Bogan Bible — Matthew 1:1–17

The Book of Matthew (Q)

The Genealogy of Jesus the Messiah

1 This is the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah the son of David, who much preferred ‘Davo’ (simply because it was shorter and more efficient to say), the son of Abraham, who too preferred either ‘Ham’ or ‘Devon,’ as he once proclaimed that, “Devon and tomato sauce on Wonder White bread is a bloody ripper”:

2 Devon was the father of Isaac (Issy), Issy the father of Jacob (J-dawg), J-dawg the father of Judah (Dah Brah) and his brothers,

3 Dah Brah, the father of Perez (PEZ) and Zerah (thefucknamestheirkidzerah), whose mother was Tamar (Tazza), PEZ the father of Hezron (Hezzy), Hezzy the father of Ram (Rams Home Loans),

4 Rams Home Loans, the father of Amminadab (DAB), DAB the father of Nahshon (Nah Son), Nah Son the father of Salmon (Fishy),

5 Fishy the father of Boaz (Boz), whose mother was Rahab (Rahabababab), Boz the father of Obed (Sealy Posturepedic), whose mother was Ruth (Ruthy), Sealy Posturepedic the father of Jesse (Rick Springfield),

6 and Rick Springfield the father of King Davo. Davo was the father of Solomon (Solo Man), whose mother had been Uriah’s (Urinal’s) wife,

7 Solo Man the father of Rehoboam (Rehab), Rehab the father of Abijah (AB), AB the father of Asa (often just referred to in a sentence, such as ‘Tough as a nail or weak as a souffle’),

8 Tough as a nail the father of Jehoshaphat (Gibberish), Gibberish the father of Jehoram (More Gibberish), More Gibberish the father of Uzziah (Scuzzy),

9 Scuzzy the father of Jotham (Gotham), Gotham the father of Ahaz (A to Z), A to Z the father of Hezekiah (Hezza),

10 Hezza the father of Manasseh (Man Oh Man), Man Oh Man the father of Amon (Am On), Am On the father of Josiah (Jose),

11 and Jose the father of Jeconiah (Jecko) and his brothers at the time of the exile to Babylon.

12 After the exile to Babylon: Jecko was the father of Shealtiel (The Shit Tile), The Shit Tile the father of Zerubbabel (Babelrabble),

13 Babelrabble the father of Abihud (Abs I Had), Abs I Had the father of Eliakim (Ecstasy), Ecstasy the father of Azor (Azza),

14 Azza the father of Zadok (Zad), Zad the father of Akim (AK47), AK47 the father of Elihud (Elmo),

15 Elmo the father of Eleazar (Elmo Jr.), Eleazar the father of Matthan (Matt Man), Matt Man the father of J-Dawg,

16 and J-Dawg the father of Joseph (J-dawg 2.0), the husband of Mary (MDMAry), and MDMAry was the mother of Jesus who is called the Messiah (or the Messy, for he too enjoyed a shorter name).

17 Thus there were fourteen generations in all from Devon to Davo, fourteen from Davo to the exile to Babylon, and fourteen from the exile to the Messy.


Matt Querzoli has launched a new series, where he re-writes the Book of Matthew into the bogan Book of Matthew (Q). Today he has re-written The Genealogy of Jesus the Messiah. Follow his writing blog, his letters to strangers blog or his blog blog if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.

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