Bogan Bible — Matthew 3:1–12
The Book of Matthew (Q)
Johnno the Bankrupt Prepares the Way
1 In those days Johnno the Bankrupt (for he was without cash in hand) came, sort of just wandering around in the outback of Judea
2 and starting shit, “Oi dickheads, just apologise, will ya? The Kingdom of The Cool Place is just up the road.” And the people would say to him, “Johnno the Bankrupt, would you shut up. You’re scaring the kids.”
3 But Johnno the Bankrupt reckoned he was alright, because some prophet bloke called Isaiah had said: “A voice of one calling in the outback, ‘Prepare the way for the Bloke Above, and set the bastard straight.’”
4 Johnno’s clothes were made of camel’s hair, and he had a leather belt around his waist. He had an iPhone 4S that often didn’t work because he ran out of power. His shoes were some old Nike Airs, gifted to him as they were slung over some powerlines. His food was locusts and wild honey and sometimes, if he could knock the delivery driver off his scooter, pizza.
5 People were drawn to him, somehow.
6 Confessing their sins, they were baptized by him in the Jordan River. And he proclaimed, “Yeah, look, I’m only dunking you guys on the hot days. I don’t have a wetsuit for the cold ones.”
7 But when he saw many of the Pharisees (Phazzas) and Sadducees (Sad Duces) coming to where he was baptizing, he said to them: “You dickheads! Who sent you here?
8 You can’t just have a dunk and be done with it. Repentance doesn’t work like that. You’re probably the people that click on all those clickbait articles.
9 And don’t just whine to me and say, ‘We have Devon as our father.’ The Bloke Above needs you to prove your worth. C’mon lads.
10 If you’re a prick in life, you’re going to burn. An eternal burn, too. That’s a bloody long time.
11 “Now look, I dunk you in the water for repentance. But after me comes one who is more betterer than I am. I know — it’s hard to be better than me, right? But that bloke, the Messy, he will dunk you with the Holy Spirits and fire. Maybe not the fire. He probably doesn’t want you to light up like a sparkler.
12 That bloke — he’ll save ya. He’ll gather up the best of you, and probably even the worst — that’s how good a bloke he is — and he’ll save ya.”
Matt Querzoli is re-writing the Book of Matthew into the bogan Book of Matthew (Q). Today he has re-written John the Baptist Prepares the Way. Follow his writing blog, his letters to strangers blog or his blog blog if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.
