What It Means to Show Up For Yourself — and What You Need to Do It

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By Zoë Björnson

No matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to take a vacation from yourself.

You can put on a mask. You can sneak out the back. You can hide under the covers. But you can never leave her.

It’s typically in the darker times that we want to take a vacation from ourselves. We don’t want to show up every day to greet the same old person we’ve been battling with for weeks, months, or even years. We have little interest in actually facing what’s happening and why. Sometimes, we just don’t want to show up.

Personally, before I learned what it meant to show up, I thought that showing up was admitting defeat. It meant agreeing with my depression and letting it take over my life and consume my identity. So I distracted myself.

Personally, before I learned what it meant to show up, I thought that showing up was admitting defeat.

I got a new job. I quit my new job. I moved out of New York City, put my stuff into a storage unit, and left for France. Sounds like a nice vacation, right?

It was, for a bit. There was a lot of cheese involved, and wine. But throughout the two months I spent galavanting throughout the French countryside, I was anxious. But I didn’t take the time to show up for myself, dig into what I was actually worried about. I continued to try to take that vacation from myself.

And if quitting my job and uprooting myself like I just did wasn’t enough, life started to get darker. My father had an emergency surgery, my partner lost his father, my uncle passed away, and in the midst of all that, I had $25,000 worth of things stolen, partially from aforementioned storage unit.

I didn’t know what to process first: The grief? Nope, thanks. The fear? I’ll pass. The vulnerability? Ew. The trauma? Ehhhhh, no.

I just wanted to continue my attempted vacation from myself, my depression, my anxiety, and my “problems.”

In the middle of taking 10 flights over the course of eight weeks, I was texting a friend, venting about my emotional and physical exhaustion. I was feeling like I needed to stay in one place to process, yet also feeling like I should be there for my partner, rather than sulking over stolen goods.

She listened to my internal debate of whether I should fly back across the country for my partner’s father’s celebration of life or stay at home with my family to stabilize. Then said: “You can’t give unselfishly to someone or something if you aren’t giving yourself what you need.” Yep, she was telling me to show up for myself. I needed to show up for myself so I could show up for the people in my life that needed a little extra support.

“You can’t give unselfishly to someone or something if you aren’t giving yourself what you need.”

Like many things, that’s easier said than done. I still went to the celebration of life. I tried to be as supportive as I could to a partner who had just lost a parent. Meanwhile, I had barely grieved the loss of my uncle or processed my newfound paranoia caused by the theft.

I just decided to bury myself in spreadsheets and insurance phone calls. Meaningless tasks that let me feel like I had some sort of control over my life.

I was trying so hard to take a vacation from myself and what was happening to me, my world, and my people. Months later, I finally hit a breaking point. I had spent some time with my partner, distracting myself with yoga classes and random freelance work. I thought I was taking the time to take care of myself.

But when I look back, I wasn’t really showing up for myself. I was wearing a mask to myself and the people around me. The breaking point happened randomly, on a Tuesday. I just started bawling and realized that I was sick of hiding from Her.

Her: the version of me who is depressed and anxious. She needed to be met, even if I didn’t want to meet her.

So I opened up to my partner, started seeing my therapist again, and I made a plan to get out of my attempted vacation from myself. I decided to show up.

To me, that meant taking care of myself in ways that I hadn’t been. It meant holding myself accountable; working out, meditating, and journaling. It meant finding time to do new things; to learn, to try out a new hobby. It meant getting outside. It meant accomplishing things. I had to show up for Her if I wanted her to take a backseat to the real Me.

I regret not showing up for Her sooner. I regret not being able to prioritize myself so I could have better supported a grieving man I care about. I regret not being able to be honest with myself so I could be honest with people who love me.

Showing up for yourself, or a version of yourself doesn’t happen by chance. It requires three things that you must find inside of yourself and in your world before it happens.

You need space.

Showing up for yourself can’t happen in a crowded place. And I don’t mean crowded in the sense of Times Square. You need space from people, places, and things that might be preventing you from reflecting. You need space away from triggers.

My space was my mom’s house in California, 2,788 miles from my partner. Not everyone gets to return to their childhood bedroom in sunny California and live with a family that cares about them. I’m lucky, or I guess you could say blessed.

But this was also my choice, and a reality I knew I’d find myself in upon leaving New York City. Yes, I’m a 28-year-old woman without a job who lives with her mom (for now). But hey, I found space.

You need confidence.

To show up for yourself, you need to know that you deserve to show up for yourself.

Women have a habit of putting other people first, for a variety of reasons. One might be that you don’t believe you’re worth your own time, let alone anyone else’s

Well guess what? You deserve to show up for yourself. And guess what else? If you don’t, no one else will. There’s no magical prince(ss) on horseback who is going to come rescue you from yourself.

When I hit that breaking point, I knew I deserved more happiness. I deserved a life free from constant fear and anxiety. I deserved to be the strong version of myself I had built up and was used to. And I wanted to be that woman, for myself and for others.

You need the ability.

Showing up for yourself is hard. It takes more effort that you probably think it will. You need a lot of discipline and patience. You need to find the right tools for you.

You need to know how to navigate time alone with yourself, reflecting.

This might be the hardest part, I feel lucky to have had exposure to people and practices that helped me better show up for myself. I created habit trackers, wrote in my journal, meditated, tracked my mood, went to therapy, and probably more things I can’t even remember. I practiced voicing my truth and showed myself that I was capable of all of the above and more.

That’s what worked for me, but you need to get ready to find what works for you.

With space, confidence, and right tools, I showed up for myself. I noticed a change in myself and how I interacted with my world. I paid more attention to the people in my life. I held space for them, just as I had made space for myself. In just over a month, I felt like I had a renewed outlook on life. I felt like I was becoming a better person, a person closer to the me I wanted to be.

Showing up for yourself is an ongoing and evolving process. It’s not one and done.

But I believe that the more time you spend showing up for yourself, the better you get. You’ll soon become more in tune to when and why you’re not showing up for yourself. You’ll find space more easily. You won’t doubt whether you deserve to show up or not… You’ll have more tools in your toolkit.

You’ll rarely want to take that vacation. 🌴

Zoë is a writer, cheese lover, aspiring designer, and traveler. She’s always called California home, but can’t seem to stay in one place very long. Follow her on Instagram.

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