What is your current state of mind?

The Proust Questionnaire

I knew a girl in high school who suffered from body dysmorphic disorder. She was staunchly convinced of her ugliness, to the point where she imagined disfigurements and blemishes. And while it was easy for all of her friends to point out that she was pretty, she didn’t feel that way. She was never as good looking as she imagined she could be.

These days, I’m constantly evaluating myself in the same way about everything. I don’t know when I became an apostle of the Church of Non-Stop Improvement, but I’ve had a good run so far. It’s great…except when it isn’t.

I’m not happy unless I’m unhappy. Whenever I manage to reach contentment and serenity, I get bored. My anxiety manifests as nervous ticks and gnashing of teeth. I inevitably find something to fix.

Change is good. The desire to be better is great. But sometimes I look out the corner of my eye and see what’s going on in the Land of Satisfied and Fulfilled, and they seem to be living the life I’ve been trying to reach. They’ve got self-esteem. They’re confident. They’re enjoying what is. They like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. And in a lot of cases, that’s better.

I’ve tried going over there before, but whenever I get close, a chasm opens up and the words come out. I’m not smart enough. I’m not funny enough. I’m not attractive enough.

I’m haunted by the idea of not being good enough.