The Unnecessarily Grandiloquent Font Review — Mabry by Colophon Foundry

Mabry is a demure foreign girl who sits a few seats away from you in class. You know she has more qualities that she’d care to reveal, but for some reason, you are too scared to approach her, so you simply stare from afar. Every three minutes. Wistfully. You keep her in your peripheral vision.

Mabry is the chocolate they show in advertisements where there’s a closeup of a girl’s full lips with a chocolate-covered tongue. Warm, gooey treacle. It’s a wee bit hot to take it all in at once, instead you swirl it in your mouth, taking in the eight different notes of flavoured honey.

The long winding mountain road you wish didn’t end. The wind is in your hair, its a bright summer’s day, but not hot. You are on auto-pilot, cruising, but not speeding— but fast enough for it to be thrilling, with the sheer cliff just off the road shoulder. And deep down you’re wishing the view doesn’t change, and the road was endless. But it isn’t. It ends with the next turn.

Her curves are sweeping, yet in control, like a Olympic figure-skater’s tripl— nay, quadruple Salchow. In slow-motion— when you’ve just taken a long drag of some prime Maui Wowie. Mabry is that fancy exotic dish you tried once on your trip to Madagascar. Delicious, but just cannot recall the name of. You absolutely must taste it after that long puff— but cannot. Sorry.

So, back to the demure girl in class— you see her drag a hapless, scared, and speechless junior behind the bleachers. You narrow your brows. Then your jaw drops, Mabry has just sunk her J-hook into the junior’s chest and ripped his heart out. And licks the blood as she makes eye-contact with you from across the field. Again, in slow-motion. Somehow, the kid is still alive. And smiling.

She’s the story you tell you grandchildren on a cold wintry night.

Mabry. Whattagal.

The Unnecessarily Grandiloquent Font Review is a series of, well, font reviews with a dollop of exaggeration. This is the first of many. Stay tuned!

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