The Best Songs
By Adam Sutton
Sometimes creators have no idea what kind of strange directions people will end up taking their original creation. The Pepe the Frog artist had no idea it would later be used as an image for the alt right. In my case, it was a simple Spotify mix.
A few years ago in college I threw together a Spotify mix with the simple idea that all the songs were the worst songs ever made. My memory sucks, but I’m almost certain it was when I was bored and on break while lifeguarding at the USC pool. (Yeah, I was a lifeguard at USC, pretty cool.) The guards were allowed to play music on the pool deck loudspeaker while half-heartedly paying attention to people lap swimming and never drowning. For the most part, people put on pretty inoffensive stuff and I could go about my shift in peace. But one day, a particularly bro-y guard put on an insane playlist that was filled with songs I really detested, some of which would go on the mix I’m about to talk about. To be honest, the mix almost gave me a panic attack. Being trapped in a situation where I’m forced to listen to crappy music is incredibly anxiety inducing for me. Perhaps I need more therapy but I just can’t handle when the aux is in the wrong hands. I lose my shit. A few years ago, I worked at an ice cream shop where I usually had no control over the mix. When one of the managers put on a 90s alternative playlist I had to sprint into the bathroom to take a few deep breaths and meditate because my chest tightened and I started going insane after 311 followed Collective Soul.
So that is why I made “the best songs.” Out of pure anxiety and anger at another lifeguard. I made a mix of songs that if played over and over again would give me a panic attack. It’s a total mash up of genre and era, all songs sharing the same quality that they are terrible, at least to me. I know Frances and probably you, the reader, will disagree with some of the songs on here (eds note: I have fought with my brother multiple times about some of the songs on this playlist!). I gravitate toward hating lame, modern pop rock like Hot Chell Rae, Cobra Starship, and All American Rejects. I don’t want to be a huge hater as I feel like one can find good things to appreciate in any type music, but these songs eat shit. The only regret I have is putting Master P’s “Make Em Say Ugh” on the mix because that song is actually sick. Anyway, I’m getting too into the weeds here as I always do. What happened with this playlist after is the weird thing.
Shortly after making the mix, I showed it to my college roommates. One roommate had a high school friend visiting, we’ll call him Doug, and thought it was a funny playlist (THANK GOD) and started following it. He is still the only person on Earth who follows this dumb mix. We all laughed, debated shitty music, and moved on. Doug went back to his own college. I didn’t think I or anyone would ever listen to this mix again.
Months later, I noticed something bizarre. In Spotify’s glorious creeper side bar, I saw that Doug was listening to “the best songs.” Hmm that’s funny and cool and also, weird, I thought. I took a screenshot of him listening to “Fireflies” by Owl City and sent it to him. I sorta asked “what gives?” and expected a, “Oh I put this on ironically or to show for friends for fun” sorta thing. But the response was far weirder. He said “I’m using it as a study playlist and have been for a little while now.” After asking him what kind of sick, twisted fuck he was, he explained to me that he put it on once, on a lark, while studying for a big exam. He somehow made it through that experience alive and, more than that, crushed his exam. It was now a superstitious routine of his to study while listening to Hoobastank’s “The Reason” and all the other “best” songs in order to reach his maximum potential as a student. I could not believe it. “I have become death,” I said to myself.
I’ve been able to catch Doug publicly listening to “the best songs” a few other times since then and I still don’t know what’s going on. I still sometimes forget I even made this mix until I remember that it’s Doug’s big study playlist. I saw it again this year and it turns out that he’s taken the practice to grad school. “When something works, you just have to keep rolling with it,” Doug explains to me when I ask him once again how on Earth he can keep listening to this batch of music. I never really asked him if he actually likes a lot of the songs on there as I don’t really want to know. I think Doug is a little too superstitious, but if he has me to thank even in the slightest for contributing to his academic success through a playlist then I’ll take it!
Even though I still don’t understand how someone can get into the study zone while listening to Alien Ant Farm, I now realize the wonder in “the best songs” and in playlists overall. It’s so bizarre that something I made out of pure hatred can be used in such a positive way for someone else. Never in my wildest dreams could I have predicted this playlist would mean anything to anyone. Music is a transcendental force that can bring people together, usually in beautiful and sentimental ways that I don’t have the talent or desire to write about. But sometimes music can work in much funnier ways, like when you channel frustration about a coworker into a terrible playlist and it turns into a force that helps someone study for a big exam.
I hope in the next decade Doug continues to listen to “the best songs” for all important occasions in his life. I like to think of him preparing for a massive presentation to all his bosses at work in 2028, blasting “Price Tag,” absolute ice in his veins. “I’m ready” he’ll say, as he goes in to take charge of his life and career, all thanks to me.
