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The Queue

Ah, just before things went very, very, very downhill.

Riverdale: But Where’s This All Going? And Where the Hell Is Kevin?

Season 2, Episode 8

Episode Overview in Haiku Form

Y’all know I dig a haiku:

The 5X5

This section breaks down the top five things you need to know from this episode:

  • Varchie was doing the nasty all day, every day. Things were looking hot with a side of extra steamy until Archie decided to drop the fated “L” word and freaked out Veronica. Ah, young love. And apparently producers wanted us to see a lot of KJ Apa shirtless, because I’m pretty sure his six-pack took up 80% of the airtime in this episode.
  • We had a GREAT episode in terms of the murder mystery/Black Hood subplot. And as I predicted last week, janitor Svenson is a bigger part of this storyline than he would initially seem. And I still think writers are hiding some shit from us. I’m bracing myself for anything remotely close to a “child murdered his entire family” reveal.
  • Jughead can apparently quote Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Masque of the Red Death” by heart but can’t seem to figure out why his father shouldn’t rejoin a gang. This kid, folks. I can’t.
  • Meanwhile, Alice Cooper and FP Jones were basically making babies with the amount of sexual tension in this episode. Wheeeeeeew.

Camila Mendes Eyebrows Update

Camila Mendes gave us a backseat-of-a-limo cry worthy of The Bachelor, and her eyebrows were on point while doing it.

The Most Interesting Thing Archie Did in This Episode

Archie and Veronica laying out on a fur rug covered by a fur blanket next to a a gigantic fireplace was both bougie as hell and the aesthetic I aim for.

Artsy White Fuckboy Jughead Line of the Week

I didn’t have to go far for this week’s Artsy White Fuckboy Jughead line this week, because here’s how he literally opened the episode: “Like the Red Death showing up in an Edgar Allen Poe story…”

Pretentious Film Observation of the Week

I took exactly one film class in college during my freshman year and I’m trying to pretend I learned things from it that I still remember.

Analysis ’n’ Stuff

This is the section where I give my random thoughts and track a few things throughout the series.

The New Nancy and Ned

I cackled at Veronica’s response to Betty asking her and Archie to take over investigating the Conway murders: “You want us…to be you guys?”

The Introductory Sociology Talk Continues

During this episode’s very underdeveloped B-story, we had Cheryl Blossom yelling, “Take your male gaze and your male privilege and get out of the women’s locker room!” Thanks, Cheryl.

Why Are People Letting Betty Throw Another Party?

“It’s gonna be a good night,” Archie says to Jughead right before this Betty-planned shindig starts and (unsurprisingly) turns disastrous. Um, did either of y’all forget the last time Betty planned a party, aka Jughead’s birthday party in season one, Cheryl went on a rampage and #exposed every member of the Scooby gang, and Jughead punched Chuck Clayton.

  • Oh, and then Betty stripped to that song. (I fast-forwarded through this part, because the creepiness level of a bunch of grown ass men watching a teenager strip is off the effing charts. Seriously, Riverdale?)
  • FP decided he was all good with the Serpents again in an effort to save his son from Penny Peabody’s snake charmin’ ways.
  • Basically everyone’s plans backfired.
  • Bughead and Varchie broke up. And we got a hint of an Archie/Betty (Barchie?) pairing. Y’all, I’m so tired.

We’re Gonna Get an Alice Cooper/FP Jones Sex Scene

Mark my words: They’re gonna do it. The end.

Is Casey Cott Okay?

Alleged series regular Casey Cott was just straight-up missing from this episode. Writers didn’t even freaking bother anymore. Poor kid.

The Mid-Season Finale? It Looks Really Damn Good

We’ve got Jughead yelling “Death!” and Barchie snooping around and Veronica’s trash parents letting her in on some big secret. Take us there, maddeningly inconsistent Riverdale writing crew.

Why use Riverdale as a jumping off point out of the bazillion television programs out there? I break down that big decision here.

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