Plastic Christmas confetti. Really?
Plastic doesn’t have to replace everything fun and organic in our lives.
Is there a prize out there for proving that anything can be made out of plastic, regardless of the consequences?
I can’t think of a good reason why someone would make something as cheerful, commonplace and environmentally-benign as confetti out of jagged pieces of polyvinyl chloride.
But go online and you can find Christmas-themed confetti made from the same stuff used in pipes, window frames, credit cards and other things intended to last for a long, long time — not for a single, ephemeral moment.
It’s also the stuff that you find in dead sea turtles and whales washed ashore, in ocean plankton, and ultimately, in us.
If you think about it, the entire concept of “plastic confetti” is an oxymoron.
The word “confetti” is the Italian word for “small sweets,” which — like rice at weddings — have been tossed at celebrations for millennia. Much to the dismay of birds and rodents who feasted on them, sweets and grains have recently been replaced by paper. But while it’s annoying to sweep up such confetti, at least paper is biodegradable.
The same can’t be said for the plastic stuff. As far as I know, it doesn’t meet any recommended dietary standards. And it’s biodegradable only if you’re willing to wait thousands of years.
Nonetheless, you can buy a pack of 4,800 (!) pieces for the low, low price of $8.99, plus shipping. You can get such seasonal designs as “Santa wearing a gift bag,” “silver running elk,” and “golden pentagram.”
Maybe the public really does want reusable Christmas trees the size of a fingernail.
And some people might get a little extra emotional satisfaction knowing that the confetti falling from above or popping out from a Christmas card can now be easily shaped to fit the season.
But I, for one, tend not to notice such characteristics when trying to rake the stuff out of my hair or pry it out of my carpet and floor cracks.
Plastic confetti also has the marvelous property of being small enough to be swallowed by creatures both great and small. There’s no need to wait for hundreds of years of erosion to turn it into deadly microbeads.
Amazon does offer the potential buyer a “warm tip”: “Please keep them far away from kids.” That shouldn’t be a problem, since kids are well-known for disliking glitter, Lego pieces, little stickers and other confetti-like objects.
Please keep them far away from adults, too. Do you think that Tom Brady and LeBron James want plastic chips raining down on them following their next championship win? Or that it’s a good idea that those little New Year’s Eve party poppers will be shooting hard, barbed “Happy 2019” letters at you?
What’s the fun and joy in that?
Keep that in mind when buying your holiday decorations and party favors in the next few weeks.
Your vacuum cleaner will thank you. Your pediatrician will thank you. And last but not least, Mother Nature will thank you.
