IT’S SATIRE (BUT ONLY IF YOU LAUGH)

Why I Always Board With 3 Bags

And eleven other items from my pre-flight checklist

Me, before I was enlightened by the ways of anarchy. Photo by Thomas Ronveaux from Pexels.

“You must be tired from traveling all day,” she says without a question mark.

I smile and nod while drafting a contrarian listicle in my head.

(Note to editor: Backstory and personal credibility have been established.)

Unsurprisingly, every article I read in an attempt to master the art of flying mindfully, i.e. not losing your mind mid-air, asked me to fight the problem.

Grab a neck pillow, pack your noise-canceling headphones, and antacids in the outer sleeve of your backpack. And hope. Hope for the aviation industry to invest in clocks, for food to be edible, and for babies to not cry.

I tried. I diminished my expectations, paid for roomier seats, and rehearsed my resting indifferent face. And it worked. In part. But that’s the thing with stimulating situations, they expand and occupy available space. If you’ve reduced a problem by 20%, you’ll promptly forget it and fixate on the rest.

In the darkest nights, while living underground, arose the obvious solution.

Would you rather nurse a headache for five hours or would you choose to become the…