Hey Theo,

I’m bad at starting and ending things. You know this. I’m trying to fill up this space so I can get it out, all of it from me.

I took my damn time writing this, and even now, it’s not quite perfect or complete. I want to start this by telling you that I love you. I don’t think I tell you enough, and when I do, I don’t think you know how I mean.

I love you in the, we are here right now, bodies on fire with want, and I love you even when my mind is clouded. I love you when you add sugar to stew, and it makes me laugh because, wtf. I love you in the little dance when you’re enjoying something. I love you in the long quiet walks. I love you in the high out of our mind, lights off, dancing to sad songs. I love you in the I see you, and you’re real. I love you in your shapeshifting face. I love all the you’d I’ve gotten to know. The you’d I hope to know.

I’m a very “this is my space, and nothing should be here. Just me person”, but sometimes I like when it’s our space. When we go grocery shopping, we we are out on our stupid midnight adventures looking for food or weed or some random shit. We are always getting into some shit. Our life’s motto around each other should be “fuck it, let’s do it”. It’s how we end up with coloured hair every other month, watching Kipo by 3 am and shouting. You make life feel beautiful.

In finding myself, I’m glad I found you. In our Percy Jackson days, when we bonded over fictional characters, we now bond over real-life lmao.

I know I make you worried a lot, and you make me worried about you. I’m just better at pretending. But I feel better knowing that when I’m walking on the road lost, you will come looking for me , and you have. That you’d make me a card with my pronouns for me to carry around. That you’d get me a t-shirt with my favourite musician because he makes me want to live even though he’s dead. That you’ll always hold space for me.

I don’t know when exactly you became home. I know home for you is that cottage I hope you get, but home for me is that tiny pocket in time when it’s just us, watching studio Ghibli and eating noodles that’s far too spicy for you and beer.

Everything sucks but not so much when you’re there.

💜Baz