HIMTN: How I Met The Narcissists
An awakening journey of a “Supply”
Unfortunately, this is not a feel-good story about a young and eligible bachelor finding his soulmate! In contrast to the well-known American sitcom HIMYM, where the main character goes through years of struggle and a series of unsuccessful relationships before eventually meeting “the mother” of his children, this story is about my close friend Rob (not his real name) and his struggle to break free from a painful cycle — constantly finding himself involved with narcissistic individuals, one after the other.
Imagine a life where every close relationship of yours, whether romantic or platonic, is with someone who exhibits strong narcissistic traits. Sounds agonizing, right? Well, that had been Rob’s reality until his therapist asked him one basic question: “Have you ever wondered how you met them for the first time?”
Before we delve into the pivotal question that changed Rob’s life, let’s first skim through a few chapters of his social and romantic life leading up to the moment the question was posed. I will provide a spoiler alert — there are indeed certain parallels between Ted Mosby’s journey and Rob’s. For instance, both of them encountered numerous “wrongs” before discovering what or who was “right” for them. However, unlike Ted, Rob didn’t have the luxury of waiting for the universe to bring him the perfect match at the perfect time and place.
When life throws narcissists at you, one after another, you must proactively learn to know your way around them, while you continue to heal from the traumas of the past relationships.
Rob’s first girlfriend was a narcissist. At the time, he had no idea what a narcissist was and was unfamiliar with the word that was so hard to pronounce. However, he was mature enough to sense that the relationship was toxic. While it’s impossible to say for certain if his girlfriend had Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), she seemed to have a strong narcissistic flavor, from what we know from Rob’s descriptions of her today. This was a college romance that blossomed in the summer of 2007 when Rob was a 21-year-old student. The relationship lasted about two years, and after it ended, Rob went through the typical process of getting over an ex and thought, “This is it! Lessons learned. Now it’s time to move on!” Little did he know at that time that it was just the beginning of a long, distressing journey of repeatedly falling for narcissists for more than a decade.
Now cut to an evening in the summer of 2021: Rob was having a reunion with a guy called Nick (name changed), who for Rob, until then, was the closest fit to the definition of a “best friend”. They first met in the first year of the university, just two years before Rob met his first love. Their friendship grew during the four years of Uni and by the time they graduated, their peers saw them as two inseparable brothers.
The evening was going great until Rob suggested that they should split the bill as they were closing the tab at the Irish pub they were hanging out in. Nick didn’t seem to like the idea of discussing money and ended up paying the bill while Rob was in the restroom. When Rob returned, Nick expressed his disappointment by saying, “You’re not just some random guy from my work, you’re like my younger brother. We share a different kind of bond! The kind that doesn’t allow room for petty things like who pays the bill!!” At first, Rob understood Nick’s reaction. After all, they hadn’t seen each other for eleven years, and Nick had flown thousands of miles just to visit Rob. Rob thought to himself, “Why should anyone in their right mind ruin such a special occasion by mentioning money?” So, he tried to lighten the mood with a joke, but his friend didn’t seem to calm down. Nick continued expressing his dissatisfaction with Rob’s hospitality in general.
As things escalated, Rob did what he usually does in such situations — he explained. “Maybe I got too used to the local culture. Over here, it’s absolutely normal to discuss the bill,” explained Rob. To his surprise, this further fueled his friend’s fury. “I can see that! You’re neither like them nor like us anymore. You’re stuck in the middle. You’re an identity-less bastard!” Rob didn’t know how to react to that. But Nick didn’t stop there. He went on a mission to attack Rob’s vulnerabilities, weaponizing all the secrets, fears, worries, and weaknesses Rob had shared with him over the years. An overwhelming mixture of shock, anger, and sadness fogged Rob’s brain. He uttered the only words he could think of in that state of mind, “Let’s call it a night!”
During the pandemic, Rob had ample time to reflect on his life. He realized that he was often drawn to narcissistic individuals and identified certain traits in his own personality that seemed to attract narcissists to him, making him an ideal “supply” for them. By that time, he had carefully examined each of his past relationships with narcissistic people and had cut ties with almost all of them, except for his narcissistic mother, who was likely the root cause of what he called his “chronic supply syndrome.” Rob took pride in his ability to recognize narcissists, even in their most subtle forms. At 35, he was confident and well-informed, having gained extensive knowledge in human psychology over the years. He was ready to embark on a journey of healing and form new, meaningful relationships with genuine and empathetic individuals.
This newfound confidence didn’t last very long though. Rob’s world was shattered when Nick lashed out at him that summer. In the aftermath, Rob spent weeks reflecting on the events of that night and delving into their shared university memories. As he pondered, Rob began to notice alarming traits in Nick that echoed those of a narcissist. This realization prompted Rob to reevaluate his past interactions. He realized that he had confided in Nick, sharing personal struggles and details about his life, only to now suspect that Nick too might exhibit narcissistic behavior. This revelation left Rob feeling disheartened, as all the knowledge he had gained from books, articles, and videos on narcissism seemed insufficient in this situation.
Rob was starting to question whether he consistently ended up with narcissistic people, or if he simply interpreted everyone through that lens due to past experiences. He wondered if his previous relationships had left him so traumatized that he now only saw narcissistic traits in everyone, even though we all have some degree of narcissism within us.
Rob’s doubts about his sanity grew when a similar incident occurred in the winter of 2022. Rob’s closest friend from high school days, Tim, who he hadn’t seen in years, visited Rob and became aggressive after a night of drinking over a minor issue. This led to a conflict, bringing up feelings of envy and grudges that Tim had held against Rob for years. The striking resemblance of this incident to the one with Nick made Rob question his perception of reality, wondering if he had been the problem all along.
The final straw came when Rob started a new job in the spring of 2023. That’s when he began to suspect that his new boss might be a narcissist too. Gradually, suspicion turned into a firm belief, causing Rob to seriously question himself. He hadn’t signed up to work for an individual; he had chosen a company. And yet, here he was dealing with another narcissist, this time in his professional life. “This can’t be true,” Rob thought to himself. After all, there’s no medical term called “chronic supply syndrome”! It was something he had made up.
Cut to January 2024: It was Rob’s tenth session with Agata, his new therapist. In the previous nine sessions, Agata had gained a good understanding of Rob’s life story from childhood to the present. Rob had shared with her a list of people he considered to be narcissists in his life. This list included his mother, his high school friend Tim, his former best friend Nick, his first love, a PhD student who used to be his neighbor, a self-proclaimed “best friend” he met at a bar in Prague, an ultra-intellectual gentleman from his time in Berlin, his last girlfriend from 2019, and a stand-up comedian he recently blocked on WhatsApp. Agata had learned about all of these individuals from Rob.
“Today is judgment day,” Rob thought to himself. Finally, the day had come when Rob would find out if he had a unique condition or if he was just seeing narcissists everywhere. To Rob’s surprise, Agata did not produce any diagnosis. Instead, she went on with her regular routine of beginning the session by following up on the small homework she had given Rob in the previous session. It was a task for Rob to find out what was the one common thing among all of the people in Rob’s life who he claimed to be narcissists.
“So, Rob, have you noticed anything that all these people have in common?” asked Agata with her usual cheerful tone. “Well, besides the fact that they all seem to be narcissists, I can’t think of anything else that applies to all of them,” Rob replied. After all, these were different individuals from different age groups, ethnicities, genders, and professions who entered Rob’s life during different phases of it. “Rob, as I’ve mentioned before, we can’t diagnose these people. So, apart from the fact that you notice strong narcissistic traits in them, what is the one basic thing that is so common in them?” Rob took a moment and said, “No, I can’t think of anything else!”. Agata leaned forward in her therapist’s chair and asked the question that changed Rob’s life, “Have you ever wondered how you met them for the first time?”
At first, Rob didn’t notice any patterns in how he encountered different individuals whom he believed were narcissists. However, over time, he realized that, apart from his mother, all these individuals had taken the initiative to enter his life. For example, the man he met in Prague persistently tried to befriend him after approaching him at their regular pub, despite Rob’s initial lack of interest. Nick invited Rob for a drink after knowing each other through common friends for a semester. The ultra-intellectual man he met in Berlin actively worked to include Rob in his circle after months of knowing each other, making it appear natural. Rob was so impressed by this man that he didn’t realize he was falling into a trap specifically designed for him. Similarly, when he met his first love, whom he initially thought was out of his league, he felt euphoric and proud to have caught the attention of someone who was admired by half the boys in the college, failing to realize that she saw in him the qualities of an ideal supply, as they chatted for months on Orkut before meeting in person. It was becoming clear to Rob that the narcissists in his life had chosen him as their “supply” after spending ample time assessing him, even though some of them made the growth of their relationship seem very organic.
Now, you might be wondering, ‘Alright, we understand, Rob isn’t crazy. He actually fell into the traps set by narcissists who saw him as their next target (supply). But what about his new boss?’ Well, there’s no secret there either. His boss was the person who selected Rob’s CV and conducted the first two rounds of interviews with him. So… yeah, same pattern!
Present Day: Rob is currently enjoying his summer vacation in Croatia as I am typing this sentence. Has he become an entirely changed person? No, of course not! Healing is a lengthy process, particularly when you have been affected by a series of narcissistic relationships. Is he better prepared for the road ahead? Absolutely! He still encounters these soul-sucking individuals, but now Rob doesn’t doubt his sanity when he smells narcissism. Instead, he follows one golden rule, that he learned from a wise man on YouTube, “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then more often than not, it’s a fucking duck!”
