Analysis of the Club Spider

The club spider is a creature that has been around since people have first congregated together to sink piss and dance into the wee hours of the morning, but has always managed to avoid dissection.

Until now.

From my experiences on nights out, combined with first hand accounts from victims of club spiders, I have managed to piece together what the club spider is, why they do what they do, and whether there is a future for them in our world.

First and foremost:

Definition

club spider

noun

A well dressed, overly-perfumed person, typically male, that border the dance floor or walls of a club or bar, nodding their heads and flexing their biceps to the beat of the music, who will suddenly begin to grind on a women (typically), if they make the mistake of getting too close.

Appearance

The club spider is usually between the age of 27–55. As mentioned in the definition, the club spider is typically a male. Females club spiders have made appearences, but they are often confused with the ‘cougar’.

A more solid indicator of a club spider would be whether a receding hairline can be spotted; baldness or oncoming baldness is a consistent factor in the club spider.

If hair is remaining, one can be assured that the club spider has spent a solid hour to an hour and a half styling each individual hair with a fine tooth comb and an expensive wax. Hair is typically in the ‘latest’ style. At the time of writing, the ‘Macklemore’ style of the shaved sides with the hair slicked back is currently in. Variations are also becoming more popular, such as the addition of the questionable ‘man bun’.

The club spider has no consistent race; clubs and bars around the world are infested with club spiders.

Clothing is another giveaway to spotting a club spider. The club spider, as part of its technique, dresses in expensive clothing. Well pressed button-up, long-sleeved shirts are common, but can also be substituted for a polo shirt.

This is always a Ralph Lauren branded polo shirt, to be sure.

Tight chinos are all the club spider will don for a night out on the town. It is still a mystery as to why they put up with the pain of having their Crown Jewels crushed, but multiple independent studies have reached the conclusion that it’s designed to accentuate their packages to the female population.

The club spider is a big believer in the no pain, no gain principle.

Shoes-wise, the club spider will again have two options, like his shirt. This relationship however, is intimately linked. If the club spider has decided to wear a button-up shirt for the night, he will match this with leather shoes. If he decides to go with the polo, the club spider will wear bright white sneakers. These beacons on the feet are believed to attract females in the same way that the tight chinos do.

Driving Forces

Now that you can effectively identify the club spider, you now need to understand why the club spider does what he does.

Quite simply, the club spider has passed his clubbing prime, yet still does not understand or accept this fact.

The club spider is still trying to live in his youth, cracking onto girls in the 18–25 age bracket.

What the club spider fails to understand is that he is no longer in his prime, surrounded by women of a similar age. His liver is beginning to scar. He has a proper career.

This all separates the club spider from the person they once were; young, with a casual job, healthy liver, and with the inherent ability to dance up to a lady without fear of being rejected outright.

It is here that one considers the sadness of the plight of the club spider. Although some of the species end up realising how much of a serial pest they have become, most will keep turning up to clubs on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights with their hopes buoyed and their pockets full.

The night will leave them with their hopes dashed and pockets empty.

Hunting Tactics

The club spider’s appearence and mental state now understood, it is time to recognise the tactics used by the club spider so that they can be thwarted.

In its natural state, occupying the perimeter of the dance floor, the club spider will always have a drink in hand, and it will be an expensive one.

Like the clothing, this will indicate to the females that the club spider has money – and if he’s willing to spend it on himself, he’s willing to spend it on them.

Heads will be bobbing to the beat of the music; there may even be some rotation of the shoulder blades to demonstrate that the club spider knows his club music and that he is willing to flaunt his knowledge through the collection of muscle movements more commonly known as dancing.

But the club spider, with all of his music knowledge and expensive drinks, will never move onto the dance floor.

When a victim comes too close to the club spider, the club spider will lunge suddenly, manoeuvring his hips around the victim and begin to grind on them.

If the club spider has latched himself onto you, here are the steps you can take to rid yourself of his presence:

  1. Don’t make eye contact – he will only take it as a sign of acceptance and will offer to buy you a drink.
  2. Don’t lean into the grind.
  3. Attempt to exit the grind.
  4. Call either your friends or club security to rid yourself of him if an exit is not possible.
  5. Alert those near of the presence of the club spider.

Conclusion

Club spiders, for all of their numbers and well manicured fingernails, are still harmless creatures.

They never truly make the upgrade from pest to threat. There are the exceptions, of course, but for the most part, the club spider will remain clinging to the outskirts of dance floors for years.

Some will eventually find their senses, others will struggle on for years in a delusional haze, believing that the stunning twenty-two year old dressed to the nines will one day boogie over to them and grant them a dance.

The club spider is many things, but he is first and foremost a dreamer.

Matt Querzoli was inspired to write this from his experiences at clubs around the world. Follow his writing or his letters to strangers blog if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if you were weak at the knees from looking at his profile picture.

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