Alternative Fortune Cookies

source
  • You’re a dickhead. But no one will tell you because you’re generous with your home-baked lasagne. Keep cooking.
  • You are like a flower, in the way that people would like to behead you and place in a vase in their homes.
  • You will be lucky today. But not tomorrow. Sorry. It’s just the way it goes. I would tell you about the day after tomorrow but I’m not Google and I don’t have a 7-day forecast.
  • The universe is random and meaningless. Have an extra doughnut. Ultimately, who gives a shit? Apart from your asshole, of course.
  • Tea? Fuck tea. Cocaine is better.
  • Get a haircut. Your fortune will improve dramatically. Like, people will begin looking at your face again when you talk to them.
  • CHECK THE CONDOM FOR HOLES FIRST, DICKHEAD.
  • The moon smiles at you and the sun gives you skin cancer.
  • Hollywood reboots are shit. Don’t watch any of them. Save your money. Put it towards paying off your insurmountable gambling debts.
  • Underpants first, then pants.
  • Vote for Trump.

Matt Querzoli is writing some words that may get read. Follow his writing blog, his letters to strangers blog or his blog blog if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.

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