Heaven’s Streets Overcrowded With Third-Party Voters
The righteous and holy third-party voters began flooding God’s Kingdom soon after the 2024 Election.
It’s official: Heaven has temporarily closed its gates following reports that its streets have become overcrowded with third-party voters.
The righteous and holy third-party voters began flooding God’s Kingdom soon after the 2024 Election. With spotless consciences, Saint Peter had no choice but to waive the unstained American souls through.
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“What can I say? They voted their conscience,” the first bishop of Rome told reporters. “They deserve their eternal reward.”
Eyewitnesses reported that many third-party voters in Zion could be seen partaking in an abundance of succulent foods and endless sex orgies. Some would also take breaks to watch the Earth burning below.
“If only everyone had voted for some weirdo candidate who aligned with them on every single issue in their life,” lamented one righteous third-party voter before returning to oral pleasure.
A VIP line for third-party saints is currently being considered in order to usher the virtuous masses into Heaven more…
