Monday Night Raw, Live Blog, 8/8/16

Petulant Reactions

Recap:

1. Enzo Amore and Big Cass open the show with a verbal standoff against Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens. Kevin Owens and Enzo are solid on the microphone (as usual), but a couple of Big Cass’s jokes fall flat, including one homophobic joke that seemed out of step with the times. It was so bad, in fact, that a joke about Billy Ray Cyrus’s “Achey Breaky Heart” by Jericho was better received, and it was cringe-worthy. This standoff leads to a match between Jericho and Enzo. The match is an even affair, with the crowd predictably rooting for Enzo. Big Cass enters the ring to help an injured Enzo, and the match ends in disqualification with Jericho the winner. Kevin Owens helps Jericho up the ramp, yelling and talking (wonderful) mess to Enzo and Big Cass. Big Cass then picks up the microphone to challenge Kevin Owens and Jericho to a tag-team match at Summer Slam. Big Cass then reminds KO and Jericho that they are S-A-W-F-T. I’m glad they spelled it out for us.
2. The show cuts to Mick Foley talking on the phone (to Stephanie McMahon) about ending the Brock Lesnar/Randy Orton Raw/Smackdown feud. Sasha Banks enters to talk with Mick Foley about defending her title against Charlotte. Sasha complains about interference from Dana Brooke, asking for a handicap match. Mick says he will keep Dana Brooke away from the ring at Summer Slam if Sasha can beat Brooke in a singles match prior to Summer Slam. Mick wishes her luck, and Sasha reminds him that you don’t need luck when “you’re the boss.”
3. Ben-Hur didn’t need a remake. Sorry. Back to wrestling.
4. Braun Strowman enters the ring. There have been two weeks of excellent squash matches, including the now famous match between Braun and James Ellsworth. His opponent this week will also be a jobber. Don’t worry, jobber, “any man with two hands has a fighting chance.” Strowman brings the jittery jobber into the ring against his wishes, and proceeds to punish him mercilessly before winning the match. Strowman then (literally) throws the jobber from the ring. Ugly, impressive, and wonderful. As with last week, I want to know what they are building Braun towards, and am left curious.
5. Puff Daddy enters to talk with Mick Foley. Puff Daddy invites Mick Foley to see the Bad Boy Family. Mick Foley looks concussed. The New Day (Xavier and Kofi) enter to give Puffy Daddy Booty-O’s. [INSERT WWE 2K17 PROMO]. Puff Daddy asks about Big-E’s “nutz” which makes my entire night worth living. Mick Foley reminds us that we are not allowed to say “nuts” on television, but quite literally everyone watching WWE live on a Monday night loves the word nuts. It might be the cheapest pop there is for the WWE’s target demographic.
6. Raw returns from commercial break to a match up between Titus O’Neil and Darren Young, a rematch from last week’s Raw, where things got ugly after Titus O’Neil’s controversial win and subsequent confrontation with Bob Backlund after the match — a confrontation that ended with Darren Young sucker punching Titus O’Neil. Darren, in a reversal of last week’s roles, grabs the tights of Titus O’Neil to win the pin. Titus protests, but has little room for complaint. Apparently Bob Backlund didn’t see Young cheat, which could be fuel for future drama. Bob Backlund’s incoherence has been nearly unwatchable, so any storylines that have him speaking more and more frequently are a welcome change to my enjoyment of wrestling. I look forward to this storyline developing like a limping shit-storm.
7. Seth Rollins enters the ring to take control of the arena, as he is wont to do. His mic work is excellent, his wrestling is excellent, he is an excellent heel, and he is currently the company’s greatest asset. His mic work is impeccable as usual as he talks trash about Finn Balor and their impending Summer Slam match for the Universal Title. Seth takes cheap, cheap shots at Finn Balor’s current name and character, telling the audience that Balor hasn’t always wrestled under the monicker “Demon King.” Rollins calls Ballor “one of the most disrespectful humans he’s ever encountered”. Again, brilliant heel work. This is going on five minutes or more, and has already been one of the stronger segments of the night. He claims to be a living legend, having toppled the Roman Empire. Mic drop. Rollins brought thick, beautiful heat to the mic, and is easily the most complete entertainer on the roster. If there is a criticism to be made, it’s that Rollins went too long and didn’t always have the crowd, but it’s Anaheim (Disney, California) which is a garbage-no-good place with bad baseball teams and sawft citizens. Five or more minutes of listening was probably a tall order.
8. Seamus enters the ring. He is made of milk and ketchup. Cesaro enters the ring after him and holy shit how did he do that??? rips off his entire suit from head to toe. James Bond ain’t doin’ that shit. When Cesaro and Seamus fight, the announcers dub them “two of the most physical men in the WWE,” where physical = a placeholder for anything interesting to say about two guys for which there is nothing remarkable to mention. Seamus, the worst thing ever is asking if we are not entertained. It’s just a really easy answer, especially when you keep losing to Cesaro due to interference with the referee and a cheap shot by Cesaro. Your winner: Toast def. Milk.
9. A video of Randy Orton and Brock Lesnar plays. They argue over a moving piano serenade, then talk mad shit between montages of muscles, sweat, and fireworks. Paul Heyman calls Orton a surfer riding a wave of fame, but informs us that Brock is the shark, which would make Brock Lesnar the biggest god damn shark on record. Now, Seamus, now we are entertained.
10. The Dudley Boyz enter the ring, and I Google “Dudley Boyz,” after only faintly remembering the name. I realize that anyone who watches wrestling and reads this will be disappointed that I did not know of The Dudley Boyz and their previous work in ECW and TNA. The camouflage is not a good look. If I’ve lost you as a reader, ask yourself: are The Dudley Boyz worth leaving over? However, as I’m typing this, they recap a great promo where The Dudley Boyz talk some really egregious shit, and I find them righteous. I take all of it back. I’m all in. The Dudley Boyz face off against Sin Cara (Lucha! Lucha!) and…Neville. I am, for these minutes, the biggest Dudley Boyz fan on earth. I want to like Sin Cara; I am not biologically built or capable of enjoying Neville in this life or the next. As far as names go, Bubba >>>>>>>> Neville. Your winner: Neville and Sin Cara, after Neville does something actually badass off the turnbuckle, but not badass enough to make you forget his ears and name god bless him.
11. We cut to Rusev, the United States Champion, staring at himself in the mirror. We are told that we will be celebrating Rusev and Lana’s love together, and I wonder what I am for real watching right now. Then I remember that Lana is hot, Rusev is my favorite species of bear, and I sit in anxious anticipation through commercials.
12. Daniel Bryan enters the arena on his diplomatic mission from Smackdown to Raw…
13. …but we cut away to Rusev’s bear anthem. He stands like a mountain in nothing but pants and a vest because no shirt could contain him. Lana enters in a wedding gown (ow, ow!). The ring has tables and cakes and flowers and champagne and stuff. Lana draws cheap heat from the crowd by calling them not V.I.P. lol. Rusev defends Lana from the booing crowd, and Lana kisses Rusev’s bicep. For one moment in my life, I know the true meaning of jealousy. We cut to wedding pictures of Rusev and Lana, and folks, I go to pour my fourth drink of the night. I return to the crowd chanting “BOR-ING! BOR-ING!” and I am appreciative of all the discerning fans of Anaheim (Disney, California). Rusev calls us all “jealous, American pigs.” Roman-thank-christ-Reigns enters the arena. Let’s smash some cakes! The cakes are (thus far) fine, but Roman challenges Rusev for the United States Championship at Summer Slam. Has the Roman Reigns rehabilitation program, v.2 begun? Vince, you genius. Roman pours some champagne, Superman-drinks it (I don’t know what that is but it makes an otherwise mundane motion seem better!) and calls Rusev “Sasquatch” and Lana a “mail-order bride”. He then deftly insinuates that Rusev did not perform satisfactorily for Lana on their wedding night. Rusev proceeds to beat the bird feathers out of Roman. Roman retaliates, sending Lana OMG CAREENING INTO CAKES AND WE HAVE SWEET SATISFACTION. Please, god, let Roman be a bonafide heel that does more (but better) things like this.
14. Rusev demands satisfaction from Mick Foley. Mick Foley grants his match at Summer Slam vs. Roman Reigns.
15. DID YOU KNOW WWE NETWORK IS 9.99 A MONTH? YEP. WITH ONE MONTH FREE.
16. Sasha Banks enters the arena. I am probably in love with Sasha Banks and none of you can also be in love with her because my love is too big and it forces your love back to a respectable and non-intimate distance. Dana Brooke enters the ring with Charlotte behind her. Bold Prediction: this match, predicated on eliminating Brooke’s interference from Sasha’s Summer Slam match with Charlotte, will suffer from interference from Charlotte. Watch the fireworks, y’all. And I am totally wrong. Sasha Banks wins, which guarantees that there will be a zero, no chance, mathematical impossibility of interference from Dana Brooke during the Summer Slam match between The Boss and Charlotte. Zero. Write it down.
17. Finn Balor does a pre-taped sit down directed at Seth Rollins. He’s sitting in fog in a suit upon an altar, or divan, or chaise or something. He tells us about Irish warriors who did things like stab themselves in the face with poison, which sounds really hard but also not smart. He then tells us about Balor, who has an eye that, when opened, ends the world. An eye-pocalypse, if you will, ah-thank you. Finn then turns into a demon via Industrial Light and Magic.
18. Anderson and Gallows then mock Big-E for getting his dick and balls smashed by dressing up as doctors, holding eggs in water, saying “nuts,” “balls,” and “testy.” They claim that they will soon sack more testicles. Someone get Seamus and tell him that we’re entertained again.
19. The members of New Day who still have working balls and dicks enter the ring. Gallows and Anderson follow wearing the same physician white coats. Gallows and Anderson win the match easily and shoot an ornery stare at Kofi Kingston’s ball sack. Xavier Woods prevents his teammate from being smashed into the turnbuckle dick first.
20. We cut to outside the arena, where Goldust looks for R. Truth who he (hilariously!) thinks may be searching for Pokemon because this joke is not only relevant, it’s a living, breathing thing that has become sentient and bigger than all of us and our hopes and dreams and we might as well succumb to its dark and moist embrace…no, wait, he finds R. Truth with Scooby-Doo next to the Mystery Machine. They say some shit. I didn’t listen. Garbage.
21. Mick Foley stands in the ring and calls the Rusev wedding “fresh.” He welcomes Daniel Bryan to the ring. Daniel compliments Mick Foley, and Foley returns the compliment, plugging the Cruiserweight Classic at the same time. Mick interrupts Bryan’s plug for Smackdown Live by “apologizing” for Brock Lesnar destroying Randy Orton on Smackdown Live. Bryan fires back with a quip about Lesnar being R.K.O.ed on Monday Night Raw. Bryan mocks the name of the Universal Championship, which Foley defends. Enter Rusev, who claims that he is the only champion Raw needs. Bryan insults Rusev, and Rusev threatens to crush him like a “Smackdown Live bug.” Cesaro enters, and this segment gets less interesting in a hurry. Cesaro all but begs for a championship opportunity. Bryan then — brilliantly, in a nice bit of brand sabotage — promotes Cesaro in front of Foley, who is clearly uncomfortable with the situation. Mick Foley announces that Roman Reigns will still wrestle at Summer Slam, but that Cesaro and Rusev will wrestle tonight for the United States Championship. Bold prediction: Rusev wins the shit out this match.
22. The show is now guaranteed to run way over, as the last match is beginning promptly at 10:00 p.m. Rusev demands to be introduced first, and the match for the United States Championship. Any night with multiple Cesaro matches that runs past ten o’clock is exactly what Raw needs to remain the flagship brand. Rusev begins the match possessed, slamming Cesaro’s injured shoulder into multiple turnbuckles. Cesaro mounts an admirable comeback, locking Rusev in the sharpshooter, only to have Milk-Ketchup interfere so that we are guaranteed not entertained. The official finds himself distracted and Milk-Ketchup lands a dirty shot on Cesaro. Rusev retains the United States Championship.
23. Roman Reigns enters the arena and spears Rusev’s soul out of his ass. This is the Roman Reigns we deserve, fighting for a lesser belt and being a total dickhead in the process.
24. Push/Pull — It seems that Raw is clearly pushing Roman Reigns, and they might finally have the right idea here. Make him despicable, make him dangerous, make him unpredictable. The spear of Rusev at the tail end of Raw is exactly what Reigns needs. On the flip side, I’m not sure that Raw knows what to do with Cesaro or Seamus at this point, and I find them filler in an overly long show (clocking in at three hours and some change this evening).
25. Buy/Sell — I totally buy the Seth Rollins/Finn Balor rivalry, as the WWE has the easy job of promoting two bonafide superstars. Rollins is just the man, and Balor is well on his way to providing the same electricity to Raw as he did to NXT. I’m also buying in on Kevin Owens, and I realize I’m late to the party. His mic work, promos, and wrestling are second to none. He’s brilliant. Since I’m not acknowledging The Golden Truth enough to sell them, I’m selling the Big Cass mic work early in the show. Kudos to the crowd for not automatically gobbling up an easy (and cheap) homophobic joke. It was lazy writing, and Enzo and Cass deserve better. They are legitimate rising stars in the company, and their performances need to be more carefully managed than this. Not to mention that Big Cass ended the match on a disqualification. A seven-foot hero who cheats and says homophobic shit? Dislike. I am already on their hype train; the WWE needs to get with the times.
26. Bold predictions — I want to see Enzo and Cass win the tag team, but I don’t see that happening in the near future. I can’t quite call this a bold prediction, but I’ve been hoping since I started watching (quite recently) that Reigns would turn heel. I predicted he would do so at Battleground, but I’ll take what we got tonight. My bold prediction: Balor takes the Universal Championship over Rollins. I don’t believe he will, but Balor is far and away (get it?) my favorite wrestler/performer in the WWE.
27. Why you should be watching — watch for Seth Rollins and Finn Balor. Seth has been carrying the company, and Balor is next in line. Obviously watch because Brock Lesnar is a mutant, and Randy Orton can R.K.O. anyone at anytime (even you!). I’m buying because the talent is absolutely stacked right now with multi-tool wrestler/performers. Kevin Owens might be the best wrestler/promoter on the roster. Any show that he might show up is a show worth watching, even if it’s just pestering Enzo and Cass with Chris Jericho.