Urination & Art
A metaphor or allegory or something
Disclaimer – the following article was written under the influence of drugs manufactured by Kroger, the same company behind Flimsy-Rip® Toilet Paper.
Science fact: human beings become more focused when they need to urinate. You make better decisions when you have to pee. Now, we’re all adults here (if you’re not, this article will make you into one; namely, a man). We can talk about this stuff without being scandalized. And we need to, because I’ve had to pee for a few years.
This is a metaphor or allegory or something.
I love people who say that they want to create art for a living, yet claim not to have the time. Do you have the time to urinate? Do you have the time to ingest fluids and fun-sized snacks? No, sometimes not. But you make time, because you don’t want to implode like a shrinky-dink.
Do you know what I do when I have to pee? I order my life around it. If I have to pay $20 bucks not to wet myself in public, I’ll pay. And I should know – I’ve peed in public before. I was once stung by a jellyfish and, under completely false information, was told that my own urine was God’s secret antidote. I stared one of my friends in the eye, established dominance, and did what had to be done.
This did not work.
So, I’ve written a few books and other narrative works. This is not something I’m proud of. It was something I had to do. I’ve rarely been paid, and every dollar I receive is matched by 2.6 loud, begrudging sighs on the part of the reader. My last screenplay was so bad that it ended a relationship. Even I can’t bear to read my second book. So why am I still doing it? Well, why are you still eating?
This article is supposed to be about a project I’m working on. My indignant tone is a result of losing free will. But that’s the point – my latest novel was not up for debate. I had to write something. My roommate has to design rockets, and my brother has to cut open dead people. Luckily, neither one is using his passion to commit mass murder. So, given that I have to write, I wrote something I hope is worthwhile.
My latest book is a solid 125K-word behemoth about confronting demons. Some of these demons might actually be legitimate horned/hoofed demons. Some may be mental, social, or physical impairments. I didn’t write the book because I wanted to send a message. That’s the deep, dark secret. I wrote the book because I had the book in me, and I needed to get it out.
Can I make this more clear? The book is pee. That’s the metaphor here.
Art is not special. There aren’t any job openings in happiness. That’s not going to happen. You might luck out on a job you don’t hate, and that is the best possible option. You might get a job that gives you an outlet, that allows you to do something you were absolutely built for.
Do you know why you’re more focused when you’re more pissneedy? It’s because you’re imposing control on a part of yourself. Taking control of a need and not just farting around on the internet will make you a better person in all areas of your life.
There’s that thing in your mind that you know you should do. You know what I’m talking about. Go do that thing. Now. Nothing else matters when you have to pee – and you do have to pee. In like, an inspirational way.
