The Quarterly Check Up: NOLA
Welcome to The Quarterly Check Up. This blog platform is simple. It’s a community where we value marriage and communication so much that we are willing to commit to intentionally diving deep into our marriage 4 times a year. We take trips, ask hard questions, follow the Holy Spirit, become more self aware, and try to out serve one another.
It’s easy to live in the rut of life. Having a 9 month old and reoccurring events on the calendar takes a toll on a marriage. The constant pull of having to get stuff done compromises the foundation of marriage.
Is our marriage in trouble? Not really, we just needed to get away. It’s been over 9 months since we really got deep in conversation and topics that are fundamental to our marriage and growth. It’s better than waiting 9 years. I knew when I booked the train tickets this type of trip needs to be a regular thing for us, and that was before we even went on our trip. I just knew. I admit, I had high expectations for our trip and that can be dangerous sometimes because reality doesn’t always meet the expectations we have.
Two months ago I knew we needed to get away, so I booked train tickets to New Orleans and 3 nights in a hotel. We kept talking about our trip in preparation knowing we needed it and looking forward to just working on “us.” The train ride alone was eight and a half hours so having conversation and focusing on the things we need to deal with wasn’t hard. What was hard was not getting pulled away from each other by the wonderful strangers we just met on the train. We ate lunch with them and talked to them, we even set up blind dates with friends with them. The world gets a lot smaller on an Amtrak train.
You don’t take a train to save time. You take a train to savor it. I value efficiency and Melissa values savoring the moment. I knew we needed to take the train because of that.
We had dinner at Antoine’s one night, a restaurant that has been open for 176 years, and Melissa cried a handful of times. There were sad tears and happy tears, but as our waiter Joey had to notice we turned things around quite nicely towards the end of the dinner. We realized real fast a lot of our struggle recently came from a place of differing values when it comes to time. I value efficiency and Melissa values quality time. It is a simple concept, but it wasn’t until we started unpacking our feelings that we started to simplify things by communicating through it.
My love language=acts of service (efficient).
Her love language=quality time (savoring).
I’m at my best when I don’t feel pressured. Pressured for time or pressured for anything really. I tend to freak out a bit. I value being on time, ordering fast, eating fast, driving fast, packing fast, and just about everything fast. Melissa feels the opposite. That’s why opposites attract, right? Well as we get older and add other humans to our family unit things get a little more difficult because life’s fulcrum is time. We literally just don’t have time to do much of the things we once cherished. Times of constraint may cause pressure, but it also allows us to edit our lives. The name of the game is to streamline, prioritize, evaluate, communicate, collaborate, and more importantly become more self aware as to not hurt the one you love. If not, the only one around I seem to take my frustration out on is Melissa, and that’s good for no one especially Anderson when he gets older and more aware.
I often times come home frustrated, mentally and spiritually drained from the day because I gave it my all for the people I work around. I leave the scraps for Melissa and Anderson. Scraps for the family? What kind of legacy would I leave if I just left my scraps for my family? We aren’t called to leave scraps, we are called to love and give our best at home so we can lead through our family but most importantly our marriage. We first must lead through Christ’s love he has for us and then through our marriage.
Step 1: Love and lead through Christ
Step 2: Love and lead through Marriage or (singleness)
Step 3: Love and lead through others…
To leave a lasting legacy this order must be followed. There are no exceptions to this rule. If the order is broken, then we will continue to lead from a broken place. A place that wasn’t designed for us and a place where pride runs rampant.
