight to keep it.”
- Ian McEwan, Enduring Love
When I see you next, I might feel a little remorse for coming all that way. I may wonder why I spent all that money on a plane ticket and start coming up with 1,459 reasons why you’re not the one in my mind.
I may stop saying “I love you” because I don’t feel it anymore.
I may start asking why we have to Facetime 4 times a day.
I may become cold.
I may meet other people I have a connection with on the road, and start wondering whether I should come see you at all.
I’ll book the plane ticket more because I said I would, rather than because I actually want to come all the way to the Philippines.
Jeez, what horrible things to write. They’re atrocities. But in the end they’re things I’ve felt before and can only assume I’ll feel again.
Here’s a few other things I’ve felt before.
When I saw you sitting on the floor helping my Dad fix the sink I fell in love with you.
When I saw you cooking a feast for my family made entirely out of Filipino food, I fell in love with you.
When you decided that you’d follow me down a trecherous (almost vertical) dirt path in Utah in nothing more than a dress, I fell in love with you.
I swear we had dust all over us.
When you tell me stories about how you grew up, I fall in love with you that much more.
When you cry about your parents who are having problems and dig your face into my shoulder for comfort I fall in love with you.
The truth is you do something every time I see you that fascinates me. And it’s just you being you.
You’re unlike any girl I’ve met before, and that’s easy for me to forget along the way for some reason.
I have to write what I feel.
I’m fighting between staying single and committing to you.
“When you loved someone and had to let them go, there will always be that small part of yourself that whispers, “What was it that you wanted and why didn’t you fight for it?”
- Shannon L. Alder
I keep telling myself there’s always someone prettier, smarter, etc. out there. The stupid search for the baddest woman on the planet will never end.
I’m being so immature. I know I’ll never find someone better. I know I have pocket aces and that I’m still second-guessing going all-in.
I’m torn because of the belief that I should spend my twenties being single or something. But what if the perfect person comes along?
I’ve written about how I want to stay single before, but I’d have to be really stupid to let this girl go.
My Dad told me you’re someone I should marry. That’s the first time he’s ever told me that.
There’s moments in our lives where we must decide to grow up. It’s in our best interests, actually.
I see many of my friends having empty sex with people on drunken nights out wondering whether there’s something more.
I think there is.
I think it’s time for me to grow up.
So, if you’re reading this later Tom and some stupid girl has gotten your attention and made you second-guess the one you have now,
You have everything you need with this girl. You are happy with this girl. You have only just forgotten because of time and distance. Be strong. Don’t be weak like many other people, and choose to grow up in this time when you’re uncertain of yourself.
Because when you see her again, all the way in the Philippines, you’ll remember why you love her soon after.
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