Why You Shouldn’t Be The Bigger Person Every Time

*Attention* This post was written by a 24-year-old who’s still figuring things out.

That’s a dark headline, isn’t it? Man. Pretty soon I’ll be a hermit living on the side of a mountain in Montana if I keep this up.

Yes, we shouldn’t be the bigger person every time. As a youth I was always pushed to be this person. More humble. More understanding. But I think, like many things we’re taught when we’re young, this lesson doesn’t always translate to adulthood.

Want to know why?

Because some people will take advantage of you.

Because some legitimately don’t deserve it.

Because sometimes you have better things to do.

Let’s define what being the “bigger person” actually means.

‘Being The Bigger Person’

Taking the blame after a disagreement/argument first and initiating steps to rebuild said relationship before the other party.

At least that’s my definition. What’s yours? There’s some more caveats to that. Obviously when doing this you’re also legitimately seeing where you went wrong. It’s not like you’re just saying sorry to say sorry.

Remember that.

We could debate definitions all day, but I think I’ve captured the essence pretty well above.

Why Not Be The Bigger Person?

I once had a really great friendship. We had so many great memories together. I thought she’d be my friend for life. I thought she’d be the Godmother to my kids. I thought a lot of things.

But things occured between us. Lots of arguments and bitter words started coming out of our mouths and I noticed that I was the “bigger person” for almost every single one of our fights.

In five words, I got sick of it.

It’s Literally Insanity

My old wrestling coach used to say the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result.

I was doing that A LOT with my friend.

How could I keep doing that and expect her to one day apologize for all the ways she hurt me?

I couldn’t!

To some people, an apology means “you’re wrong and I’m right.” This isn’t true. An apology is so much more than that. An apology can end wars. It can salvage marriages.

Yes, it’s an admission of guilt, but it’s also a statement. It says “I care about you more than being right.”

For whatever reason that’s a place lots of people aren’t willing to go.

It is the embodiment of humility. I would go so far to say it’s the purest way to show we love someone. Yet we find it so hard to say.

It Will Happen Again

Some people just aren’t good at humility.

It’s like pulling teeth.

After a while you’ll start taking these behaviors as signs of character. This is just who they are. They find it extremely difficult to apologize. They don’t care about being the bigger person.

Why should I re-build bridges (again) when I’ll be stuck in this same situation a month, six months, or even a year down the road?

It’s a waste of time. You don’t deserve it. And it creates animosity.

Being the bigger person does wear on you. It certainly did with me!

My Dad says we should never do things out of obligation because that creates resentment. It’s true.

I hate conflict. I hate when people are angry with me, so often times I apologize really quick to make everything better.

I never realized, though, that it was definitely wearing on me. I thought I was re-building my relationships when in fact I was placing explosives at the foundation. I was unknowingly creating animosity by constantly being the bigger person.

I became a freaking time bomb.

Looking Back Now

I think about my old friend so much. I love her and always will. The problem is she has to change for our relationship to be healthy.

Animosity and love don’t mix together very well.

It doesn’t always work to be the bigger person.

That’s what I’ve learned.

And in the end it’s not even like she has to move mountains.

All she has to do is vibrate her vocal cords long enough for half a second, and get two words to come out of her mouth.

“I’m sorry.”

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