WWE Battleground 2017 Live Blog
I’m still Googling the term “Punjabi” as we head into tonight’s Punjabi Prison match, which is fifteen seconds longer than Vince McMahon spent researching the rich culture of superstar Jinder Mahal. I’m hoping that tonight’s match will further illuminate the rich and well-developed three-dimensional heritage of his character. And with that, let the PPV begin…
Pre-Show: Aiden English vs. Tye Dillinger
If the goal of Aiden English singing before each match is to get heat, it’s working. If the goal of Aiden English singing before each match is to get so much heat that the Network loses subscribers, I’m considering. Does Kenny Omega sing before matches in Japan? I’m guessing not.
Aiden English dominates the match early, which is to be expected. WWE has a bad habit of burying talent, but I cannot imagine that Tye Dillinger loses to Aiden English on the kickoff show of a minor SDL PPV. As a matter of fact, I’ll bet my testicles on it. Vince McMahon knows I’m doing this, and somewhere, somehow, is laughing as he grinds the cleaver…
…and I take a dangerous mix of pills and Canadian beer (Bret Hart rules) as I bid farewell to my genitals, which, while unimpressive, were mine nonetheless.
Aiden English def. Tye Dillinger via pin fall.
The show cuts away to Jinder Mahal entering the building. He is interviewed in Punjabi by what I can only assume is another man who also speaks Punjabi. His character is further deep-dived as a mysterious/dangerous foreigner/existential threat/ambiguous middle-easterner with bacne.
Main Card:
The New Day vs. The Usos for SD Tag Team Title
The New Day enter in patriotic garb. The crowd embraces them (still). They pour cereal on fat children, and people dance. Wrestling is more than art. It is human.
The SD Tag Team Champions enter second. This is noteworthy, because WWE doesn’t seem to care about any rules of prize-fighting in which the defending champion(s) enter second. To their credit, they get it right this time.
Replays of the infamous rap battle between The New Day and The Usos are shown, highlighting everything but The Usos’ reference to Xavier Woods’ sex tape with Paige, which is the best part of any rap battle.
The New Day start strong, which is ironic given that Xavier Woods will be in this match and not blowing his trombone to the chagrin of anyone over the age of ten. Between Jinder Mahal and the interplay between The Usos and The New Day, it would behoove us to discuss race in the WWE…
…or we could have more beer and keep watching wrestling with our brains off, which is how it’s intended at the point of transmission. Shh. Drink Labatt Blue with me (Bret Hart rules).
Woods — a wrestler with a very public and very unimpressive penis — wrestles himself unimpressively into a bind, but is revived by the syncopated chants of the crowd. He manages the hot tag to a much better wrestler, Kofi Kingston, who used to be Jamaican, but forsooth, was Ja-fakin’. He sends both Usos flying out of the ring, and then tags to make Xavier Woods legal again because he wants to lose this match. Woods nearly gets the pin fall. Tonight is not my night.
Jay Uso calls out to the crowd, and gets the largest response of the night, even larger than The New Day. This makes this match worth watching, because The Usos’ over-ness continues to make me incredibly happy. This is that day one ish letting The New Day know what god damn time it is.
The New Day land Midnight Hour, almost stealing the belts from the Usos, but Jimmy Uso, maybe Jay, probably Jimmy (I don’t fucking know) improbably kicks out. Jay, maybe Jimmy, probably Jay (I don’t fucking know) then lands a frog splash off the turnbuckle, but Kofi kicks out. The crowd is genuinely into the match, and then like a three-dollar whore who gives head for beans, chants “This is awesome!” for a match that, while good, is probably not that awesome.
Kofi Kingston super-kicks Jay or Jimmy Uso, probably Jimmy, maybe Jay (I don’t fucking know) and Xavier Woods lands a flying elbow. The New Day secure the pin fall, and I am 0–2 on predictions and have already lost my nuts. Labatt Blue (Bret Hart rules) is on the way!
The New Day def. The Usos via pin fall to win SD Live Tag Team Championship.
Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Baron Corbin
Shinsuke has the best music in all of WWE. If you don’t agree with me, you’re wrong, maybe racist. And you hate kids. My daughter loves this song. Why do you hate her? I didn’t know that the crisis of post-modernity had left a Japanese, Michael-Jackson-shaped-hole in my heart until Shinsuke filled it.
This match is a tough one to predict. There is (arguably) no wrestler hotter in America than Shinsuke Nakamura, despite the big-show’s desperate attempts to render him irrelevant after an historic NXT run. However, Baron Corbin is clearly earning the company’s favor, and rightfully so; there’s an argument to be made that he is one of the most improved wrestlers over the past year. He’s also from my high school, and while this is irrelevant, is a fun factoid.
Nakamura and Corbin go nose to nose after the bell rings, and brutally exchange strikes. The idea that Corbin is being allowed to hang with Shinsuke, even for a few exchanges before he exits the ring to compose himself, speaks volumes to how high the company seems to be on Corbin.
Baron Corbin and Shinsuke exchange more strikes, and Corbin emerges the better. He then works the crowd, and when they respond, works them further. I’m telling you, the boy is become a man. After further striking, some brief out-of-ring work, and then a submission attempt, Baron Corbin shuts down crowd chants, yelling “I’m doing alright, dummies!”. Let The Sassy Wolf eat.
This is going to be a really unpopular opinion, but some of Shinsuke’s wrestling looks slow in this match, and inaccurate. This could be a product of him working with a taller man, or it could be Corbin still learning, but there have been some awkward exchanges, specifically in striking, that just didn’t come across well.
As they continue their plodding, striking-heavy match, I’m wondering: is Shinsuke capable of a match that doesn’t include the same six strikes? He is a huge personality and a massive draw, but at this point the audience has seen everything he’s done so far on Smackdown Live. What can he show us that is new? What grappling? What slams? I think that, unfortunately, WWE’s style doesn’t merge well with Japanese strong-style, as WWE is fundamentally a softer promotion. Whatever the cause, I’m still waiting to see something new from Shinsuke, and the crowd is no longer into this match.
As some might have predicted, in order to save face for both talents, Baron Corbin wins by chicanery, kicking Shinsuke in the Nakamuras, a move to which I am impervious after the first match of the night. Corbin leaves the ring only to reenter with the MITB briefcase, assault Nakamura as he regains his wind, and then lands the End of Days, leaving Nakamura laying in the ring to a (quietly) booing crowd. Not a great match, or a great look, for either guy. My questions about Shinsuke are valid. I love him, but damn that match was awful. Many people will blame Corbin for this one, and that might be fair, but those same people simply couldn’t bear the thought that Shinsuke and his style are hard to work with in the WWE setting. Go ahead and pitchfork me now, but I’m not entirely wrong. Neither guy gave the other much to work with, and they should end this program fast.
Shinsuke Nakamura def. Baron Corbin via disqualification.
Five-Way Elimination Match for №1 Contender in SD Live Women’s Championship: Becky Lynch, Tamina Snuka, Natalya, Lana, Charlotte Flair
The champion enters and is glowing. It is simply thrilling. Naomi will be on commentary. This, too, will be thrilling. I am not feeling the glow, but I may be alone in this. Lots of people like this I am told.
As is normal, there is a lot of chaos and a lot of near-falls. I’m too many beers in to relay all of them. Some women slam some other women, some more or less dastardly than others, then attempt pin falls. We’ll pick back up when someone is eliminated. For fun, I’m predicting Charlotte Flair as the winner, but I have no more genitals left to wager, so this will have to be one of those good-faith wagers that don’t exist in real life.
Side note: Natalya’s sharpshooter looks like squatting, assy shit. I hate it. (Bret Hart rules).
Still no eliminations, but can we talk about this Orange Is The New Black prison thing that Tamina has going on with Lana?
Becky Lynch eliminates Tamina followed by Lana via Dis-Arm-Her, and is then eliminated by Natalya, basically because wrestling isn’t fun and Becky isn’t good enough to ever win anything except my heart.
Natalya and Charlotte engage, and Charlotte power bombs Natalya from like the height of the moon and then can’t get the pin. Charlotte is on another level from every other female wrestler. It’s basically insane. If she loses to Natalya, I’m going to eat my disembodied testicles.
…and Natalya pins Charlotte. Does anyone have any A1? I’m going to need to de-stink these things with flavor.
Natalya def. a bunch of cooler people to become the №1 contender to the SD Women’s Title.
Kevin Owens vs. AJ Styles for the United States Championship
Kevin Owens enters first, because he is not the champion and does not possess a belt. For the moment, things are as they should be. Although Kevin Owens is from Canada (Bret Hart rules), AJ Styles makes me weak in the knees. This dude has built himself into a legend in just over a year, and is my argument for best wrestler in the world (yes, even better than Kenny flippy-shit Omega, whom I love). AJ also has better hair than your mom did in 1999.
Kevin Owens starts the match strong, and when AJ counters, he takes a moment to think it over outside the ring. This match is my pick for match of the night, as these two are two of the top workers in the company. KO compliments anyone he’s in the ring with, and AJ is the best in the company. If this match doesn’t deliver, I will regurgitate my testicles slathered in A1 sauce, and then reattach them with staples to my wounded lower torso. This is all I will wager. I don’t prefer one man over the other, and though I like seeing a belt on AJ Styles, either man can and has elevated the importance of the U.S. title. Regardless of whether AJ retains or KO reclaims, I’d like to see the U.S. Open Challenge continue on SD Live. It’s just too good a gimmick.
I’m going to just have to check out for a few, because these dudes are putting on what may be the best match of the night (as expected). Unfortunately, it’s only good. It’s not insanely good, and that’s what’s crazy about the floor of these two guys — it’s higher than most people’s potential. This match could be a good albeit forgettable one, and it will still be one of the better matches on the card. I will not be eating my regurgitated testicles. Tonight, one safe bet will work out.
Owens and Styles trade submission attempts, only after Owens uses Styles as a projectile to damn near kill the referee, who recovers for six decades in the corner. Surprise! He awakens in time to count Styles down, and with that pin fall, exactly nothing I have wanted has happened. My entertainment is now strongly mirroring my unimpressive life of wrestle-blogging alone with Canadian (Bret Hart rules) beer.
Kevin Owens def. AJ Styles for the U.S. Championship.
The show cuts away to Jinder Mahal being praised by two freed child-minions from Temple of Doom. They say stuff in Punjabi (?). It is as inspiring as everything else Jinder does, like steroids (ba-ZOOM!).
We are then forced to suck John Cena propaganda through a straw, in a video package that reminds us why we almost stop watching wrestling, but can’t quite quit. I really want Rusev to win this match because patriotic speech isn’t doing it for me in the era of mouth-breathing Trumpkins. Go Bulgaria. Fucking-A.
John Cena vs. Rusev in a flag match
I’m a little unclear as to what constitutes a flag match. There are flags. A man must take his flag to a pre-determined location from whence the flag originated. There are no disqualifications and no count outs. And flags. Two of them. Let’s get this started.
Rusev starts the match flag-hungry, and pays for it. Cena repeatedly pulls him down, finally slamming him from the turnbuckle onto the canvas. Then, having learned nothing from Rusev’s fervor, Cena is likewise slammed his flag’s turnbuckle, and the conceit of this match is already tired.
Rusev is a big motherfucker.
Surprisingly, it’s good to have Cena back. I hate admitting that. I hate that WWE still needs Cena after having 15 years to groom a suitable replacement. It will be interesting in the next year to see who the company’s “top guy” will be, especially after they spend the last year ruining Seth Rollins and choking us with Roman Reigns, both of whom I like, and whose booking I completely disagree with.
Rusev is a big motherfucker.
So far, it seems like both men are trying to retrieve their flags from the respective poles from which they hang. Rusev is the first to take his flag down, and for his troubles, he receives a brutal drop kick to the chops. The flag of Bulgaria is now on the ground. Hairy women with large chests and broad shoulders are crossing themselves in the audience. The stars and bars still fly proudly and have not yet touched the ground. Semper Fi.
Cena lands the AA on Rusev. This means he will soon apply the STF. It is known.
He applies the STF as it was foretold. Since this is a flag match, Rusev tried to tap but wasn’t allowed to, so he temporarily passed out. John Cena used this opportunity to retrieve the stars and bars, and was then flattened by Rusev. The flag is now laying on the canvas, God help us. It will need to be incinerated. Flags are needlessly suffering.
Rusev hits Cena with stairs, which is perfectly legal in a flag match, and then picks his flag off the ground. Predictably, Cena grabs Rusev’s leg as he labors up the ramp with the 200 lb. flag that is clearly weighing him down.
Both men battle up the ramp and take turns beating each other just in front of the screen at gorilla position. Rusev has had enough of flags; after slamming Cena, he goes for the tables. The podiums that originally held the flags look like set pieces from a vacation bible school. There is nothing less hardcore.
Both combatants battle on the ramp, end up incapacitated, then crawl (believably) slowly back up the ramp, Cena carrying Old Glory as he battles his way towards the podium. Rusev then applies the Camel Clutch and gathers his flag. He is poised to plant his flag, when out of nowhere, Cena appears from behind the Bulgarian podium. Rusev. Couldn’t. See. Him.
This results, ultimately, in Cena predictably slamming Rusev through Rusev’s own tables. Cena plants the American flag in its podium and wins the match. Cena’s music fucking blares through the crowd. They are captivated as only hostages can be, but no one in surprised.
John Cena def. Rusev via…flag…plant?
Mike Kanellis vs. Sami Zayn
Mike Kanellis enters the arena with his wife Maria. The crowd reacts as if they are fully aware that this is the cool down match before the main event. I have no interest in watching the Muslim Woody Allen fight a Nazi tank commander in lipstick pants over a comedy of errors.
Some shit happens. Then, Mike catches a kiss from Maria and punches Sami with it. Sami sells like one admirable motherfucker, though he has no business doing so. This is like the infamous grenade spot. It is not my wrestling.
…but I’m still watching. Labatt Blue (Bret Hart rules) number four.
[I was away getting another beer. I bet they did some wrestling stuff. Can anyone really watch this while the Punjabi prison literally looms above the ring? I’m practically wet with the urine of anticipation]
Sami Zayn does a DDT. That move looks so much more brutal than it’s treated. If it was a good enough finisher for Jake The Snake, it’s a good enough finisher for anyone…except no one loses to it. What has happened to my wrestling?
Sami Zayn big boots Mike Kanellis and pins him. The crowd kinda hums Sami’s song.
[slippery fart noise]
Sami Zayn def. Mike Kanellis via pin fall.
Randy Orton vs. Jinder Mahal in Punjabi Prison Match for WWE Championship
Jinder Mahal enters first, because rules don’t matter anymore, and the unified belt means absolutely nothing. Perhaps less surprisingly, you can’t see shit in a Punjabi Prison Match, because there are two bamboo cages to see through.
Randy Orton enters second without a title and surveys the Punjabi Prison as only a snake can observe it: slowly and with his tongue (I made that last part up).
Both cages are lowered, and I can officially see dick. Even Orton’s near-perfect Adonis pose looks shitty through the bamboo hell in which they are trapped. I wonder if there are some match stipulations that are the product of backstage bets. “I bet they’ll still watch this shit, even if they can’t fucking see it.” I hope I’m making someone money.
Randy Orton is from St. Louis. St. Louis is a toilet.
Jinder Mahal is from…Punjab? Probably also a toilet. Weird how it’s not racist to call St. Louis a toilet.
I think my problem with this match stipulation is that it makes the wrestling ring the last place the wrestlers want to be. At least in other cage matches, the cage either has no doors, or totally encompasses the ring and has one door. In this match, there are limited doors, and they are open for a set amount of time before closing forever. This means that wrestling, the act we all paid to see, is secondary to escaping a bamboo cage, an act we were all morbidly curious about and now getting bored of.
One door is closed forever. Three doors remain. I want to go to bed.
Orton and Mahal wrestle against their better judgement, and the time of another door expires. Two doors remain. Two Labatt Blues (Bret Hart rules) remain.
Both men attempt to vertically avoid what we paid to see: wrestling. Those doors can get fucked. Let’s climb and only wrestle when we fall. They accidentally wrestle each other, until the Singh brothers pull Mahal from the closing door of the inner cage. Now Randy and Jinder will pretend that Jinder cannot climb one structure fast enough to escape Randy, who in kayfabe, has a hurt arm.
Randy catches him and throws him to the ground. This bamboo fight is lit.
The Singh brothers pull Randy from the cage. This match is no DQ, which means that Oompas are allowed. We have already learned what Oompas are good for, and that is being catapulted by large men head-first onto Spanish announce tables. There are no Spanish announce tables within the outer structure of the demonic Punjabi prison. We are forced to settle for Randy beating the Oompas with a kendo stick. It won’t save the card, but it’ll have to do.
And then the only thing that matters on the whole card happens: Randy punches an Oompa off the top of the Punjabi prison…that’s right…through an announce table. They don’t get it right often, but occasionally the WWE doesn’t hate its fans. Here’s where they remind us to not get spoiled and continue the shit parade. If only we could keep throwing Oompas off the top of the cage, that spot fifteen times without creating a lifeless husk. Sigh.
Body Count: 1 Oompa, 1 Randy’s arm, 16 Jinder’s back zits
Randy uses a steel chair to beat up the last of the Oompas within the structure, and then beats Jinder with said chair. He climbs with one arm halfway up the cage when…
…The Great Khali? Okay, this is batshit. It’s time to crush the whole sixer (Bret Hart rules).
Khali literally chokes the life out of Randy Orton, holding him suspended in the air through the cage. For those of you who are unfamiliar, The Great Khali is a big huge fucking man…but is he Punjabi? What, after all, is Punjabi? Vince McMahon may never know.
Jinder Mahal def. Randy Orton by escaping Punjabi Prison with the help of The Great Khali.
In Closing:
Push/Pull — which wrestlers are companies pushing? Which should they ease off of? Who should be the next to receive the push?
Jinder is getting the extended push that no one expected. I’m so far unimpressed with his matches. I’d like to see THE BELT wagered between the two brands at major PPVs, but that’s just my take. So, uh, pull Jinder. Push the only belt that matters.
Buy/Sell — what went totally right in a show. What was believable? What could the audience have done without? With more of?
Buying KO and AJ. I’d like this to be a longer program heading into Summerslam. Selling Corbin/Nakamura. Get them far, far away from each other. Their styles don’t mesh, and that match was clumsy and awkward and only served to make them both look worse than they are.
Bold predictions — what can we expect/hope for in future shows and pay-per-views?
I hope for anything but what tonight was. Shinsuke is being underutilized. The women’s division is consistently a joke. I hope to never see a Punjabi Prison match again. There have been three in WWE history. May there never be a fourth.
Why you should be watching — what was the most compelling moment of the night, not for wrestling fans, but to the casual observer, even skeptic?
This PPV was a general nightmare. It is the kind of PPV that I would be ashamed to show to a new viewer or an interested, casual fan. So many of the matches were nonsensical, so many were clumsy and awkward, and so many were hindered by their own stipulations. I can’t imagine much of a worse outcome than tonight’s PPV. There were enjoyable moments, but I honestly can’t recommend any of the PPV as a compelling watch for old or new fans. The peaks were decent, but the valleys were bottomless.
