The Dynamics of Postnatal Depression and Friendship
I think it’s safe to say at some point in our lives we’ve all looked at our friends that are mothers and thought about how they’re just like superheroes. They manage the impossible task of trying to balance raising a baby and taking care of themselves too. Although being a mother can be a beautiful thing, sometimes the challenges can get to be too much, and that’s when we as their friends need to step up. Postnatal depression affects more than 1 in 7 new mums, and research indicates the main people these mums turn to for support are friends or family. So, to better understand why our friendship is so crucial to mums in times like these, I sat down with a mother that has experienced postnatal depression to find out more about how her friends made a difference. It may only be one perspective on a very complicated issue, but it’s important to remember that even though our friends with new babies may be busy, it doesn’t mean they don’t need us.
1. I’ll make sure to keep out any identifying information, but could you tell me a little bit about yourself?
Of course! I’m a 45 year old mother of two. Currently my little girl is 10 and my boy is 12 years old. My husband and I are both Australian but we’ve been really lucky to live all over the world with our family.
2. Did you always see yourself becoming a mother or was that something that came with time?
Gosh no! No I never thought I was maternal at all and I’d never thought about kids but when I met [my husband] … I don’t know it just all fell into place and all of a sudden I did want a family.
3. Did you always want two kids or was that something else you figured out along the way?
We always said that if we were going to have one we had to have two. I think we just thought it’d be nice if we had more than one.
4. How would you describe your experience of having kids and your transition into motherhood?
Transitioning into motherhood… no I found it very difficult. My first baby I was just off the planet. I had no idea what I was doing, I thought it would all come naturally but it did not so I had to work very hard at it. It was almost funny how I went from running a whole finance department to being unable to handle this one, tiny baby. Eventually things sort of fell into place but it took a couple of months before it happened for me. I just — I had no idea what I was doing and I had no idea of what I was getting myself into. I wasn’t prepared really. I also found that my second baby was a little easier in that I knew what to expect, but I feel like having her was a lot harder mentally.
5. What do you think made having your second baby harder then?
My husband was constantly travelling — he basically travelled three out of four weeks so he was away all the time so I was kind of just on my own. And a new country with two kids and with no support network is what made it a lot harder and you know it’s normal to have days when you’re crying and everything but by the time my second baby was about four months old I was really finding I wasn’t coping. I was crying a lot more and I was second guessing myself from wondering if I was actually doing all the right things even though the baby was perfectly thriving and seemed quite happy … I just had lost my own confidence in myself and what I was doing. Some of the friends that I knew had noticed that as well and that’s when they suggested that I talk to the community nurse about [postnatal depression].
6. So it was your friends that encouraged you to seek help?
Well like I said the ones that were mums themselves kept an eye on me and they were really supportive. They kind of helped me realise what I was dealing with wasn’t normal and encouraged me to talk to someone.
7. Had you ever heard of postpartum or postnatal depression before?
Yes, I had heard of postnatal depression before. It’s mentioned in a few parenting books that I had read but it wasn’t really delved into. They talked more about baby blues than they did about postnatal depression so it seemed to be something that not everyone really wanted to talk about. I guess it just sort of seemed like something that wasn’t common or didn’t really happen so I didn’t think too much of it. It just never seemed like something I would have to deal with.
8. I can imagine it’s still a hard thing to talk about, but would you feel comfortable telling me about it? What you felt, how some things about yourself that might have changed?
I think the biggest change was like I said how anxious I was. My baby looked healthy and happy, but I couldn’t stop worrying about if I was doing things right. Even just simple things like feeding I was so stressed that somehow it was wrong. I’m normally quite a confident and self assured person so to feel so out of control and think that it must be normal and not knowing how to stop it was hard.
9. Did many people know you were dealing with depression at the time?
Yes, there were a couple friends that knew I was dealing with depression. After I spoke with the community nurse she agreed with me that things weren’t okay and what I was feeling wasn’t just part of being a mother so I went to a doctor and actually went on medication. And I was on the medication for about 7 months.
10. How did they react?
I felt once I had mentioned it to my friends because they knew what I was dealing with they were very helpful, they were very supportive. We organised a lot more playdates so that I was getting out and about and they’d have me over for cups of tea. They were very, very supportive and because a lot of them were older mothers I think they were certainly very aware of how hard postpartum depression can be.
11. Were there any differences in the way friends with kids versus friends without kids approached things with you?
Like I said my friends that were older mums really took me under their wings and helped me along. The friends I had without kids … you know they still called me to check in and we’d have tea but I don’t think it was quite the same. I think they sort of knew something was wrong and tried to bring it up but didn’t know how and I just brushed it off as mum stress anyway. The mums just understood more what was happening I think and that made me feel supported you know? Like they got it. That sort of thing.
12. Do you think it’s safe to say your friends played a role in helping you heal and recover?
My friends played a humongous role in helping me recover. In keeping me busy, inviting me over, being supportive … getting me to talk about things if I was feeling overwhelmed and they would organise all sorts of outings as well during the week knowing that my husband was away and so no they were very, very good with that. I don’t really know what I would’ve done without them. It’s scary to think
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Postnatal or postpartum depression can take on many forms. Not everyone will have the same experience; but what is undoubtably the same is the importance of a strong support network. Even if some of us have never experienced postnatal depression, it’s important for the sake of our friends that we try to understand it so we can be there for them when they need us the most. You can even find some great general information about postpartum depression here.
