One of Those Days — or the day my english mastiff dragged a metal table through the streets of shanghai

Let’s start the day with a laugh and a lesson, shall we?

We had been here for about 2 weeks. I have mentioned the dog. One nice sunny day, I decided to take the dog for a walk and leave the children with Xiao Li (nanny/maid/helper/lifesaver). So, Benny and I head out for a nice leisurely stroll. People ducking and hiding and gasping in fear all along the way. No big deal. I am getting used to it.

Benny and I come upon a coffee shop. I decide an iced latte would make the trip complete. The only problem is, well, what do I do with the dog. Ah, I see a table that I can tie him to while I step in for a latte. Makes sense. He is a very well behaved, mellow pooch who is lazy, lazy, lazy. I figure he will just hang out until I return.

So, I go in. I say a quick thanks to god that they provide a picture menu for painless ordering. I silently place my order with the point of a finger and a sheepish smile. I turn to my right to check on my tethered pooch. I notice he is standing. Hmm. I think, maybe I should go out there and tell him to sit. Ah, but i don’t want the barista to think I am ditching her, so I pull out RMB35 (about 5 bucks), show her I am placing it on the counter and point to the dog to let her know my intentions. When I point to him, I notice he is gone. Puzzled, I look out the other window and can’t see him from that angle either.

A little butterfly flutters in my gut. I exit the coffee shop and what do I see? My pooch rounding the bend with a metal table cracking the whip around him. All I hear is the grating sound of metal on concrete (which haunts me to this day). I scream “no, benny, no!” and I take off running after him as any good pet owner would do.

Mind you, I am not equipped for a half mile race. Here I am in my $2.50 old navy flip flops and a skirt flapping in the wind chasing a 150lb monster through the streets of Shanghai! Crowds have formed like it was an Olympic marathon. Mocking (or so I thought at the time), high-pitched “Benny’s” are coming out of no where.

Interesting thoughts are entering my mind. Fuck! was probably the first thing. Next was like, oh my god what the hell is going on? Am I losing my mind? Next is, oh my god, these people are so scared of him, I can only imagine the horror that is going through their minds. Their horror? What about my horror? Oh no, he will surely be hit by a car! Oh no, what if he is…my third child. How horrible! What would I do? You get the idea. It was not good.

Anyway, I get to my apartment building and Benny is chillin’ by the door. Panting. One long string of slime hanging from his jowls. No table. Where on earth is the table? I know I saw it was attached at some point. Forget the table. I grab him and run in the building as fast as possible.

Dizzy from elevating my heart rate from resting to, well, not resting, confusion, frustration, anger, embarrassment, etc. I decide to call my doting spouse. I am sure he has some words of encouragement for me. He does love me after all, right? After trying to reach him for about half an hour, I resort to calling his GM, a former colleague of mine, too, before i gave up my career for this…life. He summons Rob to his office and I get a phone call 10 minutes later.

I won’t recap the whole conversation because my memory has a tendency to lapse when very angry. Basically, he laughed at me. Oh, then he told me I had to do the “walk of shame” and go talk to them because they will call the police. Police? Images of Jack Bauer’s hand in season six of 24 flash before my eyes. Pissed that he is right, and that he laughed at me, and the idea of talking this out with someone only makes sense when you can actually talk to someone … I collect the kids, Xiao Li and my chinese-english dictionary. I figure the kids will draw some sympathy from the scorned barista and Xiao Li, well, for moral support because she is terribly sweet.

After a painstaking negotiation, it is agreed that I will go to a store and purchase a new table. Simple enough. Xiao Li calls Driver Chen and we are off to the store. We find the table. The price is RMB 695 (just less than 100 bucks). I pull out my wallet, and out of no where, Driver Chen gently pushes my wallet into my purse and stands in front of me to act as a barrier between me and the sales person.

Not sure what is going on, I sink into a chair. All the while the kids are wreaking havoc on this patio furniture store and normally, I would be all over that shit and there would be a time-out or two, but I could only muster the energy to sit and shake my head.

It was like watching a tennis match … back and forth … I couldn’t tell who was winning…I had no idea what was going on. A half hour later, a piece of pink tissue paper was handed to me with some chinese writing and 580 at the bottom. Apparently, they were negotiating.

At the time I couldn’t appreciate the gesture. He saved me like 15 dollars. All of this nonsense for 15 bucks? I was so irritated and frustrated and cursing him in my mind because I just wanted the day to be done, but to him 15 dollars is like $120 — and that is a lot. Especially for someone who makes about $3500/year driving my sorry, spoiled ass around at my leisure.

Upon much reflection, it made me think about a lot of things. First of all, loyalty. He has known me for 2 weeks. And he felt compelled to negotiate on my behalf. Second of all, I was acting like a child. My dog ruined my day because I wanted a cup of coffee. And third of all, how willing I am to throw money away just for the sake of making my life easier — as if money is disposable? A bit of a wake up call. Fourth, I didn’t know everything here is negotiable? Everything!

Anyhow, the 5 of us finally leave, assemble and present the table to the barista. She is happy, we are happy, we turn to head home…I’m about to shut my door when I hear, “Aye!” I pop my head out of the car and it is the barista running back to me with my latte: a layer of water resting on top of the milky coffee concoction and a paper napkin soaked from condensation hugging the plastic cup. We’re all grateful, probably for different things, and let out a hearty laugh. A few “xie xie”s and we’re finally on our way home.

We arrive. After a few more chuckles and “Mei Wenti”s (“no problem”) the 5 of us take the elevator to the 7th floor. I am digging in my purse for my keys.

Where are my keys? Xiao Li, do you have your keys? No, she doesn’t have her keys. Om my fucking god, we are locked out of the house!

Could this day get any worse?

***

This post originally appeared on my dormant blog, The Price of Tea, which is the inspiration for my second memoir…I’ll post to medium after I finish with the first.