Ping’s Sermon — March 2018

Once upon a time, in a land far far away from optimism and hope, lived a king who had all that he wished — dissatisfied subjects, unsurmountable debts, empty treasuries, you name it.

Except one thing.

| While him and his queen formed a lovely pair, all they lacked was the throne’s heir.

| They tried and tried but found despair, the king’s quest for an heir depleted his lungs of all air.

| One day the king could take it no more. He went and knocked on the witch’s door.

| Kneeling on the grimy floor, he prayed for an heir with a devil’s core.

| The witch began by tolling a bell, then went on to chant a spell

| At last her cottage’s floor did swell, Out popped a boy from the depths of hell.

| The witch exclaimed “Rejoice dear king!”, “Pessimism and gloom your child shall bring”

| “Prepare the crows and ravens to sing”, “Behold your new crown prince — Ping!”

Thus concluded my christening. This four letter word is more than just a name for me. This is a manifestation of my father’s yearning for me. For decades this name was as synonymous with despondence as “Kareja mein sama ja” is with “Ae Raja Raja Raja”. You just couldn’t separate the two.

And then came the age of smartphones. And the pings that they brought with them.

Before I knew it, the once mighty “He who must not be named” Ping had become the everyday “Ping me on Snapchat”. It took the Apples and Samsungs of the world just a couple of years to uproot the ubiquity of my everlasting moniker and in my humble opinion, you, my dear subjects are the ones to blame.

How difficult was it to resist the urge of joining a group of self-conscious half-wits on a color-blind dropout’s blue website where intellectually challenged people tag their intellectually challenged “friends” in intellectually challenged memes? What good came upon you by writing “NoT yEt WoRkInG sTiLl StUdYiNg!” under the occupation section?

How difficult was it to resist jumping on the bandwagon of people ditching their trusty old SMSs and moving on towards the green chat app inundated by good morning messages, messages with names of movies disguised as emojis, messages that ask you to forward a picture on half a million groups lest every disease known to mankind befall you and your family?

How difficult is it to not use an application that distorts your face in every way imaginable, adorns you with a dog’s ears and tongue, changes your deep hunky baritone into a timid squeak and then sends the catastrophic spectacle to everyone you know? And while I do respect your privacy and confidentiality from the chilly depths of my frozen heart, you must realise that your plans for tomorrow’s dinner aren’t the nuclear codes that must be deleted from the face of the Earth as soon as they are read by the recipient.

How difficult was it to prevent signing up for a platform which people utilize to justify that the complex and convoluted pose that they are striking in the picture was indeed a candid shot and the forty-five minutes of cosmetic enhancements followed by the software based image beautification is just the plain jane inherited beauty and a touch of Vicco Turmeric?

Congratulations dear readers. You have successfully become slaves of your smartphones.

| Everytime you hear your smartphone ping

| Or hear that familiar cellular ring

| Your heart beats fast but you can’t control that thing

| Did you get a new like on that pic at Burger King?

| “Has Deepika been caught in a new fling?”

| “OMG it must be that pic with Ranveer Singh!”

| If only you had escaped this string

| Of peer pressure and its endless suffering.

| You would have escaped this guilt’s sting

| And long would have lived the negativity of Ping.

-Patient of Intense Nihilism and Gloominess

a.k.a. PING