DELUDED CUSTODIANS DESERVE HOLIDAYS TOO, YOU KNOW.

Welcome to Regatta Day. Hobart, Tasmania.

Yes, it’s a Public Holiday about boats.

One of those cute wooden boats. I really should have cleaned the blood off the lens first. By the author.

Australians are renowned for their ridiculous public holidays. Holidays for horse races, holidays for boats, holidays simply for the sake of having a holiday.

But today is an extra special Regatta Day.

Queen Raine of the Southern Hemisphere (AKA Raine Lore) will be in attendance to review the Sail By and to oversee the public executions.

I’ve been sharpened my guillotine for weeks and I can’t wait to offer the crowd a colourful spectacle. It’s how I earned my nickname Robert “The Guillotine” Gowty.

It looks like the day is off to a bristling start with the first public execution.

Up first, Grimsby Hackney, for crimes against literature. Queen Raine sits atop the podium and a tense hush falls over the crowd as they await her decision. Thumbs up or thumbs down?

This is going to be a thumbs down for sure.

Wait, what’s happening? There’s a minor kerfuffle at the base of the podium as Annie Trevaskis pushes through the crowd to mount the podium. She whispers something in the Queen’s ear and pulls out her phone.