940, 1117, 30, 19, 370, 1647

Today wasn’t one of my best. I’ve been stuck and panicking at the same time. I’m standing at a precipice and my legs are being pulled apart just a bit more every day…but today was a bad one. I thought I might fall into that pit that waits for me.

My doctor calls it depression, and then, again, sometimes he calls it a symptom of PTSD. So, it’s hard to put into words how being stuck feels. I can say that I want to run with no direction and no intention of reaching a destination. I want to scream at the top of my lungs over and over until something breaks loose. Maybe I will just sit here in silence all night long until I fall over and finally sleep.

Today wasn’t one of my best, and maybe tomorrow won’t be any better. Heaven forbid it’s any worse. I think, yes, I hope that it will be better. In fact, I pray and speak out loud that tomorrow will break the ice surrounding my fingers and I will be able to use those to pull the chains from around my arms and the shackles from my legs. Yes, tomorrow could be better.

But today wasn’t one of my best. I watched the church across the street as the billboard announced another special Wednesday night service. I watched a squirrel wiggle up the tree beside the front porch. My cat licked my face and I smiled. A sliver of happiness crawled across my heart then disappeared again into the darkness of my belly.