The Greatest Advice I Can Give to a Woman in Her 20’s Right Now
Practical tips based on my personal lessons learned in love and life
Let me start by saying I’m sorry. I know I said I don’t like taking your relationship advice, so why should you take mine? Well, you don’t have to. But the advice that follows is based completely on real mistakes I made and lessons I learned. Plus, these are practical life tips — no fluff here, folks. So take it from me (if you choose) and don’t make me say, “I told you so”.
1. Don’t get into a relationship with someone who isn’t in good working order. (And be in good working order yourself.)
I’m borrowing the phrase “good working order” from my life and sex and love guru, Dan Savage. I’ve read Dan for YEARS, and he often states that people need to be in good working order before they can be in a healthy relationship. If you or the person you’re dating have unresolved or unmanaged issues — be it mental health problems, drug problems, financial problems, lack of boundaries or self-control, or anything else that would impose an undue burden on the person on the other side of the relationship — don’t do it. Don’t get into that relationship.
Even though I had read this advice from Dan over and over, there was a long time where I found myself ignoring it. I told myself, “I just want to help”. And it’s easy to fall into that role for someone we care about, that role of helping, providing, enabling. It’s easy to want to take care of someone we love. The problem, though, is when you do this too much. When you do this more than you should. When you care about fixing the problem more than the other person does.
It is not your job to fix anyone except yourself.
In fact, trying to fix someone else is a game you will lose every time. The only way for a person to truly fix their problems is for them to recognize, step up, and take action. Don’t waste your time on someone who can’t do this because it will ultimately be an emotional drain on you and your relationship.
2. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want in bed.
Good communication is important to any relationship, but it’s especially important when it comes to sex. If you’re having sex that isn’t what you want it to be, you need to speak up. Everybody enjoys different things in bed — everybody has their own kinks and quirks and things that are turn-ons and things that are major turn-offs — and you cannot expect the person you’re with to be a mind-reader.
Tell them what you like and how you like it. Ask them to tell you what they like, too.
I know it’s not always easy to use words in the middle of sex, and it’s not always easy to tell someone you’re not enjoying that thing they’re doing to you (particularly when they’re putting an awful lot of effort into trying to please you). But sometimes you just need to be blunt. Throw some humor in if that makes it easier. Remember that even if you hurt their feelings a tiny bit by saying, “Um, I don’t really like that thing you’re doing…”, their ego will be immediately restored when you writhe in pleasure as they do the thing you asked for instead.
3. Go with your gut.
This one is intangible and hard to describe, but it’s held true for me more often than not. Sometimes you might find yourself in a situation that appears to be a really good thing on paper. All the right elements are there and there’s nothing seemingly wrong about it.
But somewhere inside you, deep in your gut or nagging at the back of your brain perhaps, there’s a feeling of hesitancy. Of uncertainty. A feeling that asks, “Are you sure?”
And you’ll want to say, “Yes, I’m sure” because you can’t define any real reason you’re not sure. You can’t identify any specific problem and you can’t articulate the wrongness you feel. So you go along with it all because everything just looks right — on paper.
But eventually the thing will blow up in your face or it will slowly and painfully disintegrate, and you’ll realize you should’ve just listened to your gut feeling long ago.
Even if you can’t explain the why or the how, and even if it seems illogical, trust your gut instinct and run with it.
4. Have hobbies.
It really doesn’t even matter what your hobby is. Maybe you like extreme sports like ice skating down a mountain. That’s cool. Or maybe you knit. That’s cool, too. Or maybe you practice taxidermy. A little strange, but also cool. (Bonus points for being a little strange.) The point is: do things that interest you because that will make you an interesting person, and if you’re dating (or even if you’re not), don’t you want to be somewhat interesting to other people? Of course you do.
The bigger point here is that it’s important to figure out how to be your own person.
If you’re in a relationship or dating someone (or someones), it’s easy to lose yourself. It’s easy to become complacent and just put all your free time into being with that other person, or to put your time into things that person enjoys instead.
But that’s a sure way to end up hating yourself.
Have your own hobbies and interests and do them. Have your own life. Be your own person. You’ll be a better partner because of it, you’ll be more attractive to people you date, and you’ll be a happier person overall whether single or coupled.
5. Don’t obsess too much about how you look.
You look great. You really do. You look great in a bikini. You look great naked. You look great in yoga pants, and sweatpants, and jeans, and booty shorts, and anything else you can put your butt into.
You probably look better now than you ever did before and than you’ll ever look later. So fucking enjoy it.
Find one thing on your body you particularly like. Legs? Boobs? Feet? Smile? Eyes? The dimple in your shoulder? Whatever. Doesn’t matter. Find one thing. And when you start feeling down and find yourself obsessing too much about how you look, remember that one beautiful thing and it will make it all okay if only for a little bit.
6. Don’t date someone who’s overly jealous or possessive.
At best, this is annoying. At worst, it’s gaslighting.
If someone doesn’t trust you, don’t change your behavior in order to appease them. Take it as a sign and run.
7. Get the HPV vaccine.
If you’re younger than me, odds are you may have gotten this already, probably when you were a teenager. If so, awesome! I’m jealous the vaccine didn’t exist when I was a teenager. If not, it’s not too late. Talk to your doctor and get the vaccine.
HPV is so incredibly common and easy to get. Guys can carry the virus without having symptoms and so they can pass it to you without even knowing it. And even if you have HPV, you might not have any symptoms either, but some forms of HPV can cause warts or cervical cancer so it’s something you’ll want to be aware of and monitor with your doctor.
Just get the vaccine.
Because worrying about whether or not you have cancer is not a fun thing.
8. Put your friends before your boyfriend.
It will never be easier to make friends than it is when you’re in college. You have roommates, hallmates, study buddies, parties, the person you randomly started talking with in the dining hall — boom! Instant friends. Friends abound. And you really only get this opportunity once. So don’t blow it.
Post-college, it’s hard to meet people who don’t already have their core group of friends, it’s hard to branch out of your own little nook in the world and connect with new people. People get married, have kids, get jobs. The real world is not super conducive for fostering the types of friendships that can bud during your college years.
So, don’t put your boyfriend before those friends.
Cherish your friendships and put effort into them. Once you lose them, they’re incredibly hard, if not impossible, to get back.
In college, there were many, many weekends I chose to spend with my boyfriend instead of my friends and if I could do it all over again, I’d choose the friends instead. Even if you think your relationship is important (and it may be). Even if you’re in love. Even if you think you’re gonna marry that person. Your friends should be more important. Always. Because when you get to the point where that relationship ends (and it will), you’ll find yourself alone and you’ll have no one to blame for it but yourself.
9. Have safe sex.
So, one time I was seeing this guy and the first time we had sex we didn’t use condoms because, well, I don’t know…I was buzzed and intoxicated by the moment and being careless. I completely regretted it the next day and didn’t want it to happen again. So the next time we were together, the conversation went something like this:
Me: Do you have a condom?
Him: Uh, yeah. But we didn’t use one last time?
Me: I know, but we probably should have…
Him: Yeah, but it’s sort of too late now anyway, isn’t it?
Me: …Um, I don’t know, I guess so?
(I was on the pill, btw)
And that’s, more or less, how we ended up not using condoms.
Again, regrettable. This was a bad idea. A terrible idea. Don’t do this.
See, the problem here was two-fold: (1) We were not in the type of relationship where no condoms could be a thing, and we didn’t really even have much of an STD discussion . (2) I DIDN’T LISTEN TO MY GUT. My gut said, “That first time was a mistake, let’s not do that again.” But I ignored it for no good reason other than I liked this guy. I’m sorry, gut. You were right.
Use condoms. Even if you didn’t one time and then you regretted it because you knew it was a dumb thing to do. Use them next time. It’s okay if you do a dumb thing once, but don’t keep doing the dumb thing.
That is how one ends up with an STD.
10. Call your mom.
In all honesty, this one applies to me today as much as it did in my twenties. I don’t call my mom enough. I don’t talk to her about my problems or turn to her for advice. I probably should. I know she’d love that. But we never quite established that type of relationship and sometimes I wish we had.
Anyway, call your mom. Tell her what you ate for dinner. You could have lots of boyfriends and lots of friends but you only ever get one mom.
Thank you, Benjamin Sledge, for asking about what advice I would give to someone in their 20’s based on my experiences. Maybe you were hoping for one main thing, but it turns out I learned at least 10 important things.
