“Drive Away Dolls” is a Trip That Goes Nowhere
This article contains spoilers. Reader discretion is advised.
When a film teases me with Margaret Qualley as a devil-may-care lesbian, I expect it to be, if not good, then fun. Drive Away Dolls was, unfortunately, neither good nor fun.
Directed by Ethan Coen — one half of the critically acclaimed Coen Brothers, an American filmmaking duo responsible for The Big Lebowski (1998), O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000), Hail, Caesar! (2016), and more — Drive Away Dolls was originally slated to be released Sept. 22, but it was moved to February because of the SAG-AFTRA strikes that occurred last year. Clearly, the ongoing strikes weren’t the only reason why the film was delayed.
The film follows friends Jamie (Qualley) and Marian (Geraldine Viswanathan) as they embark on an impromptu road trip to Tallahassee in a driveaway car. Unbeknownst to the two lesbian friends, the car they rented was meant for criminals and contains a briefcase of silicone dildos — supposedly models of Senator Channel’s (Matt Damon) and other in-universe high-ranking officials’ — and the sawed off head of Pedro Pascal — who’s character (whatever his name is) possessed the dildos at the beginning of the film (for some reason that is unclear) — in a hatbox. On their way to Tallahassee, Jamie and Marian make a couple of pit stops to have some good old fashioned lesbian sex (not with each other, but with a lesbian soccer team), all whilst being chased by the criminals.
If you’re confused by that synopsis, don’t worry, as am I. And I sat through the entire goddamn movie.
The film is a masterclass in throwing a dart at a wall and missing the target entirely. Instead, the dart flies out the window, bounced off a drain pipe, and gets stuck to the rear of a moving vehicle before finally landing on top of a discarded pile of trashy lesbian porn magazines. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how Drive Away Dolls genuinely came to be.
It is clear from the first few minutes of the film that Coen’s primary driving force for making Drive Away Dolls was to watch Qualley perform and receive cunnilingus every five minutes. What’s worse is that the sex scenes are neither well choreographed nor effective in any way.
“Oh, Mey, you’re making him seem like a pervert!”
Maybe he is! Goddammit, Miley Cyrus had a psychedelic yet totally unnecessary — not to mention, runtime consuming — cameo, and all she did was ride some random guy. And not even well or believably.
The issue is not that the film is unrealized. The issue stems from the fact that there is nothing to realize. Thus, the entire film is punished for this negligence. The tone — although it aims to be comedic — is dull and nearly monotone. The pacing is all over the place; there’s no rhythm, nothing to grab hold of. And the editing style resembles that of a fifth grader’s first ever Powerpoint presentation.
The only bright spot in this otherwise vacuous film is Qualley. Her performance as a slightly dimwitted, horny, exhibitionist lesbian really cements in my mind that she is one of the most versatile actresses of her generation. And her seemingly endless supply of muscle tanks is to die for.
Unfortunately, Qualley’s muscle tanks aren’t enough to redeem Drive Away Dolls. The entire film — and every single cast member — is lost, unsure of what is going on and not particularly pleased with what can be understood.
Drive Away Dolls is now playing in theaters. But if you must watch it, wait until it comes to streaming.
Photo Courtesy of The New York Times.
