This article is shorter than Smilew’s penis

Medium Audio Narration Should Be Available While Editing, You Bastards.

The narration here is a damn game changer

Frank T Bird
The Pub
Published in
3 min readMar 17


Prince Harry
Ed Sheeran (wiki)

His name is Harry

But I call him Harry the English pudding.

It’s his voice that I hear most of your damn stories in, okay? Not that I read anyone’s stories except my own.

I’m a literary egomaniac. Get used to it.

I miss Alan Rickman, and Harry the English pudding sounds exactly like Alan Rockman — which is nothing like Alan Rickman.

How long before I’m hearing your stories bread by Alan Rickman? I mean, read by Alan Rickman? Or Sly Stallone? Or that Adolf guy who loved a crack at the meth but took it a bit too far?

I enjoy having Harry read to me.

Sometimes I imagine he is wearing lingerie and lipstick.

At first, I listened at regular speed. Then I crept it up to 1.3, 1.5, 1.7–1.8. Listening at 1.8 speed feels fast, like Harry has had one too many large almond cappuccinos.

1.6 speed feels good now.

And I like it because it means I can listen to my own stories at 1.6 x the normal speed, increasing my productivity like some oiled-up entrepreneur who has meetings all day.

Now when I listen at normal speed, it sounds like Harry the English pudding has gotten a butt full of MDMA, and that shit is soaking into the wall of his lower intestine.

I have been publishing unlisted articles so I can get Harry to read my story back to me for the purpose of editing

This is a rather tremendous tool for any writer. I know that because a man from Vagina told me about it. That’s right, Vagina is a country, and women’s vaginas are named after the country Vagina. Their national anthem goes:

Oh, Vagina, my sacred home

Oh, Vagina, wherever I roam,

You will always be in my heart

I wish we would never part

Oh, Vagina, I love you so.

I share an office with my wife, and she must have gotten sick of me reading my madness out loud. But y’all know it has to be done when you’re editing because it’s the only way to understand how it flows.

But now I don’t have to read aloud. Now I get Harry working for his electrical supper instead.

I only wish Medium would make Harry available before publishing. As an editing tool, it’s solid gold, but I don’t want to publish before I can have Harry read my shit.

How about we get Harry reading our drafts instead?

Somebody should think about suggesting that to the fuckers upstairs.

That’s it.



Frank T Bird
The Pub

Indie writer of unique psychological fiction based in Melbourne, Australia.