I should hate someone who lied to me for several years. I should really dislike that I spent many of my formidable young adult years on you (4 and a half to be exact), but I don’t.

I met you at work. I was finishing up my senior year of high school and I was in a stifling relationship with a boy about 3 years younger than me (although he felt about 10+ years younger than me by the time it was through). I thought you were geeky but funny, nice but mean. I was kind of inspired by the fact that you were consistently funny, but just shy enough that you intrigued me more and more as I continued to make smoothies side by side with you at work. Soon we were laughing when talking about common interests, and you laughed at me pretty regularly.

Our friends planned a sneak attack on us. I left the boyfriend at home that I was growing more and more annoyed with, as he refused to give on my metaphorical leash. We went to the State Fair that was in town. First let me say that not only was I excited to be going to the fair as an adult, but also that my friends thought you liked me. I thought for sure you did, too. We did all the normal child-like flirtation (i.e the pushing, bumping, making fun) and you laughed at me constantly. They had an elephant at the fair… I lost it. I bolted straight to it and noticed there was a sign to ride the elephant. You asked me if I wanted to ride the elephant and I protested and said “No, I just need to find a way to free him”.

Did you know we were magnetic? We were drawn to each other in a way I never saw possible. Our months turned into years. I was so surprised we lasted considering we spent two short months together and then I left for college, where we basically spent our first year apart. I knew we were going to make it when we succeeded as a couple commuting hundreds of miles to make it work.

When I moved back to town to go to a college closer to home after a very turbulent freshman year of college, we were both living on such a high, going from barely seeing each other to seeing each other almost every single day. We grew so much and so quickly emotionally. We stimulated each other mentally and motivated each other to be better as people. When the urges came (especially on my end) it was not working. I thought for the longest time it was me. “I wasn’t what he was expecting”. After all, I had no experience. I was the girl that all the guys were friends with and I managed to have a boyfriend, but I couldn’t quite commit to the sex. I wanted to commit to sex with you. I tried everything I could think of. You seemed very interested but when it came to show time the curtains fell without the main event in sight. I became so desperate to fill the void with you. I tried things I wasn’t comfortable with. I compromised way more than I was getting.

Then something happened. I moved from working a full time job with a company that did not value me and dropped to part-time to a new job with a ton of new people that were more like myself. I became more confident. I realized it wasn’t just my old job that did not value me, but my current relationship had lost its morning glow after 4+ years of fighting for it. I met a ton of people that found me exciting and interesting. I started to believe that I was more exciting and interesting than I ever gave myself credit for. I was more confident than ever. I was finding my inner self. I was experiencing what you are supposed to in your 20's. I felt like a bold, beautiful young woman that had the most inspiring future ahead of me. I started to fall in love with myself.

We moved on with some tears and hugs and decided it was best to part ways. I felt broken a bit. Now we were nothing more than friends that may or may not run into each other. I wasn’t completely removed yet and I was hurting. I knew it was the right thing to do. I was so glad to be moving past this chapter in my life but I was so sad to be broken apart from the only person who felt, in a lot of ways, like a best friend figure.

You decided to leave town in a hurry. You spoke about moving to Portland and then it turned into moving to Philadelphia to spend time with the other half of your family. I was happy for you. But I was mad that you could motivate yourself to change and move without me. Time passed on and I heard through social media you were sick. Not just sick with a cold, but diagnosed with Cancer. I was devastated. I was so broken up inside.

Reassuring phone calls and conversations is something I knew I could always do for you. I knew that you would always be the pessimist and fight me, but being as stubborn as I am, I refused to let you knock me down. I was discovering more and more that you were hiding from me and everyone around you. I knew way before you were willing to tell me. I think I always knew it my heart.

I know you’re gay. It’s not a bad thing. I know I should be mad at you for the longest living lie…. but I’m not. I love you and all of you. When you become someone’s friend/girlfriend/ex-girlfriend you just let things that bother you fall apart and appreciate someone for who they really are. I knew you would apologize and maybe hate what you did. I never hated who you were or what you did. Love is funny like that. When you take someone for who they are, you recognize that they might not be exactly what you want but sometimes they are just what you need. I’m so glad we are friends again and the fact that we are friends is all I ever wanted back from you.